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How To Talk About Erection Problems

Women: you and he have to talk about his erection problem!

However, your partner is not likely to want to talk about the failure of his erection, much less answer questions on what treatment he intends to get.

To him, a problem with his erections – having erectile dysfunction – is a sign that he is less of a man, that his manhood has been taken away from him. You may have to start any discussion about the subject. And if you want to know if he’s doing something about it, you are definitely going to have to ask him directly – but in a gentle and caring way. 

But because this is such a sensitive subject for him, if you want to know what he’s doing about his erection problem, make sure you follow a few simple rules:

Choose the right time to talk about erectile problems

One way of making it more likely that your discussion leads to his a commitment to do something about his erection problem is to set aside a time for the discussion in advance.

You can increase your chances of success by telling him that you would like to discuss an important subject, and mention it is to do with your sex life.

Do not, under any circumstances, bring up the subject of his loss of erection during an argument or when he is stressed. Do not bring it up if you are not going to have time to complete the discussion. Do not bring it up after or during sexual activity.

The key is not to mention the subject when is feeling threatened, perhaps by a sexual failure. This will only make him more defensive – and that is likely to promote an argument. Best to wait until he is in a calm and more relaxed frame of mind, when his erectile dysfunction is playing less on his self-image.

Bear in mind, however, that your judgment about what is “the right moment” may in the end be more important than anything else. For example, suppose that you are in a new relationship and there are sexual problems right away – like he can’t get an erection. It would hardly be appropriate not to mention this, as it will have a major bearing on the intimacy and success of your relationship; at least, if sex is to play a normal part in that relationship.

And there are certain skills you need to employ as well: many men have told me that their partner has said something to do them like “Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter.” Well, not having a proper erection matters a huge amount to your man. To hear you say this may well give your man not only a sense of loss and anger at his erectile problems, but an additional sense that you have not heard really him and you’re not supporting him.

Video – women and erectile dysfunction

Of course ED (erectile dysfunction) matters – and no attempt to make him feel better by telling him that it doesn’t, even said from a place of love and care, is likely to open the lines of communication between you.

First and foremost you have to acknowledge his feelings, and show him that you have some sense of how he may be feeling: “I understand how hard this is for you”. That’s the kind of remark that is most likely to be helpful. But, believe me, it has to be said from a place of sincerity: if it is not, it is more likely to make him frustrated or disconnected than anything else.

In addition, you need to be sincere about how you’re feeling on the subject of his erection problems. If you’re disappointed or sad, or angry, let him know. When you convey your feelings, don’t attack him personally: just tell him how you feel. Here’s some advice.

Next, you need to move on past the support and understanding that is conveyed by such communication. Move on, that is, to the future actions that you and he can take, either together or separately, to help resolve his erection problems. By the way, if he has any other sexual dysfunction, such as delayed ejaculation, you may wish to read this book all about why men may not orgasm during intercourse. (The UK version of this book on delayed ejaculation can be founds here.)

The style of communication you use when you talk about erection problems is crucial to the success of your discussion. A direct, straightforward style of communication is most likely to be constructive in resolving problems. It is not helpful to keep quiet, to be stoical. Nor is it useful to avoid the subject through fear that you will be putting pressure on your partner. And it will certainly create more challenges if you get emotional about the subject and let this lead you to statements such as “You don’t love me anymore!” or “Are you having an affair?”

It is possible that his erectile dysfunction may be making a man extremely defensive, so he may not respond to your feelings with as much care and compassion as he normally would. In which case, rather than feeling hurt, angry or defensive, you might try to  stand in your power and state your case clearly and firmly. (If you haven’t read about the archetypal theory of personality, this might help. If you know something about standing in the energy of your Inner Queen, you may be able to access more power.)

You need to confront the problem of his erectile dysfunction directly. Don’t say “….but it doesn’t really matter if you don’t want to talk about it.” This is a matter for both of you, and you need to be assertive to make sure that you get what you want, which is your partner fully restored to sexual health and full erectile capacity.

This is of course all about letting your partner know that you care about him, and that you are willing to support him in his efforts to recover from his erectile problem. The skill of active listening is essential here.

This is about not just sitting there passively while your partner tells you what is going on for him! It is also about acknowledging by your responses and making interjections which show you are genuinely hearing what he is saying.

So tell him you love him, you want to hear his point of view, you want to support him, and you expect him to be supportive of you and work with you on restoring his normal sexual drive and ability.

Here are some clues that might help you identify what you are feeling:

  • rejected, angry (Is this something to do with me?),
  • depressed (I can’t cope with this),
  • sexually frustrated (when am I ever going to have intercourse with him again?),
  • anxious (will he ever be erect again?),
  • suspicious (is he having an affair?),
  • embarrassed (how can we ever talk about something so personal and so sensitive?)

Clearly it’s important that you reassure him that you are not blaming him, that you know it’s not his fault, and that you trust him to tell you if there is something you should know. (It is faintly possible that he is not getting erect with you because he doesn’t fancy you anymore. If he admits this, then your next step might be to arrange for some couples’ counseling as soon as possible.)

If you need to know what to ask him about his erectile dysfunction, here are some suggestions:

  • What do you feel about this?
  • How important is this to you?
  • And if you’re starting out in a relationship:
  • Is this a new problem?
  • Can I help you do something about it?
  • Have you always had the problem?
  • You know loads of guys have this problem, and it’s not that hard to do something about it?
  • Would you like to work on the problem with me?
  • Is there anything I can do to help?

The issue of erectile dysfunction is so large in a man’s mind that he may find it challenging to work on the problem with you straight away. If he feels some relief about the idea of sharing the problem with you, that’s great… but be prepared for any reaction, and try and be understanding.

Simply allowing a man to vent his feelings without responding to them other than acknowledging them is a great first step.

Then, you can turn your attention towards working out the source of his emotions. For example, is he scared that he’ll never be able to have sex again? Does he think he is less of a man?

His resistance to acknowledging, talking about, or even working on the problem may come from his sense that men should be self-reliant and solve all their own problems. But the truth is that if you can persuade him you are indeed his ally in the matter of his erectile dysfunction, he’ll feel considerable relief.

