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Improving Your Relationships

Shadow work is useful for improving intimacy with a relationship 

Shadow work can be good for improving intimacy with a relationship partner, but it’s important to approach it with intention and care. Shadow work helps you understand your repressed thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, many of which may be influencing your relationships unconsciously. This awareness can lead to greater self-acceptance and compassion, both for yourself and your partner.

When you’re more aware of your shadow, you’re better able to communicate your needs and wants to your partner. This can lead to more honest and open communication, which is essential for building intimacy and stronger emotional connection. Indeed, shadow work can help you heal past wounds and traumas that may be holding you back from fully connecting with your partner. By integrating your shadow, you become more vulnerable and open to intimacy. 

As you explore your own shadow, you’ll naturally become more curious about your partner’s shadow as well. This can lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation for their experiences and motivations. Shadow work can be emotionally challenging, as it involves confronting aspects of yourself you may not like. This can lead to discomfort and resistance.

It’s important to remember that your shadow is your own, and not to project it onto your partner. Be mindful of this to avoid unhealthy blame or conflict. Discussing shadow work with your partner requires honesty and sensitivity. Be mindful of your partner’s feelings and communicate in a way that is constructive and supportive.

Overall, shadow work can be a powerful tool for improving intimacy in your relationship, but it’s important to approach it with awareness and care. Consider seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor if you’re interested in exploring shadow work more deeply.

Here are some additional resources that you may find helpful:

36 Shadow Work Prompts for Relationships & Self Love” 
On the True Nature of Intimacy, Shadow Work, and Love” 

What is shadow work? Video by Marianne Hill

What other ways of improving intimacy are there?

There are many wonderful ways to improve intimacy in your relationship beyond shadow work. Here are a few ideas:

  • Deepen your communication. Pay attention to your partner without interrupting, and try to understand their perspective. Share your feelings openly and honestly. Let your partner know what’s going on for you emotionally, even if it’s difficult. Ask for what you need. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind. If you need more affection, support, or  quality time, ask for it directly. Use “I” statements. This helps avoid blame and keeps the focus on your own feelings and needs. For example, instead of saying “You never make time for me,” try saying “I feel lonely when we don’t spend time together.”
  • Spend quality time together. Make time for regular date nights, even if it’s just for an hour a week, and make time to connect with your partner one-on-one every day. Find activities you enjoy doing together, whether it’s cooking, hiking, playing games, or simply cuddling on the couch, find things you both enjoy doing.
  • Be present in the moment. When you’re with your partner, put away your phone and other distractions and focus on them.
  • Appreciate each other. Step outside your comfort zone and try new experiences together. This can help you bond and create new memories. Show appreciation and affection by telling your partner how much you love and appreciate them. Don’t take your relationship for granted. Let your partner know how much they mean to you.
  • Give and receive physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling, and kissing are all great ways to show affection and build intimacy.
  • Also, do little things for each other. Acts of service, like making coffee, doing the dishes, or running errands, can show your partner that you care.
  • Celebrate each other’s successes. Be there for each other’s ups and downs. Celebrate each other’s successes and offer support during difficult times.
  • Maintain your individuality. It’s important to maintain your own sense of self in a relationship. Make time for your hobbies and interests, spend time with friends and family, and pursue your own goals.
  • Respect your partner’s boundaries. Everyone needs their own space sometimes. Respect your partner’s need for alone time and don’t be afraid to ask for your own.
  • Be flexible and willing to compromise. No two people are exactly alike. Be willing to compromise and find solutions that work for both of you. Remember, building intimacy is a journey, not a destination. There will be ups and downs along the way, but by investing time and effort into your relationship, you can create a deep and lasting connection with your partner.

Knowing about the human archetypes of king warrior magician and lover can be helpful in understading relationships. 

The idea that understanding the human archetypes of king, warrior, magician, and lover can be helpful in understanding relationships is a concept introduced by Jungian psychologists Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette in their book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine.”

It’s crucial to understand that applying this framework does not define individuals or dictate rigid roles in relationships. Instead, it offers a lens through which you can explore the following points.

1. Internal aspects within yourself and your partner

King: Represents leadership, vision, responsibility, and order. Understanding this archetype can help you navigate decision-making, setting boundaries, and creating a sense of stability in your relationship.
Warrior: Embodies courage, action, assertiveness, and protection. Exploring this archetype can shed light on how you handle conflict, defend your values, and pursue goals in your relationship.
Magician: Represents transformation, creativity, intuition, and wisdom. Examining this archetype can help you understand personal growth, problem-solving, and fostering emotional connection within the relationship.
Lover: Encompasses passion, connection, sensuality, and vulnerability. This archetype sheds light on intimacy, emotional expression, and building secure attachment in your relationship.

2. Dynamics between partners

Analyzing how each partner expresses these archetypes, both mature and immature forms, can provide insights into your strengths and weaknesses as a couple. It can help you identify potential areas of conflict or imbalance, where one archetype is overemphasized or underplayed in the relationship. This framework can also promote empathy and understanding by encouraging you to see your partner’s actions through the lens of their dominant archetypes. However, it’s important to remember that this system is not universal and shouldn’t be used to label, stereotype, or control your partner. Everyone is a unique blend of various archetypes and expresses them differently. Focusing solely on archetypes can overshadow other important aspects of a relationship, like individual experiences, values, and cultural influences.

It’s essential to approach this framework with open-mindedness and sensitivity, avoiding rigid interpretations or expectations.
Ultimately, exploring these archetypes can be a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding dynamics within your relationship. It can spark deeper conversations, foster empathy, and contribute to more meaningful connections. However, it’s important to use this framework cautiously and in conjunction with other approaches to understanding your partner and building a healthy relationship.

If you’re interested in further exploring this topic, I recommend reading “Warrior, Magician, Lover, King” or seeking guidance from a therapist or counselor trained in using archetypes in relationship work.

Delayed Ejaculation – Advice For Men

Erectile Dysfunction (ED)

A very large number of men in America have delayed ejaculation to some degree. And even though delayed ejaculation is a  problem for men of all ages, it does become more common as a man’s age increases.

A recent study found that 52% of men aged between 40 years of age and 70 years of age have had some degree of delayed ejaculation.

Nothing generates as much shame and embarrassment – and even downright fear – as a man’s inability to ejaculate. It’s possible that only the loss of his job can make a man feel more impotent & powerless!

Since most of us regard our self-esteem as entirely contingent upon our ability to ejaculate whenever we are in a sexual situation, it is clear that delayed ejaculation can have a massive impact on men’s self-esteem.

For a man, the absence of ejaculation caused by delayed ejaculation makes him feel nothing can help him have a  successful sexual experience. Not only that, but if his self-esteem depends on his ability, then his failure in this matter will be only too obvious to him and his partner.

So no matter how sympathetic and supportive his partner may be, a man can actually become so distraught and shamed by delayed ejaculation that he can’t accept consolation from his partner….and, needless to say, this generates further bad feeling on both sides, and it’s inevitable that if it goes on for any length of time, this will make a woman feel just as powerless as it makes her man feel.

 In fact, a woman will often blame herself, perhaps taking the view that she’s neither attractive enough nor skilful enough to sexually arouse her partner.

And because women’s self-esteem is often dependent on being sexually attractive to their man, it’s entirely understandable why two sexual partners can sometimes end up turning away from one another, blaming both themselves and each other for the man’s delayed ejaculation and its consequences.

And this, of course, is the antithesis of clear thinking, which is absolutely necessary to resolve the situation: because there is almost certainly a solution for every man delayed ejaculation – if he can find it.

For some men it could be that a new relationship is the problem. After a man becomes more comfortable with his new sexual partner, his delayed ejaculation may fade and his performance in bed may become more reliable. Such transient difficulties can be seen merely as part of an active sex life.

There are of course more persistent and chronic difficulties – For some men, the problem is that their delayed ejaculation manifests as a low level of arousal. To resolve these difficulties there are basically three strategies: the first is medical intervention, which usually means pharmaceutical remedies such as Viagra. There may of course be other ancillary treatments available for delayed ejaculation, treatments directed at the cause of the problem, such as high cholesterol levels.

The second approach to delayed ejaculation is sex therapy, and the third, you may not be surprised to learn, is a combination of these two approaches. The point is this: before you can decide which approach is necessarily the best one for your delayed ejaculation, you need to know what’s actually causing it.

Some delayed ejaculation is primarily physical or drug-related in origin, whilst other delayed ejaculation is primarily psychological. The fact of the matter is that the majority of cases have both physical and emotional components, for the reasons that we described earlier. Treatment for delayed ejaculation is described in detail here. The overall message is this: when a man cannot ejaculate he also tends to become extremely emotional about it, which may then feedback into a vicious circle of self-doubt, anxiety, and delayed ejaculation

So the first question if you’re experiencing delayed ejaculation is whether or not you are putting some substance into your body which may be affecting your ability to rise to the occasion. There are many prescription drugs which can cause delayed ejaculation, a list of which is available here. Remember too that alcohol can be a potent chemical in the body, or rather it can be a chemical that causes men to become unable to come or climax during sex.

Smoking, and consumption of fats, both of which contribute to clogging and hardening of the arteries, can be another contributory factor. In fact men who smoke have a lot more problems with delayed ejaculation than men who do not smoke.

Now, if you usually have sexual desire, that is to say if you have an appetite for sex, either with yourself or with somebody else, then it is a reasonable assumption that your testosterone levels lie within normal limits and you don’t need to get it checked out.

However, if your desire is actually rather low – and that means not just your level of sexual arousal, but your sexual desire – in the sense that you don’t notice how attractive a woman is, or you don’t fantasize about sex, and you certainly don’t want to masturbate, then you might wish to have a testosterone check.

When male testosterone levels drop below normal not only does sexual desire significantly decrease, but it becomes extremely difficult for the penis to function and delayed ejaculation is a common result.

However, you need to find a competent doctor who’s got a lot of experience in this field, because the opinion of what is a normal testosterone level varies from doctor to doctor and laboratory to laboratory. Hormone replacement or supplementation is actually a very effective way of restoring a man to full sexual health, particularly in midlife, although for the complete reversal of delayed ejaculation, it may also be necessary for a man to use Viagra.

One of the complications here is that depression can be both a cause and effect of delayed ejaculation; not only that, but depression can also be caused by testosterone deficiency, so the whole complex can become a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle. It’s well worth researching the male andropause on the internet (andropause is a name for the loss of testosterone in mid life).

Erectile Dysfunction

Erectile dysfunction may occur too: with one particular sexual partner, or only in certain circumstances, then your erectile difficulties are probably not primarily physical in origin, but are largely dependent on relationship issues and feelings: how you feel about one or more of your sexual partners, or how stressed you are feeling, for example. In these circumstances lifestyle changes will be the most effective approach to dealing with erectile dysfunction.

However, if you never get an erection – either during sleep, when you awaken, or during any kind of sexual stimulation – it’s highly likely that your erectile dysfunction has some kind of physical cause, or is the side-effect of some medication: the best strategy in such circumstances is to start by seeing a doctor.

Should you happen to be a man who has delayed ejaculation, the cause could be either psychological or physical. It’s possible that you may have some kind of physical issue that is causing difficulties with blood flow to the penis, for example, or it may be that it some psychological factors have come into play, such as the fact that you regard sexual intercourse as a demonstration of relationship commitment to a sexual partner, and you’re not ready to make this step.

Oner problem is that a lot of doctors, and indeed many therapists, don’t actually have enough experience or skill in hese issues to determine if  the cause of delayed ejaculation is physical or emotional.

If you see a doctor, there are certain diagnostic tests that you should undergo so that the whole picture emerges. These include questions about the exact nature of the issues you face, including when it started, how it has evolved, your general health, your medications, and details of  injury and illness or surgery, caused, for example, by pelvic trauma or prostate surgery, and anything else that may be relevant.

Physical tests to determine the state of your arteries and blood pressure may be necessary, too; as may a rectal exam to check your prostate gland. There are also tests to determine whether the nerves and blood vessels supplying the penis are functioning normally. Other tests include the testosterone level check mentioned earlier, and attaching a device to your penis to record whether or not you get erections during the night. If you do, and not at any other time, it suggests that your ejaculatory problems are psychological in origin, as this study revealed.


How To Talk About Erection Problems

Women: you and he have to talk about his erection problem!

However, your partner is not likely to want to talk about the failure of his erection, much less answer questions on what treatment he intends to get.

To him, a problem with his erections – having erectile dysfunction – is a sign that he is less of a man, that his manhood has been taken away from him. You may have to start any discussion about the subject. And if you want to know if he’s doing something about it, you are definitely going to have to ask him directly – but in a gentle and caring way. 

But because this is such a sensitive subject for him, if you want to know what he’s doing about his erection problem, make sure you follow a few simple rules:

Choose the right time to talk about erectile problems

One way of making it more likely that your discussion leads to his a commitment to do something about his erection problem is to set aside a time for the discussion in advance.

You can increase your chances of success by telling him that you would like to discuss an important subject, and mention it is to do with your sex life.

Do not, under any circumstances, bring up the subject of his loss of erection during an argument or when he is stressed. Do not bring it up if you are not going to have time to complete the discussion. Do not bring it up after or during sexual activity.

The key is not to mention the subject when is feeling threatened, perhaps by a sexual failure. This will only make him more defensive – and that is likely to promote an argument. Best to wait until he is in a calm and more relaxed frame of mind, when his erectile dysfunction is playing less on his self-image.

Bear in mind, however, that your judgment about what is “the right moment” may in the end be more important than anything else. For example, suppose that you are in a new relationship and there are sexual problems right away – like he can’t get an erection. It would hardly be appropriate not to mention this, as it will have a major bearing on the intimacy and success of your relationship; at least, if sex is to play a normal part in that relationship.

And there are certain skills you need to employ as well: many men have told me that their partner has said something to do them like “Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter.” Well, not having a proper erection matters a huge amount to your man. To hear you say this may well give your man not only a sense of loss and anger at his erectile problems, but an additional sense that you have not heard really him and you’re not supporting him.

Video – women and erectile dysfunction

Of course ED (erectile dysfunction) matters – and no attempt to make him feel better by telling him that it doesn’t, even said from a place of love and care, is likely to open the lines of communication between you.

First and foremost you have to acknowledge his feelings, and show him that you have some sense of how he may be feeling: “I understand how hard this is for you”. That’s the kind of remark that is most likely to be helpful. But, believe me, it has to be said from a place of sincerity: if it is not, it is more likely to make him frustrated or disconnected than anything else.

In addition, you need to be sincere about how you’re feeling on the subject of his erection problems. If you’re disappointed or sad, or angry, let him know. When you convey your feelings, don’t attack him personally: just tell him how you feel. Here’s some advice.

Next, you need to move on past the support and understanding that is conveyed by such communication. Move on, that is, to the future actions that you and he can take, either together or separately, to help resolve his erection problems. By the way, if he has any other sexual dysfunction, such as delayed ejaculation, you may wish to read this book all about why men may not orgasm during intercourse. (The UK version of this book on delayed ejaculation can be founds here.)

The style of communication you use when you talk about erection problems is crucial to the success of your discussion. A direct, straightforward style of communication is most likely to be constructive in resolving problems. It is not helpful to keep quiet, to be stoical. Nor is it useful to avoid the subject through fear that you will be putting pressure on your partner. And it will certainly create more challenges if you get emotional about the subject and let this lead you to statements such as “You don’t love me anymore!” or “Are you having an affair?”

It is possible that his erectile dysfunction may be making a man extremely defensive, so he may not respond to your feelings with as much care and compassion as he normally would. In which case, rather than feeling hurt, angry or defensive, you might try to  stand in your power and state your case clearly and firmly. (If you haven’t read about the archetypal theory of personality, this might help. If you know something about standing in the energy of your Inner Queen, you may be able to access more power.)

You need to confront the problem of his erectile dysfunction directly. Don’t say “….but it doesn’t really matter if you don’t want to talk about it.” This is a matter for both of you, and you need to be assertive to make sure that you get what you want, which is your partner fully restored to sexual health and full erectile capacity.

This is of course all about letting your partner know that you care about him, and that you are willing to support him in his efforts to recover from his erectile problem. The skill of active listening is essential here.

This is about not just sitting there passively while your partner tells you what is going on for him! It is also about acknowledging by your responses and making interjections which show you are genuinely hearing what he is saying.

So tell him you love him, you want to hear his point of view, you want to support him, and you expect him to be supportive of you and work with you on restoring his normal sexual drive and ability.

Here are some clues that might help you identify what you are feeling:

  • rejected, angry (Is this something to do with me?),
  • depressed (I can’t cope with this),
  • sexually frustrated (when am I ever going to have intercourse with him again?),
  • anxious (will he ever be erect again?),
  • suspicious (is he having an affair?),
  • embarrassed (how can we ever talk about something so personal and so sensitive?)

Clearly it’s important that you reassure him that you are not blaming him, that you know it’s not his fault, and that you trust him to tell you if there is something you should know. (It is faintly possible that he is not getting erect with you because he doesn’t fancy you anymore. If he admits this, then your next step might be to arrange for some couples’ counseling as soon as possible.)

If you need to know what to ask him about his erectile dysfunction, here are some suggestions:

  • What do you feel about this?
  • How important is this to you?
  • And if you’re starting out in a relationship:
  • Is this a new problem?
  • Can I help you do something about it?
  • Have you always had the problem?
  • You know loads of guys have this problem, and it’s not that hard to do something about it?
  • Would you like to work on the problem with me?
  • Is there anything I can do to help?

The issue of erectile dysfunction is so large in a man’s mind that he may find it challenging to work on the problem with you straight away. If he feels some relief about the idea of sharing the problem with you, that’s great… but be prepared for any reaction, and try and be understanding.

Simply allowing a man to vent his feelings without responding to them other than acknowledging them is a great first step.

Then, you can turn your attention towards working out the source of his emotions. For example, is he scared that he’ll never be able to have sex again? Does he think he is less of a man?

His resistance to acknowledging, talking about, or even working on the problem may come from his sense that men should be self-reliant and solve all their own problems. But the truth is that if you can persuade him you are indeed his ally in the matter of his erectile dysfunction, he’ll feel considerable relief.

The way to deal with resistance is to talk. But it’s got to be a discussion that suits the man. You probably know better than anyone how to approach him so that he is amenable to discussing his erectile dysfunction. Even so, you need to be able to put yourself into his shoes: this is not the kind of chat you might have with your female buddies. To expect him to respond to that is unhelpful. For him, this could seem like a matter of life and death!

You need to respect his maleness, and that may mean many things: not being emotional, being factual, looking forward, not back, and above all, perhaps, not blaming or shaming him.

This is not his fault  – unless the relationship is really on the rocks, in which case the issues are rather deeper than his erectile dysfunction.

Things not to say with a man who has an erection problem!

Do not compare him with your previous lovers. This will always make things worse.

Do not encourage him during sex, or comment on his performance as you make love. This will just make him more anxious.

Never, ever, ever, be bitchy, mean or nasty about this: “You’re the only man who’s ever had this problem with me!” “Is that the best you can do?” And so on. Even if things like this are said in the heat of the moment, they are still destructive. Much better to say how you feel and and seek a way forward, or, if he has said something you do not like, tell him that you don’t like what he said and why you don’t like it.

There’s often a period of time required for a man to accept his erectile difficulties before he can bring himself to the realization that he needs to work on them. This is a typical grief reaction – in this case to the loss of his maleness and manhood and all that might signify for him. That could include youth, success, energy, desire, lust, his male sexuality even. Given time, most men adapt and begin to work on getting their erection back.

Finally, remember that it may not be so obvious to him that not having sex is upsetting you: he may not understand what his erection problem means to you unless you tell him.

The Importance Of Fantasy

Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies can be helpful in the midst of sex. For example, if you notice your arousal or erection flagging during erotic activity, conjuring up a favorite fantasy may make a difference. And imagining a sexual activity that you haven’t tried but think you might want to can give you a better sense of how you might go about that, and whether you really do want to do it.

Despite the fact that fantasizing about sex comes so naturally and easily to human beings, and despite the helpful purposes it can serve, sexual fantasies are not always as simple as we might wish. Part of the problem, for example, is that a common fear is that if you fantasize about having sex with a neighbor, say, you’ll actually do it.

Video Top 7 sexual fantasies

There is at least a grain of truth in this, for fantasy can serve as rehearsal for behavior. Imagining the same thing repeatedly may motivate you to try it out. But in most cases this isn’t much of a problem. Real-life obstacles and your own values help keep the fantasy where it belongs – in your head. To make the point again, there is no law against imagining forcing someone to have sex with you, and there are both men and women who enjoy this kind of fantasy. Doing it in reality, however, is another matter entirely.

There is also nothing wrong with fantasizing about protection-free, worry-free sex with strangers. In the real world, however, where sexual diseases are commonplace and where conception and bad feelings occur far more often than anyone would wish for, you ought to take the necessary precautions.

Sexual fantasies can also be helpful in determining what you might want in the real world. Perhaps there are some elements of your imagery that you would like acted out. Please don’t assume that this means you should act out everything in your fantasies. Use your common sense and consider whether this is something you’d really like to try and if you’re willing and able to go through with it. Having sex with your wife’s sister may make for a wonderful fantasy. The reality, however, could be quite costly.

Most men and adolescents have (and enjoy) erotic mental fantasy. It’s usual for boys and men to have fantasies when they masturbate. And from the studies that have been done, it’s typical for men and women to fantasize about sex at all sorts of times. But there are still many questions and doubts.

Some men readily accept that no matter how much they love and are turned on by their partner, they will continue to be turned on by and have fantasies about other women. But other men have trouble with this. It can help if they understand that being aroused by other women is typical for nearly all men. And sometimes, it goes even further than this: after the newness of a sexual relationship wears off, most of our sexual turn-ons may no longer come from our partner.

Yes, you may still get greatly aroused by her, particularly if she says or does a certain thing, but the chances are good that much of the passion you feel and that leads you to want sex with her is evoked by other women or situations.

Since it’s a fact of life that a great many of us get turned on by other people (and this is natural), there doesn’t seem to be any point getting upset about it. You can use the arousal generated by other women to have better sex lives with our long term partners.

What do we fantasize about?

As you might expect, men more frequently imagine sex with strangers, sex with more than one person, and forcing a woman to have sex with them. Women more frequently imagine romantic settings and being forced to have sex. 

There is an enormous range regarding the frequency of sexual fantasizing, just as there is an enormous range regarding the frequency of any sexual behavior. Some men have sexual fantasies many times each day, while others can go for weeks without one.

It seems that people for whom sex is a priority have lots of sexual thoughts and fantasies. As long as the fantasizing isn’t interfering with your relationship, your work, and the normal chores of life, it isn’t a problem.

Some couples find it very arousing to share fantasies. That is, the partners tell each other what they fantasize about, either when they’re actually having sex or at other times. These couples not only report increased excitement but also a feeling of greater closeness. As one man put it: “You might think it would make me jealous, hearing her fantasies about sex with other men. But it doesn’t. It makes for an incredible turn-on. It also makes for incredible love-making. I feel closer to her knowing that she trusts me enough to tell me these secrets, things she’s never told anyone else. Now I can also share some of my fantasies with her and that makes for even more closeness. I’ve never trusted any other woman that much.”