The way to deal with resistance is to talk. But it’s got to be a discussion that suits the man. You probably know better than anyone how to approach him so that he is amenable to discussing his erectile dysfunction. Even so, you need to be able to put yourself into his shoes: this is not the kind of chat you might have with your female buddies. To expect him to respond to that is unhelpful. For him, this could seem like a matter of life and death!

You need to respect his maleness, and that may mean many things: not being emotional, being factual, looking forward, not back, and above all, perhaps, not blaming or shaming him.

This is not his fault  – unless the relationship is really on the rocks, in which case the issues are rather deeper than his erectile dysfunction.

Things not to say with a man who has an erection problem!

Do not compare him with your previous lovers. This will always make things worse.

Do not encourage him during sex, or comment on his performance as you make love. This will just make him more anxious.

Never, ever, ever, be bitchy, mean or nasty about this: “You’re the only man who’s ever had this problem with me!” “Is that the best you can do?” And so on. Even if things like this are said in the heat of the moment, they are still destructive. Much better to say how you feel and and seek a way forward, or, if he has said something you do not like, tell him that you don’t like what he said and why you don’t like it.

There’s often a period of time required for a man to accept his erectile difficulties before he can bring himself to the realization that he needs to work on them. This is a typical grief reaction – in this case to the loss of his maleness and manhood and all that might signify for him. That could include youth, success, energy, desire, lust, his male sexuality even. Given time, most men adapt and begin to work on getting their erection back.

Finally, remember that it may not be so obvious to him that not having sex is upsetting you: he may not understand what his erection problem means to you unless you tell him.

The Importance Of Fantasy

Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies can be helpful in the midst of sex. For example, if you notice your arousal or erection flagging during erotic activity, conjuring up a favorite fantasy may make a difference. And imagining a sexual activity that you haven’t tried but think you might want to can give you a better sense of how you might go about that, and whether you really do want to do it.

Despite the fact that fantasizing about sex comes so naturally and easily to human beings, and despite the helpful purposes it can serve, sexual fantasies are not always as simple as we might wish. Part of the problem, for example, is that a common fear is that if you fantasize about having sex with a neighbor, say, you’ll actually do it.

Video Top 7 sexual fantasies

There is at least a grain of truth in this, for fantasy can serve as rehearsal for behavior. Imagining the same thing repeatedly may motivate you to try it out. But in most cases this isn’t much of a problem. Real-life obstacles and your own values help keep the fantasy where it belongs – in your head. To make the point again, there is no law against imagining forcing someone to have sex with you, and there are both men and women who enjoy this kind of fantasy. Doing it in reality, however, is another matter entirely.

There is also nothing wrong with fantasizing about protection-free, worry-free sex with strangers. In the real world, however, where sexual diseases are commonplace and where conception and bad feelings occur far more often than anyone would wish for, you ought to take the necessary precautions.

Sexual fantasies can also be helpful in determining what you might want in the real world. Perhaps there are some elements of your imagery that you would like acted out. Please don’t assume that this means you should act out everything in your fantasies. Use your common sense and consider whether this is something you’d really like to try and if you’re willing and able to go through with it. Having sex with your wife’s sister may make for a wonderful fantasy. The reality, however, could be quite costly.

Most men and adolescents have (and enjoy) erotic mental fantasy. It’s usual for boys and men to have fantasies when they masturbate. And from the studies that have been done, it’s typical for men and women to fantasize about sex at all sorts of times. But there are still many questions and doubts.

Some men readily accept that no matter how much they love and are turned on by their partner, they will continue to be turned on by and have fantasies about other women. But other men have trouble with this. It can help if they understand that being aroused by other women is typical for nearly all men. And sometimes, it goes even further than this: after the newness of a sexual relationship wears off, most of our sexual turn-ons may no longer come from our partner.

Yes, you may still get greatly aroused by her, particularly if she says or does a certain thing, but the chances are good that much of the passion you feel and that leads you to want sex with her is evoked by other women or situations.

Since it’s a fact of life that a great many of us get turned on by other people (and this is natural), there doesn’t seem to be any point getting upset about it. You can use the arousal generated by other women to have better sex lives with our long term partners.

What do we fantasize about?

As you might expect, men more frequently imagine sex with strangers, sex with more than one person, and forcing a woman to have sex with them. Women more frequently imagine romantic settings and being forced to have sex. 

There is an enormous range regarding the frequency of sexual fantasizing, just as there is an enormous range regarding the frequency of any sexual behavior. Some men have sexual fantasies many times each day, while others can go for weeks without one.

It seems that people for whom sex is a priority have lots of sexual thoughts and fantasies. As long as the fantasizing isn’t interfering with your relationship, your work, and the normal chores of life, it isn’t a problem.

Some couples find it very arousing to share fantasies. That is, the partners tell each other what they fantasize about, either when they’re actually having sex or at other times. These couples not only report increased excitement but also a feeling of greater closeness. As one man put it: “You might think it would make me jealous, hearing her fantasies about sex with other men. But it doesn’t. It makes for an incredible turn-on. It also makes for incredible love-making. I feel closer to her knowing that she trusts me enough to tell me these secrets, things she’s never told anyone else. Now I can also share some of my fantasies with her and that makes for even more closeness. I’ve never trusted any other woman that much.”

Even so, don’t rush off to tell your partner your latest fantasy. While the sharing of fantasies can be wonderful for some couples, it is not without risk. Some women are not comfortable with such matters. They may feel hurt, insulted, rejected, or jealous if you report imagining enjoying sex with someone else. There are also your own feelings to consider.  Would you really be comfortable hearing that your partner imagines sex with men more handsome, more muscular, with greater charm or more money or power than you? 

Realistically assess both your possible reactions and those of your partner before you conclude that sharing fantasies is a great idea. If you decide to go ahead, do it gradually. 

All in all, sexual fantasies are a natural, healthy, and pleasurable part of life. They’re free, readily available, and rarely have side effects that are troublesome. And since you will have them, com what may, it makes sense to make yours as useful and enjoyable as possible.

That said, if what you want to do makes your life difficult or sets you and your partner at odds, then there’s a problem, regardless of how typical your fantasy and subsequent actions may be. To take an analogy, the incidence of premature ejaculation among young men, for example, is so high that it could easily be considered normal or typical; we’re talking about millions of men here. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not a problem for these men or their partners.