Even so, don’t rush off to tell your partner your latest fantasy. While the sharing of fantasies can be wonderful for some couples, it is not without risk. Some women are not comfortable with such matters. They may feel hurt, insulted, rejected, or jealous if you report imagining enjoying sex with someone else. There are also your own feelings to consider.  Would you really be comfortable hearing that your partner imagines sex with men more handsome, more muscular, with greater charm or more money or power than you? 

Realistically assess both your possible reactions and those of your partner before you conclude that sharing fantasies is a great idea. If you decide to go ahead, do it gradually. 

All in all, sexual fantasies are a natural, healthy, and pleasurable part of life. They’re free, readily available, and rarely have side effects that are troublesome. And since you will have them, com what may, it makes sense to make yours as useful and enjoyable as possible.

That said, if what you want to do makes your life difficult or sets you and your partner at odds, then there’s a problem, regardless of how typical your fantasy and subsequent actions may be. To take an analogy, the incidence of premature ejaculation among young men, for example, is so high that it could easily be considered normal or typical; we’re talking about millions of men here. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a problem for these men or their partners.

Internet porn can be a problem. While some men find images of male power and sexual dominance arousing, they may become addicted to the cycle of arousal and the “reward” that ejaculation produces when masturbating to these images. Unfortunately they can also experience considerable self-disgust – but the compulsive nature of the male sexual urge makes such temptations hard to resist. It also enhances the facility which men have to objectify women.

There are several ways in which sex can be a problem. For example, if it’s driven or compulsive: Some men’s (and some women’s) sexual behavior is compulsive. That is, the man feels out of control; he has to fantasize about sex virtually all the time, has to masturbate or have sex with his partner twice each day, or has to have sex every time he can and doesn’t care who it’s with. This implies some level of addiction to sex. There’s no doubt that compulsive sexual behavior exists and is a source of great suffering for those so afflicted. The major problem for many of those men who feel their sexual behavior is compulsive or addictive is precisely that it gets in the way of getting on with the other important aspects of life.

Talking With Your Partner

The key to resolving difficulties is open discussion, honest self-disclosure, and intimate exchange of thoughts, feelings and fantasies by one partner to another. For example, if you’re having problems being open about how you want to make love, find some pleasant way of sharing this with your partner – a tasteful website, for example.

Another kind of difficulty that occurs in couples is when, for example, you always require a special something in order to get turned on. One woman whose live-in lover could rarely get sexually aroused unless she wore stiletto heels said: “It feels like he’s in love with the shoes, not with me. Given how he carries on about them, I think he should find a nice pair of shoes to marry.”

In one couple the man introduced bondage and dominance games early in their relationship. The woman didn’t mind, in fact thought them an interesting twist, but as time went on she got turned off completely when she realized the man couldn’t get aroused without these activities. She then felt that he was “sick and abnormal.”

Men who always use the same fantasy to get aroused (for example, the partner has to be twenty-five and has to have a certain build) may condition them to be aroused only by that type of partner. They may be unable to get aroused with anyone else. This, of course, can create serious problems in the real world.

Similarly, fantasies involving coercion are common among both men and women, but they can become troublesome if they are your only fantasy. You may be conditioning yourself to get aroused only when coercion is involved, and that will create havoc in a relationship. As long as you enjoy a variety of fantasies, there’s no problem.

There are often disagreements in relationships over preferences or conditions that almost no one would consider strange or abnormal. For example, you may feel most sexy in the mornings and prefer that time for lovemaking, but your partner may feel as strongly about evenings. Because of the conflicting preferences, you and your partner are going to have to work out an agreement.

It’s important to understand this point. Just because you and your partner don’t have the same preferences or don’t agree on when and how sex is to occur does not necessarily mean that anything is wrong with either of you. It usually means only that the two of you need to negotiate a reasonable solution to resolve your sexual preferences and differences.

Fantasizing can sometimes be bothersome in a relationship. For example, let’s say that during lovemaking you “trip out” on a fantasy, and although this increases your arousal and you’re having a great time, your partner feels alone and neglected.

She doesn’t know you’re fantasizing; she knows only that although you’re having sex with her, you don’t seem present. She may not voice her complaint. Instead, she may say that she has trouble getting aroused or maintaining the excitement, or has problems having orgasm. It may only be with further exploration that she can identify the feelings she is feeling.

And although it seems far more common for women to feel lonely and left out in sex, it happens for some men, too. The reason appears to be the same. A partner gets more involved with his or her fantasy than he or she is with you. Then, regardless of who feels left out, something needs to be done. It helps considerably if the one doing the fantasizing can admit it. There’s no need for apologies or feeling bad, just a need to see what’s going on and what could help.

Video: how to tell if you are sexually repressed

Another kind of problem that can arise in a relationship is when the woman gets upset about a man’s fantasies or erotic materials. Does his use of them indicate he no longer finds her attractive or desirable? In such situations, a good discussion about her concerns and his feelings is required.

Returning to where we started, with what’s normal and what’s not, my advice is to forget about the question as much as you can. Focus instead on how you feel about your sex life.

Some thoughts on male and female sexuality

Redefining sexuality

I’m thinking of some classic sexual stereotypes that both sexes unconsciously hold: for example, a man may say that he wants a sexually experienced woman. However, when he finds one, he can’t cope with her sexuality. Maybe he’s holding a belief system which says something like a sexually active woman, or a sexually experienced woman, is the “whore in the bedroom” archetype, and what he really wants in a woman who fulfills “the Madonna archetype“.

On a personal level, you might hold a belief system that says something like “all men have to satisfy their woman in bed”. (And that’s because “it’s a man’s duty to ‘give’ a woman an orgasm”.)

So it goes on: our lives are run by stereotypes which do nobody any good, and which reinforce what’s become classically known as the “double standard”.

This is very unfair on both men and women. The simple truth is that women are inherently sexual in a way that men can’t even begin to understand. Unless, that is, men are willing to let go of their fears and inhibitions around sexual activity with a woman and female sexuality itself.

I suspect one of the reasons that men seem to repress female sexuality so much is because they are in some way frightened of female sexuality. And in turn, that is because they know, deep down, that female sexuality is more powerful than male sexuality.

A woman is a deeply in touch with the erotic, generative power of the universe, that she needs a man who’s can help her find it. And it appears that men are scared of this: the lack of female sexual pleasure is a plague of our times.

It’s quite understandable really: when a man is with a very sexual woman, he’s going to wonder if he can please her. He’s going to wonder how he compares to her previous lovers. He’s going to wonder if his penis is big enough. And so it goes on. (If you want to know how you can bring a woman to orgasm without worrying about penis size, check this out.)

But the fact that a woman enjoys sex doesn’t mean she’s a whore or a slut. It means she’s a woman who enjoys sex. So, men, drop your concerns about women who are sexually experienced or enjoy sex. Stop seeing yourself through a veil of questions about your ability to satisfy her. Stop reading things into female sexuality. Get to know a woman as a person before you have sex. Develop trust, so that you have less reason to question the sexual background and experience of that woman, or, to put it more bluntly, to question her morality.

Video – the Madonna-Whore complex

One of the problems that arises from all of this, of course, is that many men are sexually insecure. They haven’t been taught how to be men who can please a woman both in bed and out of bed. They haven’t been taught how to be confident about the expression of their own sexuality, including saying “no” when it’s necessary for them.

Video – the sexual insecurity of men

So many women repress desires of all kinds, sexual and otherwise, because they’re scared about letting men see them, and the possible response. Those responses can include stonewalling, lack of communication, retreat “into the ‘man cave’“, denial, and and even possibly anger.

So why are men so insecure with women? Why are they intimidated by the combination of good girl and bad girl? There’s a lot of cultural stereotyping going on here, because sexual women are usually portrayed as “bad” women in some way. And “nice” girls are somehow seen as somehow not being sexual.

Yet at the same time, it seems perfectly acceptable for a man to have any amount of sexual experience. It boosts his standing amongst his mates, and it may even boost his standing amongst women, who suspect that he might be an alpha male to have had so many women.

Yet, really, all of this nonsense is based on the fact that men and women see each other through the filter of society’s expectations, and cultural stereotypes: they don’t see each other through qualities like equality, mutual understanding and respect.

Are men and women more similar than different, do you think? I believe that we are, in the sense that men and women mostly want the same things from a relationship: intimacy, tenderness, support, a feeling that we mean something to the other person in the relationship, and so on.

Yet we are conditioned by society, and maybe even by our genes, to believe that we have to behave in a certain way, that we are entitled to certain things in the other sex partner.

It’s actually difficult to come to understand another person better. All that’s required is good communication in an effort to understand exactly what a person is thinking and feeling, and perhaps even more simply, to understand the world from their point of view.

Take orgasms for example.

Female sexuality may appear to be incredibly complicated to many men, but the truth is we all want the same thing: sexual pleasure and emotional satisfaction along with it. So consider a man who is having sex with a woman and then asks “Did you come, dear?”

What is she going to say in response to that if she’s feeling at all protective of his ego and excitement? (“Of course I did!” or “It was great, thanks!”) And more to the point, how come he does not actually know whether she’s had an orgasm or not?

Once again, we seem to be facing a problem that centers on a lack of open and honest communication. And maybe also on the men’s partly a lack of sensitivity, because it isn’t actually very difficult to know if woman has reached orgasm. 

When it comes to sex, the goal for many men becomes the woman’s orgasm. Yet the best way to achieve sexual pleasure with a woman is to slow down, think about what she needs on the way, and give her the sensitivity and tenderness that she craves.

So, during sex, are you focused on giving a woman satisfaction (an orgasm), or are you focused on being with her in the experience and sharing pleasure?

It’s a widespread male assumption that a woman will actually only enjoy sex if she comes, but the truth is that there are many ways for woman to enjoy sex, most of which have nothing to do with reaching orgasm.

Sex isn’t just about the man’s pleasure. And so, if your are finding that sex without female orgasm is unsatisfying  to you, there is need for some self-examination. You may wish to establish exactly what makes you think that your woman “should” reach orgasm every time you make love.

Of course one of the difficulties here might be the fact that men have certain expectations around sex: very few men would expect to enjoy lovemaking without reaching orgasm, so it may be that they assume the same is true for a woman. Again, this shows that we need to communicate better about our sexual needs and desires and experiences. We need to stop second guessing what our partners are thinking, feeling and wanting. Instead, we need to talk openly with them about all these things. 

The reality and the fantasy

If you actually ask a woman what she needs from lovemaking, you’ll soon find your illusions shattered. For example, did you know that many women have been given a “good girl program”? This makes them believe that their primary aim needs to be giving men what they  think men want. (And that might even include the female orgasm, even if it has to be faked!) This is a very sad state of affairs.

Faking an orgasm is a road to nowhere, because at some point a woman will be pissed that she is still not having orgasms, but can’t admit faking them because her deception has been going on too long.

What makes this worse is that many women are not easily orgasmic; some don’t even know what an orgasm even feels like.

A factor in this is that many women discover their true sexual nature much later than men. Many expect that a relationship with a man will provide a way of accessing their own sexuality and achieving sexual pleasure.

This means that the solution to the male-female disparity in sexual pleasure is not based solely in good communication between men and women. In addition, women need to take responsibility for learning about their own sexuality and how best to achieve and enjoy their own orgasms.

A good starting point here is for a man to put more energy into making a woman feel loved, cherished, and good about herself, rather than focussing on his desire to “give her an orgasm”! 

The Ultimate Female Pleasure? Female Ejaculation


The Art Of Gushing Orgasms!

There are thousands of articles on squirting orgasms on the internet. This could make you believe that knowing how to make a woman squirt is a matter of massive importance.

But squirting orgasms are simply the release of fluid from a woman’s vulva at orgasm. In fact, to squirt is quite natural.

How To Enjoy Squirting!

Discover The Simplest, Quickest and Easiest Way To Give Your Partner A Squirting Orgasm!

Click Below To Find Out How To Do It
(Warning: this free video all about G spot stimulation is NSFW and loud)

And since it feels great and it’s sexually exciting for a woman and her partner, what’s not to like? And besides all that, it’s fun to try to make a woman squirt.

So, why not try it? We’ve got all the information you might need to help you enjoy squirting orgasms for the first time, right here! And if you’re a man we can show you how to make a woman squirt, either for the first time or the hundredth time.

By the way, these wet orgasms are sometimes referred to as female ejaculation, or “gushing” orgasms. Here’s a picture of a woman who knows how make herself squirt.

For some people, that’s not enough. The curious, the scientific, and the perfectionists among us, all seem to want to know what causes a gushing or squirting orgasm!

And especially, people want to know, what’s the fluid that’s released when a woman reaches orgasm?

Research Proves Nothing About Squirting Orgasms

Over the last 20 years, the internet’s provided more and more airspace for the phenomenon of squirting orgasms, and it’s now become something like a sexual fad.

Knowing how to make a woman squirt is seen by men as proof of their partner’s orgasm and proof of female pleasure. (Many women do say it goes along with an intensified experience of orgasm.)

What Happens When A Woman Squirts or Ejaculates Fluid at Orgasm?

To start with, a lot of people think there are at least two kinds of ejaculation. First, a small amount of creamy white fluid which comes out of the urethra  during extreme sexual arousal and orgasm.

And second, a thinner, clearer liquid which probably emerges from the urethra in larger quantities during squirting orgasms.

So what’s the truth? Around a woman’s urethra there’s some tissue which resembles the prostate gland tissue of men. This is variously known as the paraurethral sponge, the female prostate, or the Skene’s glands.

Many people believe that the fluid discharged in large quantities during female ejaculation – i.e. squirting orgasms –  comes from this “prostatic” tissue.

And there is some research which indicates that female ejaculate has some of the same components as male ejaculatory fluid or semen.

But recently there has been a study which seems to prove this is not so. This research suggests the larger quantities of liquid emerging from the urethra when a woman squirts come from the bladder. This liquid is of a different chemical composition to “normal” urine.

The Truth About A Woman Squirting?

Gushing or squirting orgasms have gained a reputation for being very powerful. They seem to be some kind of enhanced orgasm.  Certainly the experience of being with a woman who squirts is very arousing. This may explain why men so much want to know how to make women squirt. Perhaps it’s a male pride thing, as in, “See what I made her do!”

But what do women who experience squirting orgasms, and the men who want to make them squirt, really feel?

Fun and pleasure is one obvious answer….. and intense female orgasm is another. It can be a peak sexual experience to see your female partner squirming in the grip of a powerful, very wet orgasm.

Want To Produce A Woman’s Squirting Orgasm?

Here’s How…

Most of the instructions about how to produce squirting orgasms suggest you start by putting fingertip pressure onto the area of the G spot. This is about an inch or two inside the vagina, on the upper wall, as a woman lies on her back. If she is sufficiently aroused, when she “bears down” at the point of orgasm, she’ll ejaculate fluid.

These instructions alter the angle at which the urethra enters the bladder. This apparently makes it much more difficult for a woman to retain urine.

So, yes, there could be an element of urination in gushing. But the fluid released during a squirting orgasm never smells like urine, nor does it look like it. You might therefore think that learning how to make a woman squirt is merely harmless fun.

Even so, if female ejaculation does turn out to be urination by any other name, there’s no harm in that.

Whatever it is, it can be very exciting for a woman to release this fluid. You only have to read what women say about squirting orgasms to see that they feel good. And  if both partners agree to try and make squirting happen, this can be a wonderful way of expressing your sexuality. It can be very arousing for woman and man alike to make a woman come in this way.

So with that said, it’s important to realize something. When a woman ejaculates clear fluid in volume, what comes out does seem to be dilute pee or urine.

The study which most people have taken as proof of this was conducted on seven women, who were all experienced squirters.

The researchers used ultrasound techniques to see if their bladders were full before and after orgasm.

Long story short, the women’s bladders appeared to partly fill with fluid before orgasm. After the woman had squirted, their bladders were empty.

But that isn’t the whole story.

It transpires that the fluid is different to “normal” urine. It contains some chemicals which are reminiscent of prostatic fluid, and it’s more dilute than most urine.

As it passes down the urethra, fluid from the Skene’s glands or prostatic tissue can mix in with the urine. So you might expect some difference in chemical composition to “normal” pee.

But even if that is correct, it doesn’t satisfy some women. They are adamant that the fluid they ejaculate in large quantities when they are made to squirt is NOT urine.

On balance, I think the evidence shows that the fluid which emerges during squirting or gushing is indeed urine. Chemical analysis and bladder ultrasound does seem to confirm that. But who knows? Tomorrow is another day!

Enjoy Squirting? Don’t Stop Squirting!

There’s a sense on the Internet that the scientists who investigate the nature of female ejaculate are spoiling people’s fun.

I mean, being told that you’re peeing during sex could be off-putting for some people. I get that. But the release of urine during orgasm can be very exciting, both psychologically and physically.

The urethra is full of sensitive nerve endings, for one thing. For another, the emotional sense of release and letting go when “ejaculating” can be  deeply profound and satisfying. This is a sense of surrendering to the body’s urge to release and let go, all of which adds to the excitement of sex.

Even if it’s just a physical thing caused by the angle of the bladder changing so that it’s harder to hold urine in, and thus contractions of the muscles at orgasm tend to promote the release of urine as a strong jet – well, so what?

Surely it’s much more important that people simply enjoy themselves during sex?

Video – Female Ejaculation

And by the way, don’t mention it, but there are quite a lot of women who need to pee before sex to ensure that they don’t release urine at the moment of orgasm. That’s called coital incontinence.

I guess if you think hygiene is top of the list of things you need to maintain during sex, then it’s not gonna be too exciting for you to squirt!

On the other hand, if the release of large quantities of fluid turns you on, and you are enjoying squirting orgasms – why not? Enjoy. Life’s too short to worry about it.

Another point of view

Way back when, Gary Schubach wrote an article on female ejaculation.

His research wasn’t very scientific, but all credit – he was trying to find out the constituents in female ejaculation. Or, as he put it, “the experiment focused on the nature, composition and source of female urethral expulsions during sexual arousal.”

He discovered that most of the fluid expelled by the women in this study came from their bladders. This, even though their bladders had been drained before sex! These women still expelled between 50 and 900 ml of fluid at the point of orgasm.

And – here’s the thing – there wasn’t much urea or creatinine in the expelled fluid. Those two things are what make up much of the chemicals in ordinary pee.

So the inference, as other research has shown, is that what’s expelled in a squirting orgasm isn’t normal urine. Somehow there’s a chemical process or change – or something – during sexual stimulation which changes the nature of the fluid expelled during squirting.

Schubach confirmed that the milky white mucus-like fluid comes down the urethra from the paraurethral glands and ducts during sexual excitement. So could it be that this fluid is mixing with fluid coming from the bladder?

It continues to be a controversy, which is a shame, as it distracts from the fact that knowing how to make a woman squirt might be a great way of enhancing sexual pleasure.

A final word (for the moment)

Despite these scientific studies, there are still plenty of women who claim that female ejaculatory fluid in large quantities comes out of the vagina, and it’s not like pee and it’s not like prostatic fluid.

The Tantric experts have a word for it – they call it Amrita or nectar of the gods – and it’s not urine. Female Ejaculation, they say, is a sacred process, and probably very different from squirting.

Female ejaculatory fluid is surrounded by this esoteric and slightly secret sense of a special gift to women who channel the energy of the gods. This link to the Divine Feminine makes female ejaculation even more mysterious.

She writes “Amrita is one of the greatest wonders of the world. People have tried to measure it, examine it, explain it, figure it out. There is no way to measure, or explain, the divine.”

Does this attitude to squirting orgasms help or hinder the debate? Does it help men or women who wish to know how to make a woman squirt?

Perhaps you have to make your own mind up!

So: female ejaculation of Amrita may be something else. There’s a summary of some aspects of the argument here.

By the way, it has to be said that most people who have tasted or smelled Amrita say it really does smell wonderful and taste good. And the quantity produced varies considerably – some women can soak the bed, other produce a dribble.

But really, in the end, does it matter what the fluid is?

Video – More On Squirting

Women and Orgasm (For Men!)

In the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: few women reach orgasm during intercourse. The majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what can you do if you’re trying to pleasure a woman by bringing her to orgasm?

The difficulty or ease with which a woman reaches orgasm is clearly affected by a range of factors: genetic,  social, emotional, and so on. For example, how much a woman trusts her man will affect how easily he can make her come during sexual interaction.

statistics relating to female orgasmOne issue is simply that there are so many factors that impact on a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm. The same is true, of course, on a man’s ability to give a woman sexual pleasure in bed by making her come or bringing her to orgasm. These include some less obvious factors – for example, sociological issues such as the meaning and acceptability of orgasm in her culture and her social environment.

orgasm during intercourse may be important to many womenAlso, some women feel more comfortable reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse than through masturbation. They may have an association in their minds between clitoral stimulation or masturbation and socially unacceptable or otherwise negative behavior.

Equally, any sexual activity which might threaten the intimacy of a sexual relationship could be potentially threatening for some women. It may be less culturally threatening, too, for some women,  if the man takes responsibility for his woman’s orgasm. And this means some men may be culturally pressured to know how to make a woman come. So we can see that both personality factors and the influence of culture and religion can be very important in the achievement of female sexual pleasure through orgasm. 

Valuing a man who knows how to make a woman come!

In a survey of heterosexual women, John Bancroft asked how important various factors were in reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual happiness. In order of importance, the percentage of women answering “very” or “extremely” important to the following questions were:

1) to feel emotionally close to your partner – 83.5%

2) to feel your partner is sexually satisfied – 78.9%

3) to feel talking comfortable but your partner about – 61.5%

4) to have an orgasm – 29.6%

shows how a man can make a woman come during intercourseThis clearly indicates that intercourse and orgasm have a different significance to women than they do to men. 

Frequency of orgasm

Kinsey showed that, when asked about intercourse in general, 22% of women said they never experience orgasm. By contrast, this number dropped to 14% for “assisted” intercourse (i.e., when clitoral stimulation was specifically included). Among men who are sexually active, 72% claim that they always had an orgasm to climax and ejaculated during intercourse with a partner, 22% said they usually did, 4% said they sometimes did, and 2% said they rarely or never did.

picture of the female g spotHowever, the implication that most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (which is really a simple factual observation) has caused controversy. Some sexologists believe that a man can only bring a woman to orgasmic pleasure through intercourse alone if her G spot has been awakened. This happens through a combination of sexual experience, sexual confidence, and emotional connection to her partner.

Certainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence around sexual orgasm in women. There seems to be a fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Whatever the truth, exploring such issues can be a good motivation for men and women to enjoy sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to really pleasure his partner in the way she would like. Men love to give women pleasure – it is a very affirming experience for them.

Ways to make a woman come

According to Cosmopolitan magazine,  around 10% of women have never had an orgasm with a partner.

sex techniquesAnd that is truly shocking! Considering that the basis of 99% of heterosexual relationships is love and sex, what can be done about it? Well, obviously, one of the things that can be done about it is for men to learn some great sexual techniques to increase a woman’s sexual pleasure. 

So here, courtesy of Cosmo, are some useful tips for women to achieve orgasm during intercourse.  (The text is addressed mainly to women!)