Internet porn can be a problem. While some men find images of male power and sexual dominance arousing, they may become addicted to the cycle of arousal and the “reward” that ejaculation produces when masturbating to these images. Unfortunately they can also experience considerable self-disgust – but the compulsive nature of the male sexual urge makes such temptations hard to resist. It also enhances the facility which men have to objectify women.

There are several ways in which sex can be a problem. For example, if it’s driven or compulsive: Some men’s (and some women’s) sexual behavior is compulsive. That is, the man feels out of control; he has to fantasize about sex virtually all the time, has to masturbate or have sex with his partner twice each day, or has to have sex every time he can and doesn’t care who it’s with. This implies some level of addiction to sex. There’s no doubt that compulsive sexual behavior exists and is a source of great suffering for those so afflicted. The major problem for many of those men who feel their sexual behavior is compulsive or addictive is precisely that it gets in the way of getting on with the other important aspects of life.

Talking With Your Partner

The key to resolving difficulties is open discussion, honest self-disclosure, and intimate exchange of thoughts, feelings and fantasies by one partner to another. For example, if you’re having problems being open about how you want to make love, find some pleasant way of sharing this with your partner – a tasteful website, for example.

Another kind of difficulty that occurs in couples is when, for example, you always require a special something in order to get turned on. One woman whose live-in lover could rarely get sexually aroused unless she wore stiletto heels said: “It feels like he’s in love with the shoes, not with me. Given how he carries on about them, I think he should find a nice pair of shoes to marry.”

In one couple the man introduced bondage and dominance games early in their relationship. The woman didn’t mind, in fact thought them an interesting twist, but as time went on she got turned off completely when she realized the man couldn’t get aroused without these activities. She then felt that he was “sick and abnormal.”

Men who always use the same fantasy to get aroused (for example, the partner has to be twenty-five and has to have a certain build) may condition them to be aroused only by that type of partner. They may be unable to get aroused with anyone else. This, of course, can create serious problems in the real world.

Similarly, fantasies involving coercion are common among both men and women, but they can become troublesome if they are your only fantasy. You may be conditioning yourself to get aroused only when coercion is involved, and that will create havoc in a relationship. As long as you enjoy a variety of fantasies, there’s no problem.

There are often disagreements in relationships over preferences or conditions that almost no one would consider strange or abnormal. For example, you may feel most sexy in the mornings and prefer that time for lovemaking, but your partner may feel as strongly about evenings. Because of the conflicting preferences, you and your partner are going to have to work out an agreement.

It’s important to understand this point. Just because you and your partner don’t have the same preferences or don’t agree on when and how sex is to occur does not necessarily mean that anything is wrong with either of you. It usually means only that the two of you need to negotiate a reasonable solution to resolve your sexual preferences and differences.

Fantasizing can sometimes be bothersome in a relationship. For example, let’s say that during lovemaking you “trip out” on a fantasy, and although this increases your arousal and you’re having a great time, your partner feels alone and neglected.

She doesn’t know you’re fantasizing; she knows only that although you’re having sex with her, you don’t seem present. She may not voice her complaint. Instead, she may say that she has trouble getting aroused or maintaining the excitement, or has problems having orgasm. It may only be with further exploration that she can identify the feelings she is feeling.

And although it seems far more common for women to feel lonely and left out in sex, it happens for some men, too. The reason appears to be the same. A partner gets more involved with his or her fantasy than he or she is with you. Then, regardless of who feels left out, something needs to be done. It helps considerably if the one doing the fantasizing can admit it. There’s no need for apologies or feeling bad, just a need to see what’s going on and what could help.

Video: how to tell if you are sexually repressed

Another kind of problem that can arise in a relationship is when the woman gets upset about a man’s fantasies or erotic materials. Does his use of them indicate he no longer finds her attractive or desirable? In such situations, a good discussion about her concerns and his feelings is required.

Returning to where we started, with what’s normal and what’s not, my advice is to forget about the question as much as you can. Focus instead on how you feel about your sex life.

Some thoughts on male and female sexuality

Redefining sexuality

I’m thinking of some classic sexual stereotypes that both sexes unconsciously hold: for example, a man may say that he wants a sexually experienced woman. However, when he finds one, he can’t cope with her sexuality. Maybe he’s holding a belief system which says something like a sexually active woman, or a sexually experienced woman, is the “whore in the bedroom” archetype, and what he really wants in a woman who fulfills “the Madonna archetype“.

On a personal level, you might hold a belief system that says something like “all men have to satisfy their woman in bed”. (And that’s because “it’s a man’s duty to ‘give’ a woman an orgasm”.)

So it goes on: our lives are run by stereotypes which do nobody any good, and which reinforce what’s become classically known as the “double standard”.

This is very unfair on both men and women. The simple truth is that women are inherently sexual in a way that men can’t even begin to understand. Unless, that is, men are willing to let go of their fears and inhibitions around sexual activity with a woman and female sexuality itself.

I suspect one of the reasons that men seem to repress female sexuality so much is because they are in some way frightened of female sexuality. And in turn, that is because they know, deep down, that female sexuality is more powerful than male sexuality.

A woman is a deeply in touch with the erotic, generative power of the universe, that she needs a man who’s can help her find it. And it appears that men are scared of this: the lack of female sexual pleasure is a plague of our times.

It’s quite understandable really: when a man is with a very sexual woman, he’s going to wonder if he can please her. He’s going to wonder how he compares to her previous lovers. He’s going to wonder if his penis is big enough. And so it goes on. (If you want to know how you can bring a woman to orgasm without worrying about penis size, check this out.)

But the fact that a woman enjoys sex doesn’t mean she’s a whore or a slut. It means she’s a woman who enjoys sex. So, men, drop your concerns about women who are sexually experienced or enjoy sex. Stop seeing yourself through a veil of questions about your ability to satisfy her. Stop reading things into female sexuality. Get to know a woman as a person before you have sex. Develop trust, so that you have less reason to question the sexual background and experience of that woman, or, to put it more bluntly, to question her morality.

Video – the Madonna-Whore complex

One of the problems that arises from all of this, of course, is that many men are sexually insecure. They haven’t been taught how to be men who can please a woman both in bed and out of bed. They haven’t been taught how to be confident about the expression of their own sexuality, including saying “no” when it’s necessary for them.