First of all, if you want to come easily, get on top during sexual intercourse. That way, if you lean forward, you can compress your clitoris between your pelvic bone and your  man’s, providing clitoral stimulation – hopefully sufficiently intense to make you come. But the exact angle you’re going to use to achieve climax quickly will depend on how your bodies come together — for example, how big your bellies are.

sex techniquesIf the man is lying on the bed, it might be necessary for him to arch his back a little bit so that his pelvis is raised. This gives you the opportunity to “grind” your clitoris against his pelvis. Hopefully that will make you come.

Now, one of the most important things to remember is that sex isn’t just about finding the right sexual position or technique. The truth of the matter is that women can become far more aroused than men during sex, and although it takes a different set of skills to arouse a woman to the point where she’s going to come than it does to arouse a man to that point. The interesting thing is that a man’s arousal depends to a large extent on how aroused his partner is. 

Some women feel they have to fake orgasm to please their man. Instead, show your partner exactly what you need him to do to make you orgasm. You can say something like “I want to try something new and see if it makes reaching orgasm easier for me.” He’ll understand that! Or you could invite him to masturbate you, showing him exactly where to put his hand or tongue, to make your orgasm easy.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t come during intercourse — and very few women do — then explain to your partner that you like clitoral stimulation. Tell him you want more of this, especially during sex with him, so that you get even more pleasure in bed. 

One of the ways that you can introduce the subject tactfully without hurting his feelings is by suggesting you enjoy some mutual masturbation to get you both aroused. 

A general tip:  you’ve no doubt heard of Kegel exercises? Believe me, Kegel exercises are one of the things that will make reaching orgasm a heck of a lot easier! You do need resistance, though, it’s no use just contracting the muscle as if you were stopping yourself urinating. That means buying something like the Kegel Master, a device specially designed for women to increase the strength of their PC muscles and hopefully make achieving orgasm easier for them. 

However – there are other approaches that depend on slight changes in sexual position to give you much greater pleasure.In the classic missionary position, you can tilt your hips so that you’re directing his penis to the right spot inside your vagina. That “right spot” is the one most likely to make you come!

Alternatively, if he’s keen on giving you sexual pleasure in bed, you can grab hold of his hips and move him in exactly the way you need  so that his erection stimulates your clitoris or vulva.

Pleasure in bed comes in many ways  

So, during sex, it’s always possible for you, or him, to “lend a helping hand. ” In other words, for you or him to stimulate your clitoris, thereby helping yourself reach orgasm easily. Similarly, if you’re actually lying face down in the rather nice and comfy position that is called “reverse missionary”, then one option is view to grind your clitoris against a pillow or the bed itself.

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who ejaculate during intercourse develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s ex educator Laci Green on “Squirting”

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come and to give and receive sexual pleasure in bed!

The Art Of Sexual Pleasure

Many woman have one special sexual approach which makes them aroused, and can sometimes make them reach orgasm without direct stimulation of the genitals. Here are examples:

“Anal intercourse. It’s so exciting!” Please be careful if you do this, and watch out for the transfer of yeast cells from the vagina to the anus. This can cause yeast infections of the vagina, or Bacterial Vaginosis. Bad news both!

“Running his fingers all over the lips of my vagina and inside and out and on and on forever, and I get sexually aroused so very slowly and yet realizing that I can go on rising until eternity, and anticipating, and finally he plunges in a finger, two fingers hard and go on from there, and/or a special thrill, a sudden twist of the hand so that the wrist bone grates against the soft sensitive insides of the tops of my thighs, and I come in a massive climax, with my natural sexual lubrication spurting out of me!”

“I love him to run his hands over and under my ass while we’re making love at the same time that we’re kissing.”

“Standing when you are held so close and tight you can feel your man’s penis and balls fitting so comfortably between your legs.”

“I love to have my tits played with. I get really turned on when a man sucks on them. I get turned on by this more than by anything else. When a man plays with my clitoris with his fingers, it feels really good, but I don’t come.”

“My lover caresses and touches every inch of my body, but when he brushes my vagina with his penis, it is the most glorious moment of all his caresses. He knows how much I enjoy this moment and prolongs entry as long as I can stand it.”

“The touch of his penis at my vagina entrance makes me leap forward towards orgasm with a big jump.”

“Having my breasts and nipples caressed arouses me very much and can soon bring me off. I especially, like to have a man take one of my nipples into his mouth. I could and have spent much time having a man do that to me. Second to that is cunnilingus which arouses me about as much.”

“Having the area of my clitoris and vagina caressed makes me respond more than anything else. One way of doing that, which is difficult for a man to do, but which I get most pleasure from, is having that area caressed with the top of his penis. If he cannot do that, doing it with his tongue is just about as good.”

“Sixty-nine – mutual oral sex – arouses us both on more than anything else. Standing in the shower with the water and soap falling off us is great and also good clean fun.”

Although most women respond much more keenly than men to gentle stroking and almost require this type of preliminary play to become fully aroused, men also welcome this type of caress.

Remember the general principle that stroking with the whole hand generally proves exciting to both parties, while fingertip stroking usually excites the passive partner more than the active one.

Video – ways for a woman to orgasm

An example of what makes a woman come!

Krystyna is thirty-four, a Swede married to an Englishman, and lives in Sussex, England. She emails to say:

“We have a heated swimming pool, where we can swim naked all the year round. We often make love while we are swimming. It’s quite surprising the number of different things you can do.

Two positions that we use, each of which I find especially exciting and which give me fantastic orgasms. In one I lie on my tummy holding on to the steps, which are at the shallow end. When he kneels down in the water Max’s penis is exactly level with my vagina.

So he kneels between my legs and pushes into me, and then puts his hand round and parts my labia. He doesn’t touch my clitoris at all. Then we rock backwards and forwards, and the movement of the water over my clitoris is indescribable. It takes a long time for me to come off like this, because the build-up is slow.

As you know, a man who has control of his ejaculation and knows the art of lasting in bed is a man who most women would prefer as a lover. At least compared to a man who has no control and ejaculates prematurely before the woman is satisfied during sex.

Building up to orgasm may take more than a quarter of an hour, but all the time there are these superb sensations which slowly get more and more intense, until there is a huge burst, which makes me tremble like a leaf from fingertips to toes.

Max always holds out until I begin to tremble, then he brings himself to orgasm and the jerking of his penis inside me makes me tremble even more. The more I tremble, the more intense my sensations are. I have blacked out coming off like this, which I have never done when we make love in bed or anywhere else. Another way we do it is to go into deeper water, so that Max’s feet are firmly touching the bottom and his shoulders are above the water.

Then I climb on to his penis and put my legs round his waist, and cross my feet. When Max bends his knees and straightens them, his penis goes in and out of my vagina and as it does so, it makes the water flow under a kind of pressure between my labia and over my clitoris, and this is fantastic, too.

But most fantastic of all is when we do it at the water inlet. This is in the shallow end, and the water flows in very, very strongly. I face the inlet and hang, on to the sides, then with my knees apart I squat down until my vulva is exactly opposite the end about six or seven inches away. Max kneels behind me and comes into me.

The underwater jet forces my labia open and plays directly on my clitoris. This can lead to surprising events like female ejaculation. I never thought I was able to ejaculate but this has shown me that sexually I can do whatever I want! And the jet also hits the base of Max’s penis which doesn’t come in me, and joggles his balls about, which he finds very exciting. I always have seven or eight orgasms, and Max never fewer than two. His second one always takes longer than the first, which is why I have so many more orgasms than Max.

But once when Max was particularly randy he had three in about three minutes, and then had two more slower ones. I lost count of mine that time. We had to go and lie on the bed afterwards, we were completely exhausted. But it was a fantastic experience.

How To Pleasure A Woman

Women’s sexual pleasure

One of the things that a lot of men seem to have great difficulty with is knowing how to please a woman successfully. This means knowing how to give her an orgasm during sex so she is sexually satisfied.

You need to be reasonably good at lovemaking, reasonably knowledgeable about sexual pleasure,  and prepared to take the time to find out what your partner wants. Then, it isn’t at all difficult to give a woman great sexual pleasure.

One of things to understand is the fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to sexual arousal. Women are far slower to arouse sexually than men, as a generality. They also need far more stimulation and foreplay to reach the level of arousal at which penetration becomes desirable to them.

So men must curb their impulses to penetrate and reach orgasm as quickly as possible. In fact, rapid sex is often a way in which men deprive themselves of sexual pleasure anyway. If you extend foreplay and withhold your own orgasm as a man, your orgasms will be much more powerful and enjoyable than if you do not.

Are you willing to engage in this form of sexual interplay? If you are, you and your partner can enjoy much more pleasurable sex. You’ll also enjoy much more sexual and orgasmic pleasure and satisfaction. So how to do it? Get some advice, maybe! Read about how to please a man in bed here and how to please a woman in bed here. There is a lot of information on this whole matter available on those two websites.

How to sexually please a woman in bed

The discipline lies in curbing your enthusiasm for penetration and ejaculation! The key to this lies in making sex last longer. You need to focus on the desire to satisfy please your partner, to please her sexually, to pleasure her in bed, to give a sexual fulfillment to her….

Many men are accustomed to taking their pleasure, with little thought perhaps of the woman’s pleasure. You need to change this sexual habit, and find out a way of actually engaging in sex that satisfies her as well as you!

The expression “women come first” is about a way of making love designed to achieve greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction for both men and women alike.

What it means is that if you’re aiming for maximum sexual pleasure as a couple, then ensure that the woman comes first. The man achieves his orgasm after his partner has enjoyed her orgasm.

When she has an orgasm first, her vagina will be lubricated, tumescent and warm. This is far more satisfying for a man and from the woman’s point of view, this is a pleasurable experience too. Her arousal decreases far more slowly than his. A man might want to end sexual contact after his ejaculation, but a woman is often happy to engage in further sexual contact with her partner after her orgasm.

So foreplay which is designed to arouse the woman (and maybe bring her to orgasm) can really help to establish a wonderful sexual relationship between the members of a couple.

Now obviously there are times when we all want a “quickie” – in other words, sex to satisfy an urge. This is very pleasurable, perhaps comes from a moment of passion, and satisfies us sexually. So the thing is, all kinds of sex are valuable provided they are done in a loving way. But this, well, this is a great way of satisfying a woman.

Physical Contact As An Essential Element of Every Successful Relationship

The body of every man and woman is well supplied with erogenous zones which, if properly caressed, bring full sexual arousal. Women’s chief erogenous zones are, in order of greatest sensitivity, the clitoris, the labia, and the vagina entrance.

Next come the nipples, but though the majority of women respond readily to stimulation of them by finger and thumb and the mouth (sucking or licking), there are far more women than is realized who find such attentions to the nipples off-putting by being irritating and sometimes downright painful. The equivalent areas on men’s bodies are the penis, testicles, nipples and scrotum. 

The other sensitive zones for both sexes are the insides and, to a less extent, the outsides of the upper thighs, the perineum, behind the knees, the lips and the inside of the mouth, the throat, the nape of the neck, behind the ears, the lobes, the length of the spine, the buttocks, the anus, and the navel.

There are not many parts of the surface of the body, then, that are not sexually responsive to caresses of one kind or another, principally with the fingers, lips, and tongue.

This being so, responses to physiological stimuli, at least via some of the sensitive zones, makes physiological response universal. And of course some arousal is entirely or principally psychological: this is particularly true of the woman’s caresses of the partner, which although physiological for him, have psychologically arousing properties for her.

Well, what does turn a woman on and make her come?

A good communication system between husband and wife brings far more satisfaction than anything else except good sex! But there are specific cases – for example – if she is anorgasmic, training the muscles of her pelvic floor will go a long way towards ending anorgasmia.

Ways to give a woman an orgasm

False beliefs that (may) spoil sex – and popular ways to make a woman come!

One false belief is that successful sex involves mutual orgasm. But as we know, a woman may have one or several orgasms before her husband ejaculates.

Another is that a woman will always come during intercourse by thrusting alone. In the absence of orgasm during intercourse, people have ended until quite recently to blame the man, saying that he did not know how to make love or else was a selfish character who did not care whether his wife was satisfied or not.

Truth is, for mutual assured pleasure, a woman needs to come before her man enters her. Many women (nearly 1 in 4 in our survey) invariably come from manual stimulation of the clitoris, and about half always come from cunnilingus.

Sexual Fantasy and Your Pleasure

Visualization  &  Fantasy For Women’s Sexual Pleasure

Visualization can be a way of relaxing. Close your eyes while you’re being pleasured and imagine you’re somewhere else—on a Tahiti beach listening to the regular, smooth breaking of the waves, warming in the South Pacific sun.

 In a suite in a Swiss ski lodge on a fur rug before a crackling fire. In Paris between satin sheets in an elegant hotel. Choose someplace that makes you feel good and makes you feel peaceful and go there.

Sexual fantasy

Sexual fantasy involves a variety of visualization techniques. It is the preserve of the Lover archetype within you. But what purpose does it serve? Well…..

Fantasy can chase resistances to pleasure away. You can, for example, imagine a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone else, or you can recall a pleasurable sexual experience you’ve had in the past. Some people fantasize more easily than others. Everyone can learn to relax into sexual fantasy.

If you think you have difficulty fantasizing, try this exercise: start by closing your eyes and seeing yourself as you are right now, at this very moment, with your eyes closed, doing just what you are doing. Then experience your breathing. Notice your lungs filling and emptying and the sensation of your breath passing in and out of your nose.

Now, eyes closed, picture the objects in the room around you. Can you see them almost as if you had your eyes open? Picture yourself in the room among these objects. What are you wearing? Visualize your clothes.

Now change the scene. Visualize yourself on a soft, sandy beach, lying on powder-white sand in warm sun. Then picture someone with you on the beach.

Now switch to a sexual fantasy. Recall in detail a desirable sexual experience with your partner or with someone else. Or imagine a sexual experience that you would like to have at some future time. These memories and experiences may appear to you as snapshots, as movies, as fragmented and impressionistic images. They may involve feelings or words more than visual images.

Keep the fantasy in mind and build on it by adding new details. You can change the setting or add new experiences to real experiences you remember. This is the creative world of the sensually oriented Lover archetype, the part of you which is always looking for sensual, sexual, social and loving connection.

Top Sexual Fantasies For Women

Knowing what other people fantasize about can help you learn to fantasize. Everyone has sexual fantasies some of the time. Here are common fantasies, listed in the order of their popularity:

Sex with your regular partner. Pleasures you’ve enjoyed together in the past. Pleasures you’d like to enjoy but can’t because you or your partner finds them unacceptable in real life. Real experiences with imaginary embellishments. Feel free to invent any activities you think you would enjoy with your partner, however unlikely. They’re your private fantasies and yours alone.

Sex variation with other opposite-sex partners. Someone you have met or known. Screen stars, sports heroes and heroines, your high school prom king or queen. Since this is fantasy, not reality, it’s safe to pick anyone you want. Imagine where you are, what you’re doing, what you say to each other. Visualize how your imagined partner looks and how touching and caressing feels. Decide what you would like to do. Mentally write an entire shared scene. You may be more comfortable with this fantasy if you also fantasize that your regular partner is having sex with someone else. After all, the Lover archetype (read more here about the Lover in men) is always ready to take connection where he or she can get it. (Read more here about the Lover in women.)

A woman may imagine two men loving her physically at the same time, or a man and a woman. One may be a stranger and the other her regular partner.

Being taken. Fantasies of being taken sexually against your will. Women particularly enjoy this fantasy. It’s perfectly acceptable. It has nothing to do with reality. Unwilling, forced sex is an ugly, violent act of criminal assault. To imagine a stranger or someone you know taking you forcefully is a fantasy! Perhaps your regular partner is made to watch. You resist at first, then give in. You may be tied up and totally helpless but become sexually aroused along the way.

Sex with same-sex partners. Most people fantasize occasionally about having sex with people of their own gender, although many strongly resist acknowledging these thoughts. If you aren’t too threatened to explore this fantasy, picture in detail whom you would enjoy having sex with, what you would do, and where you would do it. Same-sex fantasies aren’t an indication of homosexuality, conscious or unconscious. They’re simply exercises in human imagination, a normal part of life.

Fantasies left over from childhood. Vivid memories of fantasies and experiences may return to you from childhood if you let them. Our first sexual experiences and feelings are often overwhelmingly powerful; you can tap some of that residual emotion by recalling them. They may be only fragmentary: a girl’s hair brushing a boy’s face; a glimpse of someone naked. You may have thought of playing doctor with another child, or of having sex with an adult. Recall those fantasies now.

Fantasies have great value in sex.

They’re private, so they affect no one else and depend on no one else, and they actually change body chemistry. They stimulate arousal; they can give you a head start on pleasure with your partner. The image comes before the reality and begins preparing the body for that reality.

If you find a fantasy arousing, continue that fantasy. If you find a fantasy neutral or negative, switch to another fantasy until you discover one that gives you pleasure.

Start with a fantasy that feels safe. Mentally write the scene. What time is it? Where are you? What does your partner (or partners) look like? What do both of you (or all of you) do? Begin dressed and enjoy undressing—even fantasies deserve time for foreplay! Don’t rush your fantasy. Extending it will add pleasure and benefit arousal.

If you are fantasizing about sex with someone other than your regular partner, choose someone with whom you feel comfortable. If the fantasy works, keep it going. If it doesn’t work, change it.

Use fantasy in sexual situations. First fantasize alone while you self-stimulate. Then add fantasy while you’re with your partner making love.

Some people fear they will act out their fantasies. Fantasies are almost always safe. Very few people ever act out fantasies they believe to be taboo.

Some people fear that fantasizing is dishonest. They believe they owe their partners one hundred percent of their physical and mental attention. They believe fantasizing is disloyal. They think that their partners would feel rejected and excluded if they knew. In fact, sharing fantasies often increases a partner’s excitement.

Partners should trust each other enough to share some fantasies. One way to test the water is to share a relatively safe fantasy and see what happens—a fantasy, for example, that involves only your partner and yourself, doing something together that you don’t usually do. The sharing can develop from there.

How To Really Give A Woman What She Wants!

Men: Want To Know How To Give A Woman An Orgasm?

As any man who’s been in a relationship with a woman is likely to understand, women don’t always appreciate the male approach to problems – fixing, or in other words, doing something.

Sometimes women just want to talk, share and feel their emotions. So if you want to know how to make a woman come, it’s important to avoid that very masculine approach to sex in general and pleasuring her in particular. That approach is treating your sexual experience with her like it’s all some kind of a challenge to make her orgasm! Let’s look at a better approach, one guaranteed to give her pleasure (and give her an orgasm).

How To Give A Woman An Orgasm – Step By Step

1. Start By Making Her Feel Good

If you want to make a woman come, you need to adopt an approach to sex which makes her feel like you’re right there with her. She needs to know you’re sharing the experience, loving every minute of it, enjoying the sensuality, and feeling intimate with her.

But good gracious, I hear you say, you’re a man, how can you do that emotional stuff and make a woman come at the same time?

Well, it’s possible. The answer is to be so confident in your sexual skills with a woman that you (and she) can relax. That way you can bring her off AND you’ll feel close to her at the same time. And when you really know how to give a woman an orgasm, she’ll feel your confidence and respond to it.

photo of a man making a woman come during penetrative sex
Although the idea of making a woman orgasm through penetration is an appealing one, it doesn’t happen very often, as we shall see in a moment.

2. Stop Thinking About “How To Achieve Female Orgasm” 

If you look around the Internet, much of material that’s been published about how to make a woman come, how to help her achieve orgasm, is very much along the lines of an instruction manual.

But knowing how to give a girl an orgasm isn’t just about knowing the fastest way to bring her to orgasm. It’s about knowing about sexual technique as well as knowing how to make her happy. It’s about being sure you know how to please her in bed physically, and satisfy her emotionally both in and out of bed.

3. Be Flexible – There Are Many Ways You Can Help A Woman Achieve Orgasm.

First and foremost, if you want to make a woman come in the bedroom, start with what we could call “unconscious foreplay” outside the bedroom. In other words, show her how much you love her and how much you want to share pleasure with her in those subtle ways, the gestures which mean a great deal to any woman.

You might want to leave a romantic love note in her underwear drawer which she’s going to find after you’ve left for work, You might want to send her flowers unexpectedly, so she gets a delivery while you’re out of the house. You might want to send her a romantic text message. You might want to spend more time kissing and hugging her, so that she knows how valuable she is to you.

couple in bed - the man has just made the women come

Just being together and intimate is a great way to start out when you’re aiming to please a woman by bringing her to orgasm. That’s a great (and easy) kind of foreplay! If you incorporate this kind of foreplay into every aspect of your daily life, it can be fun! And this is the kind of romancing that a woman needs to make her feel sexual.

You know that old cliche about men needing sex to feel loving? Well it’s true, and so is the other one, about women needing to be loved to feel sexy.

But what about the kind of foreplay you’d enjoy with a woman IN bed?

4. Use Foreplay As Your Ally In Making Her Orgasm

Most men find foreplay a trifle tedious, but it doesn’t have to be. For example, did you know that most women find kissing extremely sexy? That women love to kiss and be kissed, provided it’s done skilfully and with love and care? Studies have shown that kissing your partner reduces the level of cortisol (the stress hormone) in your system.

And to revert to an instruction manual approach for a minute, get this: as you kiss her, tilt your head to the right. Apparently scientists in Germany found this has more of a positive impact on a woman than any other orientation. Though this seems somewhat improbable, it apparently makes her think of you as more caring. This causes her brain to produce more oxytocin, which is the hormone that influences bonding. Who knew?

Another thing. When you have her in a romantic, ahem, situation, you’re not simply going to kiss her mouth, are you? Women’s bodies are sensitive all over, and they respond well to gentle and sensitive kissing. By arousing her entire body, you are much more likely to be able to make her come. Here’s some advice from Cosmo on this subject.

5. Understand The Techniques Of Sexual Pleasuring 

Of course the main objective here is to ensure you know how to give a woman an orgasm. So, let’s suppose you’re with her in an intimate situation and you’re beginning to take off some clothes.

Each time you, or she, takes off some article of clothing, stand back for a moment and look at her body and admire it. Women can be very self-conscious a woman about their appearance, particularly in a sexual situation. This is because they constantly appraise how beautiful or attractive they are. They do this mostly in comparison to other women, but also in comparison to an internal standard of beauty.

Your woman wants and needs nothing more than to be appreciated, admired, reassured and cherished. She needs this not just once, but over and over again. By doing this you can make a woman feel confident about her body.

woman looking seductively at her man

Keep telling her how beautiful her body is and how sexy and attractive she is… that will relax her mind and body and so make her more likely to come, to reach orgasm, easily.

And of course when she feels confident about her body, she’s also going to feel sexy. That’s because she can relax into her physicality, and open up to the possibility of reaching orgasm without fear of judgement from you.

You’ve probably heard many times that when you’re trying to make a woman come, when you’re trying to get a girl to orgasm, you don’t go straight for the parts of her body that might be most attractive to you: her breasts, clitoris, vulva and so on.

You need to exercise patience as you tease her. Work your way round to her vulva and breasts. Gently stroke up towards her vulva, veering off the last moment without touching it, for example.

This teasing is going to raise her anticipation and will get her more aroused. This is going to make her come more easily, and the more excited she is, the more powerful her orgasm will be!