Video – the sexual insecurity of men

So many women repress desires of all kinds, sexual and otherwise, because they’re scared about letting men see them, and the possible response. Those responses can include stonewalling, lack of communication, retreat “into the ‘man cave’“, denial, and and even possibly anger.

So why are men so insecure with women? Why are they intimidated by the combination of good girl and bad girl? There’s a lot of cultural stereotyping going on here, because sexual women are usually portrayed as “bad” women in some way. And “nice” girls are somehow seen as somehow not being sexual.

Yet at the same time, it seems perfectly acceptable for a man to have any amount of sexual experience. It boosts his standing amongst his mates, and it may even boost his standing amongst women, who suspect that he might be an alpha male to have had so many women.

Yet, really, all of this nonsense is based on the fact that men and women see each other through the filter of society’s expectations, and cultural stereotypes: they don’t see each other through qualities like equality, mutual understanding and respect.

Are men and women more similar than different, do you think? I believe that we are, in the sense that men and women mostly want the same things from a relationship: intimacy, tenderness, support, a feeling that we mean something to the other person in the relationship, and so on.

Yet we are conditioned by society, and maybe even by our genes, to believe that we have to behave in a certain way, that we are entitled to certain things in the other sex partner.

It’s actually difficult to come to understand another person better. All that’s required is good communication in an effort to understand exactly what a person is thinking and feeling, and perhaps even more simply, to understand the world from their point of view.

Take orgasms for example.

Female sexuality may appear to be incredibly complicated to many men, but the truth is we all want the same thing: sexual pleasure and emotional satisfaction along with it. So consider a man who is having sex with a woman and then asks “Did you come, dear?”

What is she going to say in response to that if she’s feeling at all protective of his ego and excitement? (“Of course I did!” or “It was great, thanks!”) And more to the point, how come he does not actually know whether she’s had an orgasm or not?

Once again, we seem to be facing a problem that centers on a lack of open and honest communication. And maybe also on the men’s partly a lack of sensitivity, because it isn’t actually very difficult to know if woman has reached orgasm. 

When it comes to sex, the goal for many men becomes the woman’s orgasm. Yet the best way to achieve sexual pleasure with a woman is to slow down, think about what she needs on the way, and give her the sensitivity and tenderness that she craves.

So, during sex, are you focused on giving a woman satisfaction (an orgasm), or are you focused on being with her in the experience and sharing pleasure?

It’s a widespread male assumption that a woman will actually only enjoy sex if she comes, but the truth is that there are many ways for woman to enjoy sex, most of which have nothing to do with reaching orgasm.

Sex isn’t just about the man’s pleasure. And so, if your are finding that sex without female orgasm is unsatisfying  to you, there is need for some self-examination. You may wish to establish exactly what makes you think that your woman “should” reach orgasm every time you make love.

Of course one of the difficulties here might be the fact that men have certain expectations around sex: very few men would expect to enjoy lovemaking without reaching orgasm, so it may be that they assume the same is true for a woman. Again, this shows that we need to communicate better about our sexual needs and desires and experiences. We need to stop second guessing what our partners are thinking, feeling and wanting. Instead, we need to talk openly with them about all these things. 

The reality and the fantasy

If you actually ask a woman what she needs from lovemaking, you’ll soon find your illusions shattered. For example, did you know that many women have been given a “good girl program”? This makes them believe that their primary aim needs to be giving men what they  think men want. (And that might even include the female orgasm, even if it has to be faked!) This is a very sad state of affairs.

Faking an orgasm is a road to nowhere, because at some point a woman will be pissed that she is still not having orgasms, but can’t admit faking them because her deception has been going on too long.

What makes this worse is that many women are not easily orgasmic; some don’t even know what an orgasm even feels like.

A factor in this is that many women discover their true sexual nature much later than men. Many expect that a relationship with a man will provide a way of accessing their own sexuality and achieving sexual pleasure.

This means that the solution to the male-female disparity in sexual pleasure is not based solely in good communication between men and women. In addition, women need to take responsibility for learning about their own sexuality and how best to achieve and enjoy their own orgasms.

A good starting point here is for a man to put more energy into making a woman feel loved, cherished, and good about herself, rather than focussing on his desire to “give her an orgasm”! 

Female Ejaculation 3

How To Give Oral Pleasure To A Woman

The first thing is to make your woman feel relaxed about what you’re doing. In other words she’s got to believe you’re enjoying it, so any squeamishness on your part is definitely something you need to deal with before you begin to enjoy oral pleasure together.

Assuming you’ve got this out of the way, keep in mind that it’s not just about plunging your tongue straight into a woman’s pussy with your lips on her vulva! It’s about arousing her first with cuddles and caresses and intimacy. Only when you’ve actually done this can you begin to get her aroused more directly by approaching her clitoris and vulva.

Having said that, there’s nothing really to worry about. Almost any oral pleasure a woman receives is going to actually give her wonderful sensations and very probably help her enjoy orgasms, though maybe not squirting orgasms.

Needless to say, you should both be in a comfortable position, and the man shouldn’t experience any kind of backache or strain. You need to to find a position where you can relax. Despite the fact that  most women find oral pleasure arousing, it may take a while to bring her to orgasm!

Naturally it’s going to be helpful for the woman to tell her man when when he’s doing something that she likes, and it’s necessary also to give him feedback to ensure that he knows what he’s doing.

As far as you, the man, are concerned, simplicity is the best approach. Listen to her, watch her body language, and do more of what makes her feel good. (You’ll know because she’ll give plenty of signs that she’s enjoying herself!)

Oral sex and squirting / female ejaculation

Oral sex is a great way of giving a woman an orgasm – if not squirting orgasms. But, if you have a close emotional relationship with her, you may still find that the intimacy and closeness of oral sex results in her producing Amrita at the moment of orgasm. This si true female ejaculation. 

It is rather different from the production of female ejaculatory fluid which sometimes emerges as a “squirting orgasm”. These are so-named because the fluid is sometimes expelled with great force as the woman reaches climax.

However, great sex and good relationships are not just about pleasuring a woman with oral sex. They are about much more than that. As far as the man is concerned, they’re essentially about the display of a true, profoundly respectful & mature state of masculinity that a woman can respect and which makes her feel safe.