When you finally do move from stroking her body to stroking her sexually sensitive areas, make sure you do it right. You have to know how to give a woman an orgasm so you’re confident in bed, remember?

6. Give Her Oral Pleasure Before Penetration!

You might be accustomed to turning her on, and then, just as she’s getting aroused, plunging into her, thrusting vigorously, and reaching your own orgasm quickly.

Now, although that might be an attractive recipe for your sexual menu, it’s not going to do very much for her. In fact it’s probably going to leave her “hanging”, aroused and unsatisfied, without an orgasm. And you really don’t want her to masturbate to orgasm after you’ve gone to sleep, do you? Do you? No, of course not…..

So here’s a good idea for you. The most reliable route to orgasm, the easiest way to bring a woman off, is to pleasure her with oral sex.

What each woman wants in the way of oral stimulation is more or less specific to her. This means you’re going to have to be sensitive to her responses. She’s going to show you if she likes what you’re doing through her bodily movements and the sounds she makes.

If she’s aroused she’ll probably raise her vulva towards your mouth. If you feel her body moving away from your mouth slightly, then you may need to change what you’re doing to turn her on more.

But if you hear her moaning, keep doing what you’re doing, and keep the pace steady. Unlike you, she’s going to want a steady rhythm of stimulation until she’s very near orgasm (then you can speed up).

Stimulation of the clitoris is a great way to bring a woman to orgasm!
Oral stimulation of her body can be a great way to make a woman come. This is because only a small percentage of women can reach orgasm through intercourse alone.

If you can bring her off with oral pleasure (cunnilingus), and she’ll most likely be very grateful for that, because most women say that oral pleasure is their very favourite sexual activity.

The best estimate is that around 15% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. 

So, the simple truth is that if you want to make a woman come, if you want to give a woman an orgasm, you are most likely going to do it with oral or manual pleasuring before intercourse.

The great thing is that after she’s come she will probably welcome you into her body for intercourse! And you’ll enjoy intercourse much more because she’s aroused and satisfied, and her vagina will be warm, wet, and ready for penetration.

These are all of the techniques you really need . Use them wisely and you’ll never have any difficulty making a woman come. (If you want to read more about this approach, try Ian Kerner’s book, She Comes First.)

Woman On Top Sex Positions Can Help A Woman Come

How To Make A Woman Come (Woman On Top Sex)!

There are many advantages of this sex position. The main ones are listed below. 

  • It is a very exciting sex position and gives a woman a good chance of reaching orgasm.
  • It will provide a woman with a sense of excitement and makes her feel she’s in control and powerful.
  • Changes her role from that of the submissive into that of the dominant partner and gives her more psychological power during sex.
  • She can control the speed and rhythm of sex.
  • The man can see his partner’s breasts, which is exciting for him.
  • The woman can initiate and lead during sex, and she can control the depth of thrusting. She can also find the exact position and alignment of her and her partner’s body which is most likely to make her come.
  • The man may relax and relinquish control – a refreshing experience for him, perhaps.

We all know how the basic woman on top sex position works: the woman straddles the man as he lies on his back. He know that his movements going to be limited, because he’s carrying her weight. This means that she can control the depth of thrusting, as well as the rhythm and speed of sex. As she can control how he moves against her, she is more likely to be able to ensure her clitoris or G spot receives enough stimulation for er to reach orgasm. This is indeed a position which is likely to make a woman come during intercourse. Read more about how to control a woman’s orgasm here.

For many women this degree of control is a completely new experience – and a very welcome one!

So how can this position help a woman come? Well, first of all, the partners can see each other. He can stroke her breasts, clitoris, back, and to some degree her buttocks, while she can play with his chest, upper body, and you can reach round and fondle his testicles.

The great advantage here is that the woman can move her hips in a variety of ways. First she can enjoy pelvic thrusting, or she can move her hips in a circular motion which will give the man a great deal of sexual excitement.

She can control the depth to which he enters her, so that she gets the exact stimulation she needs inside her vagina if she is able to reach orgasm from G spot stimulation.

If he has ejaculatory problems, this may be a successful way of helping him regain control over his ability to ejaculate in an average or normal time scale.

For men who have trouble controlling premature ejaculation, it may be preferable to reach for Lloyd Lester’s superb program on ejaculation control, known as Ejaculation by Command. You can read all about it if you click here where you can see a full review of the system.

Variations of woman on top sex

The woman lies on top

One of the great advantages in woman on top sex is that the feelings can be very intense. Even better, the woman has the capacity to control how intense they are by closing her thighs or opening them wide. Sex may take place with the woman’s thighs outside the man’s, or the man’s thighs outside the woman’s.

This can produce extremely intense stimulation to the penis, and may well make a man ejaculate very quickly. (Advice on improving sex and controlling the speed of ejaculation can be found here.) It also limits the depth of penetration, which can be extremely useful for the woman if her man has very large penis.

Many other variations are possible when the woman leans forward or backwards. As you may well imagine, this alters the angle of the penis and vagina, and produces very different sensations for both partners. The great advantage is that the woman can find a position where her G spot is stimulated most intensely.

One of the problems that may arise during the sexual experimentation is that a man’s penis may be bent uncomfortably, particularly in position known as the reverse cowgirl.

The reverse cowgirl is when the woman is riding the man while facing away from him. Many men, particularly those whose penises are hard and erect and point directly upwards, will find the bending of the penis is too uncomfortable to sustain this sex position, in which case the woman should adopt the more conventional cowgirl position.

The woman on top faces towards the man

You can play with each other’s bodies – in particular the woman’s anus or the man’s balls are very accessible, and kissing and licking is enjoyable too – especially her breasts. This is a very interesting variation that goes far beyond simple mechanical sex – it’s a lovers embrace at every level: emotional, psychological and physical.

If each member of the couple has a degree of support, they can remain locked around each other for long periods of time, only moving enough to sustain man’s erection.

This can produce great intimacy, particular the couple can resist thrusting, as they enjoy talking, gazing at each other, and loving each other through mutual touch on all the available areas of the body.

In fact, it’s a great Tantric position. Which allows for profound energy flow and the connection between the partners.

A man’s viewpoint

As a man I have some strong opinions about woman on top sex. In fact, it’s actually one of my favorites. I love the sense of being able to relax from taking the dominant role during sex, underlying my partner to take charge. More to the point, of course, is the fact that this is a great position for helping a woman to come. Indeed, it is the only sexual position in which I can make a woman come during intercourse.

One of the things that women often don’t realize that men is that the burden of leading and controlling during sexual activity can be tedious and difficult after a while.

It’s a great experience for the woman to take charge, not only because she then has much more control over the way in which she reaches orgasm, but also because the man relinquishes responsibility for taking the woman towards orgasm.

Instead, he can just relax and enjoy the experience of being made love to buy his partner. Some women may not like this, claiming that it’s never the man’s job to make the woman come! My experience does, however, suggest that most women expect their man to give them an orgasm most of the time!

The way this has been justified to me is by women saying things like “it’s much more fun if you do it”.

Of course I have no objection to that — it’s very exciting, and even somewhat flattering, for a man when he takes woman to orgasm.

But the truth is that sex is a shared experience, and to make sure that’s the way it stays, sometimes the woman needs take charge. In fact, my partner actually enjoys taking charge in this way.

She has the power, when she can tease me by riding me slowly or quickly as she chooses; this power over a man is a wonderful thing for my woman, because she can take me to the brink of sexual ecstasy time after time after time, finally giving me enough stimulation so that I have a massive orgasm.

You see, men often feel they need to ejaculate as quickly as possible: certainly that’s what their instincts tell them to do! In reality, however, I find sex is much better if it takes a long time to build up towards orgasm.

Let’s not overlook something else of crucial importance here: women want the opportunity to be able to give pleasure to their men, and woman on top sex is a profoundly satisfying way to do it. So there are two sources of satisfaction here: the position itself lends itself to making a woman come, and she can also get pleasure from pleasuring her man – about which you can read more here!

Depending on whether you adopt the reverse cowgirl or the conventional cowgirl, the man has the pleasure of seeing the woman’s buttocks or her breasts, but in either case he’s guaranteed added excitement simply because he has such a good view of her body.

As she leans towards or away from him, his penis will experience different degrees of pressure & stimulation. This can provide more excitement, variation, and in the end more satisfaction. All in all, this sex position can satisfy everybody.

Have an orgasm during sex by controlling the pace of sex, the angle and depth of penetration, and the pressure on her clitoris, becomes a restful experience for the man. This time he can lie back and enjoy it! 

With a simple program of premature ejaculation exercises, the only program which can give you absolute control over your ejaculation, so letting you make love with total sexual mastery for just as long as you want, you can control your ejaculation and actually have complete control over your ejaculation – which means being able to choose when you ejaculate during sex!

The Art Of Easy Orgasm For Women

Although this may seem like an extremely obvious thing to say, it might be something that you haven’t actually thought about: the quality of a sexual relationship can be measured by the number of orgasms and the frequency of intercourse you have. And this may directly control the level of sexual pleasure that you and your partner people enjoy.

So far, so good. That might not be such a surprising conclusion. But the research gets more interesting. It seems people who have a deeply satisfying sexual relationship (as measured by the criteria mentioned above) also have a good relationship in all other areas of their life. In fact, number of orgasms in the bedroom seems directly related to pleasure and harmony outside it.

This is because a good sexual relationship produces feelings of intimacy and connection which spill over into the relationship in general.

This means the partners are engaged with each other in a relationship that’s intimate and provides a sense of connection. And then they are much more likely to be working harmoniously together. They are also much more likely to be getting along without arguments. And they are much more likely to be regarding each other with affection.

So what’s the message for us all here? I think it’s very obvious:  if your sexual relationship isn’t working particularly well, you need to find ways to improve it.

How To Improve Your Relationship

Most sexual relationships between most couples in this country could be improved by enjoying more orgasms.

Regrettably it has become all too common for sexual relationships to serve as a vehicle for the man’s sexual satisfaction whilst the woman remains unsatisfied. That means she has fewer orgasms than her man, or at least she doesn’t orgasm on a regular basis.

Why? An interesting question indeed. The answer probably relates in the main to men’s attitude to sex and women’s desire to please (or to avoid upsetting) their man by being too “sexually demanding”.

It’s also possible there is a reflection of our patriarchal society in this dynamic. Men have controlled women’s sexuality in the Western world (and even more so elsewhere) for a very long time.

However, we are moving into a new era of enlightenment and education, and we must make efforts to ensure that sexual satisfaction is shared equally between the two people in a couple.

This means there needs to be some way of ensuring  women reach orgasm on a regular basis. When this happens, women can share  the sexual satisfaction and pleasure in the wider relationship. As I said, this has been shown to come from orgasmic satisfaction and pleasure.

How To Fix Your Relationship and Have More Orgasms

This website is aimed solely at getting women into a place of greater sexual pleasure, i.e. greater orgasmic frequency:

It reviews the history of orgasms in relationships between men and women. It also thoroughly discusses how women can come to orgasm much more often. This gives them a lot of sexual pleasure they might not otherwise experience.

You may think there are only a few ways to bring a woman to orgasm. Of course in one sense you’d be correct: there is clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, and, for the experts, G spot and cervical stimulation.

But that’s not the point I’m getting at! There are numerous ways in which a woman’s erogenous zones can be stimulated by a man to give a woman great orgasms and lots of sexual pleasure. The least successful of these, as you may know, is intercourse.

Very few women reach orgasm during intercourse. There are several reasons for this.

The first is that in general most women come through clitoral stimulation. But the clitoris receives very little stimulation during intercourse, unless the couple take the time and trouble to use the coital alignment technique (read about it here). This is specifically designed to provide clitoral stimulation.