Being able to pleasure a woman is certainly one aspect of the mature masculine, but then so is being certain of what you’re doing with your own life. Being able to take control of your life, and to direct it so that you’re satisfied and happy with the way things are going is a very powerful and wonderful experience. If the idea of being in control of your own life in this way appeals to you, check out the information on male archetypes hereespecially the King archetype.

What Do Women Really Want During Sex?

I want you to think for a moment what you’d feel like if you could take your woman to orgasm every every time you have sex. And think how she would feel if these orgasms were the most intense and exciting she’s ever had!

Even better, your relationship would improve dramatically as well, because the benefits of great sex always flow into every aspect of your life, inside and outside the bedroom.

Some things are simple: women want emotional closeness, intimate connection and orgasms.  And good sex. The kind of sex which shows a woman you care about her, and of course it also means plenty of orgasms! This, simple though it sounds, really does makes a woman happy and contented.

So if you want to keep your relationship buzzing, have lots of great sex, and enjoy being with a contented partner, the best thing to do right now is to find out how to make a woman come easily and quickly – and then use those skills every time you have sex. You can see the program I recommend to help you become a truly wonderful partner for your woman in the right hand column of this page.

Could Your Partner Ever Be Sexually Unfaithful?

Most men think the answer to this question is “no”. But the truth is that women often get tired of poor sex and they do not like the lack of concern for their sexual pleasure which is shown by a man who can’t be bothered to help them reach orgasm.

Your partner expects to reach orgasm with you, and she wants to be confident enough to make her come whenever she wants.  come with squirting orgasms! Now, you might be thinking, what’s in this for me? And I understand that. Sex is – or should be – definitely a two way thing. But here’s the point: when you take the time and trouble to satisfy your partner, when you know how to make her come in a way she loves, then she’ll be very happy to give you the best sex you’ve ever had. In fact, she’ll be really eager to please you in bed…… over and over again.

And, as you may already know, there are few things in life more pleasurable than making love to a woman who’s just had an orgasm, and is wet, warm, willing, and very receptive to you being inside her.

This is sex at its best. It’s WIN-WIN for you both: you bring her to orgasm (maybe a squirting orgasm), before you enter her, then you can penetrate her and enjoy lovemaking until you come inside her, her body arching around you, her body throbbing and gripping your penis as you reach the peak of orgasmic pleasure.

The recently discovered techniques which make this possible – even easy – are available on this website right here, right now. They work for everyone, of all ages, no matter how much or how little sexual experience you have! 

Two types of orgasm – clitoral and vaginal (or G spot).

Do you know which your partner prefers, and how to give her one or the other? Just think how impressed your partner will be with your sexual knowledge and skills if you can make her come by stimulating her G spot – one of the most fun, sexiest things to do with her.

She might even ejaculate! There’s nothing like a woman gushing or squirting at the moment of orgasm to add excitement to your love life. But you need to know just how to stimulate her – and how to watch her body, which will tell you what to do and when to do it – but only if you can recognize the clues it’s giving you.

She might want to enjoy multiple orgasms too, so you’d better come prepared, knowing how to give her exactly what she wants!  While multiples aren’t exactly essential for great sex, they can be intensely pleasurable… As I said before, intercourse just won’t make most women come, at least not without a few additional tricks to arouse them.

So, when you’ve picked up my tips and tricks, you can look forward to enjoying her orgasms during intercourse – and maybe even having simultaneous orgasms, perhaps the best sexual experience you can have with a woman.

Discover The Simplest, Quickest and Easiest Way To Give Your Partner A Squirting Orgasm!

Click Here To Find Out How To Do It!

(Warning: this free video all about G spot stimulation is NSFW and loud)

For most couples, good sex is the foundation of their relationship. If your sex life isn’t up to much, your relationship probably won’t be working too well either. Of course, the more you know about sexual skills, positions and techniques, the easier it’ll be for you to give a woman an orgasm.


Female Ejaculation 2

The Next Story Of A Squirter

We move onto another account of female ejaculation by a 22-year-old woman who’d been on a couple of dates with an adorable man who was “very sexually attractive” to her. After a few dates they were getting sexually intimate, and the second time they had sex she had a squirting orgasm and suddenly ejaculated.

How did it go? She could feel his fingers moving inside of her, although she “didn’t know what he was doing in there” – but whatever it was, he was certainly successful. She “felt a huge surge of fluid building up” which then poured out and went everywhere, with her reaching orgasm seconds after the ejaculation.

She hadn’t experienced this before, and she sat up in confusion – looking at the bedsheets, soaked with fluid, convinced that she’d urinated. As she said, however,  the fluid didn’t have any characteristics of urine. However,  nor was it the fluid that she recognized as coming out from her vagina when she was really turned on.

But without even needing to understand what the fluid was, she said she was in awe of her squirting orgasms, caused, she thinks, by “the angle and size of his fingers”. 

There are plenty of stories about squirting orgasms which resemble this on the website – the question is, do they mean anything? I think they do, because they are consistent and (assuming they aren’t written by men fantasizing about what women might do during a squirting orgasm), some of them have a certain level of authenticity.

For example, here’s a description of how a woman woke up one day with her boyfriend feeling horny, and they started trying sex in different positions. She said she was “on fire, living in the moment, not thinking about anything but pleasure”. Somehow she knew or felt instinctively that she was going to go to a place she’d never been before – then she started feeling that special spot inside vagina – it was her G spot being stimulated.

In the past, she says, all her orgasms had come from clitoral stimulation, but this she knew this was different as soon as she began to feel it. This sensation was so powerful in fact that she pulled herself away from his penis, and as she did so, she felt a liquid squirting from her vagina.

You might have seen videos of female ejaculation on the Internet where the woman shakes uncontrollably as she has an orgasm and ejaculates.

And indeed this woman reports the exact same thing – shaking and squirting. The interesting thing is that she says it didn’t feel like she was urinating. And indeed, she wasn’t.

So what happened next? Well, she started to analyse the experience and realized that she’d helped herself to enjoy squirting orgasms by “letting go” (of inhibitions), and by “fully diving into the sensation”.

What’s more, she let go of fear, shame and worry about what was happening, and simply allowed herself to feel the love, the passion and the sensations of the moment.

Another account describes how a man suggested to a woman that her problem with sex was lack of orgasm. They weren’t having much sex, and she wasn’t having many orgasms, although she was able to bring herself off using an Hitachi magic wand.

Sure, she says, she’d heard of the phenomenon of female ejaculation, and even seen the videos of squirting orgasms. (You know the ones – gushing liquid pouring out from between a screaming girl’s legs.)

As she says, these movies certainly looked interesting, but ejaculation, gushing or squirting was a completely foreign concept to her. At the time she wasn’t even having regular orgasms.

And then things changed. She met a man. And even though he wasn’t very attractive physically, she found the chemistry between them to be electric. Indeed, it was “f*cking magical”.

During their first sexual encounter, she had eight orgasms. Her body loved him from the start. She was astonished and speechless, her body was revealing her ability to have orgasms, and it did things she’s never expected or experienced before – including squirting.

In fact, she squirted copiously. Curious, she tasted the liquid, which was clear, colourless, odourless, and a little sweet. Yes, as all the experts tell us – definitely not pee.

Later, this man, who had prompted her body to experience female ejaculation, became her boyfriend and helped her to explore the phenomenon of squirting orgasms in different ways. 

This is the Amrita of which the Tantric therapists and practitioners have known for long time – Amrita meaning divine nectar.

And, oddly enough, she relates the story of her visit to a gynecologist, who offered no explanation about what was happening except to observe that “once you become squirter, you’re always a squirter”. Oh…..

Our intrepid journalist also tells us that she now empties her bladder before sex to be sure she’s not urinating.

Yet the amount of fluid ejaculated can be rather shocking. It is, she says, all about bearing down when “the sensation” comes instead of clenching up. And, she adds, a woman needs to feel safe with her partner and completely relaxed with him (or I guess, her) – because this is a process which involves letting go and being vulnerable.

Video – Squirting

Oral Sex: How To Make A Girl Squirt

What we call “giving head” is a term used for pleasuring your partner – that means bringing her to orgasm – using your lips, tongue and mouth on the genitals – specifically on her clitoris and vaginal opening.

How to enjoy giving head

Naturally enough, when you try this you will find both of you enjoy the experience, because it’s natural for men to be aroused by oral sex, and it’s possibly easier for women to reach orgasm.

You see, unlike men, women can (and do) go on and have more sexual pleasure after they’ve reached orgasm – and their descent from the heights of orgasm to normal levels of arousal can be quite slow.

Hygiene Is Important

So when a man is good at pleasuring a woman orally, he may find that she wants to have intercourse with him after he’s brought her to orgasm. Either way, this is a very intimate experience that can bond a couple and bring them much closer together. However for many men – and indeed a lot of women – one of the problems here is that there is a perception that female genitals can be offensively smelly or taste and pleasant.

The truth of the matter is different – this is simply not the case: it’s only when the genitals aren’t clean that they can smell  a little unpleasant. So take a quick shower together before sexual activity, and that can make the whole experience very pleasurable for both parties. Then the woman can relax, not worrying about whether she’s clean or not, and the man can enjoy licking her in this most intimate of all places.

Many men will find that this oral pleasure – oral sex or cunnilingus – is very arousing.

Indeed, people have said that it’s actually quite normal for a man to reach orgasm when he’s giving a woman oral pleasure. And many men feel very attuned to the sexual arousal of your partner as they pleasure a woman in this way.  And, surprisingly, it is possible for man to reach orgasm – simply through the arousal that he experiences as he is licking his partner’s vulva. She, too, becomes more and more aroused. That’s because her arousal will tend to follow his, and vice versa. It’s positive feedback! However, good sex isn’t just about oral sex – the real point about this is that it’s a good prelude to intercourse for both men and women like.

For most men, the importance of this approach is that you can bring a woman to orgasm easily.  She will then be ready for and maybe eager to enjoy intercourse, which will allow you your release. This means there is no danger of her going unsatisfied, that is to say, not having an orgasm, if you ejaculate too quickly.

Continued here.

Female Ejaculation

Female ejaculation & female orgasmic pleasure

The nature of female orgasm problems has changed as times have gone by. In the early days of sexual therapy, the major issue was  often not having an orgasm at all. Sometimes, though, it was about “having the right kind of orgasm” — as defined by Freud, that is to say — i.e. vaginal versus clitoral. (A debate which still rages….)

Nowadays it might be more accurate to say that the issues have moved away from anorgasmia to interest in female ejaculation during orgasm. 

Female Ejaculation

Even now, however, the triggers for orgasm are not fully understood, and neither are the reasons why some women find it very easy to have an orgasm and others find it difficult, or even impossible.

When it gets to squirting orgasms, the issues are even more complicated. Here’s what Cosmo says:

My best friend regularly obsesses about her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, who was a “squirter,” and therefore the real-life incarnate of many men’s fantasy partner. Porn has encouraged men to believe that when they’ve truly rocked a woman’s body, it starts doing an impression of the Bellagio Fountain in the second-to-last scene of Ocean’s Eleven.

The average woman, myself included, doesn’t know whether squirting is real or fake beyond your standard urban legends. Such as, “Ashley’s friend’s ex’s friend’s aunt’s babysitter’s college roommate squirts,” which does not count. So… I sleuthed with the help of a number of experts in order to solve the mystery. Ian Kerner, sexual health expert and The New York Times best selling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pleasuring a Woman, says that involuntary squirting is the Loch Ness Monster of sex. In other words, an unverifiable legend.

One of the reasons for this confusion is undoubtedly the fact that in most cases there is a very large number of factors contributing to a woman’s psychological and physical ability to orgasm, and indeed  orgasmic ejaculation. These can include both anatomical factors and the sociocultural environment in which a woman was brought up and the one in which she currently lives.

And in addition, don’t forget the interpersonal issues around her relationship with her partner, and even the impact of drugs being taken for other medical conditions.

Sp where do we go from here?

The first thing is well, why might a woman want to learn how to ejaculate at the moment of orgasm? This link is perhaps one answer to the need for a deep orgasms in a woman’s sex life.