The next problem is that men (in general) ejaculate so quickly that they aren’t able to provide enough stimulation to their woman. This means that even if she could reach an orgasm during intercourse with prolonged lovemaking, she doesn’t do so. (Men: discover ways to slow down ejaculation using the stop start technique here.)

It’s a controversial subject even now whether women have clitoral orgasms and vaginal orgasms. (They do.) But leaving that issue aside, it’s fair to say that most men’s quick ejaculation brings intercourse to an end long before a woman could have a chance of reaching orgasm even if she was able to.

Also, intercourse duration is very much determined by how long it takes the man to come (ejaculate). In other words, sex between heterosexual couples generally comes to an end when the man ejaculates. This is because most men lose interest in sex after they have ejaculated.

So the difference between men and women in terms of sexual arousal and satisfaction is considerable. A lot of women who reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation will then want vaginal penetration.

There’s a clear message here: if a man makes a woman come before he climaxes (however that is achieved), she will get pleasure. If he engages in intercourse, ejaculates, and then sex finishes, she will most likely not get pleasure. She will be unfulfilled and unsatisfied.

However, all of this knowledge is useless unless you know some techniques that can actually work for you as a couple. Techniques which will allow you to make a woman come and have pleasurable sex. Or even  orgasmic bliss!

So I suggest you have a look here: this is a repository of techniques for achieving sexual pleasure. It may not be  a complete account of how to bring a woman to orgasm, or how to make a woman come, but it’s certainly a big step in the right direction.

It covers many of the aspects of sexuality which men and women don’t really know so much about – even if they’ve been in a relationship for some time.

By the way, why don’t men and women discuss sex on a regular and intimate basis? Well, that’s another issue! What we can say with great confidence is this: when sex is going well, and providing a couple with satisfaction and pleasure, they’re much more likely to be able to talk about personally intimate issues. And then they are much more likely to have the means to resolve any difficulties.

Good Sex and Good Orgasms

Coming To Good Sex

Many men want to know how to make a woman come, but experiencing sexual arousal and reaching orgasm follow different paths in a woman than they do in a man.

As a man, you’re no doubt very experienced in reaching orgasm – you’ve probably been practicing since you were a teenager! 

Male sexual pleasure is generally much more easily achieved than female pleasure.

You know that a regular rhythm of stimulation to the penis, either gentle and soft, or hard and fast, according to your personal preference and sensitivity, will generally result in an orgasm very quickly. The orgasm might be long or short, depending on how long it is since you last ejaculated, but in general it’ll be pleasurable to a greater or lesser degree.

You then lose interest in sex and your sexual arousal drops quickly, but in general it’s quite a short time before you’re interested in having another orgasm – although as men age, the time between orgasms tends to increase.

For a woman, this kind of mechanical stimulus and response doesn’t apply so much. Knowing how to make a woman come depends on many factors.

One of the reasons for this is that women tend to be much more dependent on emotional and mental stimuli for orgasm than men are.

Pleasuring a woman in bed is easy
What she thinks of as satisfaction may be very different from what he thinks of as satisfaction!

So for example, a romantic and loving atmosphere, in comfortable and pleasant surroundings, with a partner who is not only liked but trusted, are precursors for most women to reach orgasm easily.

Sure, we’ve all heard of the one night stands that young women in particular are enjoying these days, but the truth of the matter is that for most women, the old standards still apply: while having sex is easy, reaching orgasm is not so easy… unless there’s a romantic atmosphere and a partner who is appreciated, trusted and loved present.

Further, there’s a degree of skill required on a man’s part when he seeks to make a woman come, or to stimulate a woman to orgasm, because he has to know how to be sensitive to her level of arousal, and to “follow” her arousal as it dips and increases during sexual stimulation.

Finally, since most women do reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, it’s essential that a woman’s sexual partner is skilled in stimulating her clitoris in a way that is going to please her and make her reach orgasm.

Sexual Intercourse and Orgasm

The reality is that sexual intercourse alone does not make most women come. The simple reason for this is that the clitoris doesn’t receive the necessary level of stimulation.

Regardless of what you read or hear about G spot orgasms, or vaginal orgasms, the majority of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, although the intensity and pleasure of her orgasm might be increased if she has a penis or finger inside her vagina at the time she reaches orgasm.

But, much as you might not like to hear it, women don’t reach orgasm through thrusting during intercourse alone. Or rather, the vast majority of them do not reach orgasm this way. (The coital alignment technique may offer an exception to this.)

Figures vary, according to who you read, and what agenda they’re pushing, about how many women are able to reach orgasm through intercourse, but I think it’s fair to say that it’s around 10 to 15%.

Just to make it clear, we’re talking about sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation: lots of women can reach orgasm during intercourse if either they or their partner also stimulates the clitoris with either fingers or a vibrator, but enjoyable though that might be, it’s not the same thing as a man making a woman come with thrusting alone. 

So how can you bring a woman to orgasm, to make her come, reliably?

Well, the first thing is that you’re probably going to be looking for a technique which appeals to your particular partner.

Most women like oral sex – in fact, there are many surveys which demonstrate that women’s favourite sexual activity is oral pleasure with a trusted partner, but I think it requires quite a mature man to be able to take a woman from the beginning of her arousal to orgasm through oral stimulation alone.

Video – Can women come through intercourse alone?

For one thing, oral stimulation can be slightly uncomfortable if the woman is lying on the bed, and any discomfort a man experiences such as a cricked neck or pain in his back, is going to distract him from his focus on pleasuring his woman. Bringing her to orgasm requires attention, focus, and more than anything, a kind of mental state where you’re really focused on what you’re doing – giving your partner an orgasm – rather than thinking about distractions.

Some women prefer to reach orgasm in other ways: from frottage, the rubbing of bodies together, manual stimulation (masturbation), or using a vibrator – these are all high on the list of pleasurable sexual techniques that can give woman orgasmic satisfaction.

But the thing is, if you’re a man, you probably assume you should know how to make a woman reach orgasm without being told. Regrettably, that’s a common impression in our culture: something to do with the inherent cultural expectations put on men. The truth is that all women are different, in both major and minor ways, but they all have different expectations and requirements of their sexual partner.

So how are you going to know what your partner wants if you don’t ask her?

You can’t simply assume that because you knew how to make your previous woman come with a certain type of stimulation, your current girlfriend is going to respond in a similar way! Indeed, doing so is a recipe for disaster! As a sexual technique, this ranks somewhere alongside asking a woman “Have you come yet?” (i.e. it’s a very bad idea!)

How To Make Her Come – Quickly!

Whether or not you take a slow approach to lovemaking, with long foreplay leading to a delicious, leisurely climax for your woman, or master the art of giving her an orgasm in 15 minutes, you’ll certainly be her sexual hero!

The Art Of Quick Orgasm

And whether this falls within your experience or not, it can be done!

In fact, the Kinsey Institute has discovered that most women can orgasm after 20 minutes of sex. By the way, it’s also been demonstrated that a woman who can come easily and quickly wants more sex, more often. 

Since you’re the one who’s going to be making her come, think of it as “on-the-job” benefits!

So how can you achieve this desirable objective?

An expert seducer and lover knows that foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins outside the bedroom, and it takes many forms: the unexpected kiss, the love note in her underwear drawer, the SMS from work, taking her unexpectedly out for a treat, showing your love for her, making her feel cherished and special…. you know the drill, men, because this was the kind of thing you did when you were trying to woo her and win her in the first place. (Remember those happy days?)

15 Minutes of Teasing

Way back in the 50s, a group called The Dominoes released a song called Sixty Minute Man which became remarkable for two reasons – one, it was one of the founding songs of the rock ‘n’ roll genre; and two, it was way ahead of its time. As Wikipedia says:

The recording used Bill Brown’s bass voice, rather than McPhatter’s tenor, as the lead. It featured the singer’s boasts of his sexual prowess, of being able to satisfy his girls with fifteen minutes each of kissing, teasing, and squeezing, before his climactic fifteen minutes of “blowing [his] top”.
The chorus was specific:
There’ll be fifteen minutes of kissin’
Then you’ll holler “Please don’t stop” (Don’t stop!)
There’ll be fifteen minutes of teasin’
Fifteen minutes of squeezin’
And fifteen minutes of blowin’ my top.

For our purposes here, the important thing is the lesson this song teaches you about the importance of kissing.

Of course you don’t have 60 minutes, since you’re trying to bring your woman to orgasm in 15 minutes, so you can’t spend the entire 15 minutes kissing. However,  the truth is, the longer you spend kissing, the more likely she is to be turned on – and for that matter, so are you.

Good kissing really makes a woman melt in your arms, and not only that, it also builds trust and produces lots of oxytocin – all of which can make her come more quickly.

How to make a woman come in fifteen minutes
You can give her a quick orgasm if you know how.

Now, the other thing you need to know is that kissing isn’t just about the lips (although, as an excellent lover, I’m sure you know that already).

You can kiss her neck, without overdoing it so much that her skin becomes desensitized.

And you can gently remove her clothes as you kiss her, which will not only arouse her but make her feel good when she’s naked – especially if you compliment her on each part of her body as you undress her.

Women look for men’s approval in many areas, especially around their appearance, so by reducing her self-consciousness with these compliments, you can turn her on even more.

The last thing to come off, of course, is her underwear. That old technique of gently stroking her sensitive areas through the fabric, rather than going straight for her genitals will help build her anticipation even more.

In fact, the slower you take it, and the less time pressure you feel, the more relaxed she’ll be, and the more she’s going to enjoy what you’re doing to her.

Make Her Excited, Make Her Orgasm

Such techniques will get her excited and will make her more sensitive, and this will arouse her even more.

Please her by making her come
Excitement you give her will also arouse you – this makes for truly great pleasure and fulfilling lovemaking.

You surely know the parts of your woman’s anatomy which you can stimulate to make her come quickly – and you’ll probably know the techniques necessary to give your partner an orgasm.

By this stage she’s probably aching for you to touch her genitals, and as you might know one of the quickest and best ways to give a woman an orgasm is cunnilingus.

(In case you’re not aware of it already, moving your fingers in a circular movement, very slowly, just inside her vagina, will be tantalizing and extremely arousing for her.)

If she’s in the mood for a little oral pleasure and you’re willing to provide it (and let’s face it, which man isn’t?) you can pull her labia apart to expose her clitoris, then lift up her clitoral hood gently with a finger, and lick across the base of the clitoral glans, which you’ll find on the upper side of her clitoris.

Although it’s often said – with a great deal of truth – that most women can’t come from vaginal thrusting during intercourse, the truth is that if a woman’s sufficiently aroused, it’s possible you can make her orgasm this way…..

…..there’s a much better chance of her coming from your thrusting during intercourse if she’s aroused before you star, – especially true if you’re using the coital alignment technique.

coital alignment technique
The coital alignment technique is well worth mastering as a route to easy female orgasm during lovemaking

Admittedly, knowing how to take a woman to orgasm with the clitoral alignment technique takes practice, but it’s well worth mastering this artful form of orgasmic stimulation.

If you’re not capable of focusing on the coital alignment technique, then thrusting into her with your penis (though not too deeply), so that you stimulate her G spot, while you simultaneously stimulate her clitoris with a finger or a sex toy, is almost certain to bring her off.

Clearly, the right sex position is essential to making a woman come – in this case, the rear entry position offers you the option of stimulating her G spot as you make love to her at the same time as gently pleasuring her clitoris with your fingers.

Consistency is everything, as you might have noticed with a woman, so when she responds positively to your stimulation, maintain the same speed and pressure until she reaches orgasm. or until you bring her to orgasm.

Bringing a woman to orgasm like this is a great technique, because it provides mutual pleasure, ensures she is sexually aroused, and most likely gives her the urge to make love more often – not to mention that it increases the chance of her coming !