The Nature Of Orgasm

When you consider many women don’t have a sense of ownership over their bodies, and that their main focus during sex is to please their partner, the potential complexity of this issue becomes clear.

Let’s start by looking at the nature of orgasm.  (You can see information about the sexual response cycle here.) We know that physiologically, the entire body is involved in the female orgasm. There are between 5 and 30 rhythmic contractions in the uterus, the vagina, and the rectal sphincter, depending on the intensity of the experience.

But in addition, the muscles of the face, the abdomen, and other parts of the body may contract or spasm; and there are other physiological changes such as flushing of the skin and sweating.

Controversy still exists about the relative importance of the vagina, cervix, uterus and clitoris in promoting orgasm, which seems to be another factor why it’s difficult to define particular types of orgasm.

Women – why learn how to ejaculate at orgasm?

Orgasm problems – i.e the lack of orgasm – are the most common sexually reported problem in women. Studies have reported that  orgasm problems affect around 10% of all women. This is a very significant proportion of the female population who appear to be having difficulty in this respect. So let’s move on….

Primary and secondary anorgasmia in women

Primary anorgasmia means a woman has never had an orgasm, while secondary anorgasmia means that a woman has trouble reaching an orgasm in some circumstances . In other words,  orgasms may be infrequent, or they may occur only under certain specific conditions.

In this context it’s important to recall that very few women actually have an orgasm during intercourse due to male thrusting alone. Although statistics on this vary, maybe no more than 15% of the female population regularly achieves orgasm during intercourse. 

Read more from Deborah Sundahl on this:  

Body fluids are natural and even provocative… [in Tantric traditions] female ejaculate is considered a prize health tonic when rubbed into the body or drunk, invigorating and uplifting her male partner.

Who’s Squirting?

Of course, not all women are interested in ejaculating or “squirting” at the moment of orgasm. Yet the truth is that many people have been fascinated by squirting orgasms since they have been popularised on the internet. But where does the “gush” come from? What makes this liquid explode in a fountain? And what is it?

A team of French researchers which concluded that most of the liquid that comes out of the urethra when a woman “squirts” at the moment of orgasm is urine. Needless to say, other researchers who think the quality of this study was low, and sexuality activists who proclaim that the independent spirit of the female body lives on in the act of ejaculation, don’t agree! And, as you would expect, women who ejaculate also have a lot to say about the matter.

One view is that scientific studies are the product of the way in which the female body has been medicalized, and their own experience of sexuality denied. All of which may well be true.

So. There’s a long history of misinformation, confusion, and totally biased coverage of female ejaculation. For example, different studies have demonstrated that both 10% and 70% of women can ejaculate: you’d be right to think this is absurd. It seems that scientific studies are not telling us a great deal about female ejaculation, let alone how a woman can learn to squirt!

Video – Female Ejaculation!

Fortunately one intrepid authoress has investigated this very subject, and I’m going to report what she discovered. To start with, she makes the point that scientists and sex bloggers all agree that female ejaculation, aka squirting orgasms, is caused by G spot stimulation.  Some people claim that this is kind of prostatic fluid secreted by the Skenes glands, analogous to the prostate tissue in men, which are indeed located in this area and open into the female urethra.

Other people have a more down-to-earth or pragmatic view – they think that a woman is basically urinating when she ejaculates. However as the above video suggests, dramatic ejaculation we call “squirting” may just be forceful expulsion of something similar to urine.

Sure. Yet people obsess about the detail and want to understand it. Yet you never see an article headed something like “Five fabulous tips to make any woman feel really amazing when she comes.” Instead, you see things like “Five fabulous tips to make any woman squirt easily”.

Could it be that the excitement men feel around squirting is more about their satisfaction and pleasure than the woman’s?

The Art Of Female Sexual Pleasure

It’s good to come across a website called the squirt project (which, as you can imagine, leaves nothing to the imagination) all about documenting individual women’s stories of squirting orgasms. The author says: “I found there to be a general lack of concrete information on the subject and a disproportionate amount of faked or exploitative situations featuring so-called squirting.”

Video – Female Ejaculation & Squirting Orgasms

This is a great project, because it’s designed to increase understanding, acceptance, and knowledge of female ejaculation.

Take the first story on the blog.

This is a woman submitted in February 2016 by a woman who says that she squirted for the first time when she was having sex with her casual sex partner (her f*ck buddy).

Here’s her story: he had a thick penis, and it felt amazing, tight and big in her vagina. She was extremely turned on, and very wet. And while he was having sex with her, he was stimulating her nipples, which were extremely sensitive.

This woman says she reached orgasm many times during intercourse. She had several orgasms, but was still turned on when her boyfriend left, and she wanted to “take care of herself” further. Enter the magic wand, a  double-ended stainless steel dildo, with which she masturbated. Previously – not much feeling. This time – she put it into her vagina, and it felt amazing.

She felt it rubbing against her G spot, and then came the sensation many women report when their G spot is stimulated – something like feeling the need to urinate. However, she knew enough to guess that this was more about female ejaculation than peeing, so she continued rubbing her G spot. She was feeling the fluid building up, and then suddenly experienced the release of fluid, even though she didn’t reach orgasm.

This is something a lot of women report – that they can actually release fluid without reaching orgasm.

This post continues here.

The Female Orgasm

If you’ve been wondering why you can’t achieve orgasm during intercourse (or get your female partner off by making love to her if you’re a man), it’s probably very helpful to know that most women do not have an orgasm during intercourse.

In fact, it’s actually normal for a woman not to achieve orgasm during sexual intercourse (although it’s quite normal to want to do so!)

And this explains, at least partly, why so many women masturbate – it’s presumably one of the major ways in which they enjoy orgasm. They certainly don’t have many orgasms during sex!

When asked if they masturbated, women responded as follows:

82% of women said they masturbate
15% of women said they do not masturbate
3% of women didn’t reply

Of the women who said they masturbated:

66.0% reached orgasm “always”
29.3% reached orgasm “sometimes”
3.0% reached orgasm “occasionally”
and just a few reached orgasm “rarely”

There are several reasons why women have trouble achieving orgasm during sexual intercourse.

The first of these, at least in many women’s minds, is that most men simply cannot thrust in the vagina for long enough to bring a woman to orgasm. Premature ejaculation has been described as the scourge of sexual pleasure – for both men and women – in our time.

And while that might be an overstatement, it certainly has a lot of truth in it.

We know, for example, that over 75% of men cannot last longer than two minutes from penetration to ejaculation. Of course dealing with men’s premature ejaculation is a whole subject in itself. (See this on control of premature ejaculation.)

Sexual medicine – intimacy and sexual health concerns

And if you’re a woman who wants to achieve orgasm during intercourse, you may believe that one of the reasons you do not do so is that your man cannot last each for long enough in bed to provide enough vaginal stimulation for you to experience an orgasm.

Of course it is important for men to take responsibility for not only their own sexual pleasure but also for their partners’ sexual pleasure (at least if it’s true that their partners’ sexual pleasure depends on their ability to make love for longer than two minutes at a time).

The question is, of course, would longer thrusting really make any difference to a woman’s capacity to reach orgasm?

We can get a clue to the answer by looking at the percentage of women who achieve orgasm when they are with men who are able to thrust for at least 15 minutes before they ejaculate.

The remarkable thing is that even among this group of women, who at first might seem to be very fortunate, the frequency of orgasm during intercourse is actually still very low. In fact, it turns out to be just as low as it is in any other group of women.

In a survey by, the question “If your partner can last for fifteen minutes or more before he ejaculates during intercourse, do you achieve orgasm through penile thrusting alone?” produced the following answers:

  • 10% of women said that they “always” came during sex with their partner
  • 20% of women said that they “sometimes” came during sex with their partner
  • 70% of women said they “rarely” or “never” came during sex with their partner

So, this brings us to the second reason why women have trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse. 

The simple fact is that most women rely on clitoral stimulation, if not entirely, at least primarily, to reach orgasm. You’ve probably noticed that during sexual intercourse there are very few sex positions that will stimulate the clitoris in a way likely to help a woman achieve orgasm during intercourse.

And even the much vaunted coital alignment technique (see more here) seems so complicated that most couples give up with it long before they achieve success.

Given these difficulties, it hardly seems surprising that many women have a low expectation of orgasmic pleasure during intercourse.

The third factor, with which most of you will already be familiar, is the simple and undeniable difference between men and women’s sexual arousal: men are quicker to arouse, quicker to reach orgasm, and quicker to lose their arousal after sex than women.

The hard reality is that while men can be fully aroused in a minute or two, most women, most of the time, require twenty minutes or even more of gentle foreplay before they feel aroused enough to really desire and want sexual contact.

The problem, however, goes deeper than this, for the vast majority of men lose interest in sex once they have ejaculated.

This means that if the first part of sex is devoted to the man’s pleasure, the inevitable result is that the woman is likely to be unsatisfied, left hanging without an orgasm, frustrated and probably rather resentful, whilst her man slumbers peacefully next to her.

The first part of sex becomes the final part of sex. There is no second part, the part which should be devoted to the woman’s pleasure.

Of course, what we are describing here is the conventional view of the incompatibility of men and women’s sexual desire. The good news, however, is that there is a solution: the man brings the woman to orgasm with oral pleasure before he enters her to make love.

But, most importantly, the primary objective of all sexual relationships is that when a woman wants an orgasm she should be able to achieve one.

And at the same time, the man should be fully satisfied as well.  And although his “performance” or skill as a lover does not depend on giving his partner an orgasm during sex or masturbation, most men like to do this, and feel proud when they have done so (as well as finding it highly arousing).

Unlimited Sexual Pleasure


Most of us like sex – it’s an essential part of everyday life, and indeed, necessary for good mental and emotional health.

You could say a sexual relationship is a fundamental aspect of human existence. A simple statement to make, but as we all know, while we crave being in a relationship, because a relationship meets our needs, sexual relationships can be anything but simple!

A sexual relaitonship can be anything but simple!
A sexual relationship can be anything but simple!

You may already have discovered in your life that sometimes being in a relationship can be very traumatic for all kinds of reasons….

So in this particular post I want to emphasize one aspect which is greatly underrated as a feature of relationships, but can be particularly important for both men and women who have inhibitions about sex: the benefit of developing sexual skills to a higher level as a way of increasing intimacy.

In short, learning sexual skills like squirting – also known as female ejaculation – can transform a relationship into something very new and exciting.

Video – How To Squirt

I need hardly say that for most male sexual partners, any kind of female squirting orgasm or ejaculation is going to be highly arousing and exciting. And while a woman shouldn’t be basing her sexual pleasure on what her man wants, it can be great for her orgasmic pleasure too! (Watch the videos above to find out why!)

Some experts believe all women can ejaculate, and when no ejaculate appears to be produced, they suggest it is because women who are inhibited clench up so they have retrograde ejaculation.

Sexual Skills and Relationships

Yet another benefit of studying advanced sexual skills like squirting comes when people take the initiative to develop their sexual technique…. it requires good communication and intimacy. Anything which enhances intimacy is a benefit for both partners.

A lot of people are sexually inhibited. As a shadow work practitioner, I always look for emotional wounds to the inner child when somebody is sexually inhibited – or addicted, for that matter.

Fear of sex and addiction to sex both indicate wounds in the Lover Archetype, aka the inner child. Also, people who display a lack of self sexual boundaries are usually deeply wounded in the inner child.

Yet the paradox is that learning about techniques like squirting and multiple orgasm can really help people get over their sexual issues.

From a practical point of view of course it’s also difficult for a couple to enjoy a true sexual relationship – or at least, a truly happy sexual relationship when one partner is wounded in some way.

Learning To Squirt Is Fun

The truth of the matter is that not enjoying sex to the full is an act of self-neglect, since regular good sex has health benefits. It can help you avoid heart disease, high blood pressure and a number of other problems, most of which are going to shorten your life unless you do something about them.

So you could commit to doing something differently that would help you to establish a better sex life – it might be as simple as committing to try one new sexual technique a month.

You may not think this is very significant (or you may think it isn’t very easy), but it is a gesture which says “I care about myself, and I’m going to do something about my fun and happiness!”

At the same time, if you’re in a sexual relationship with a partner, it says something like “I care about you and I want you to be sexually happy and fulfilled”, and actually you ARE going to make yourself more attractive to them!

Men and women who are prepared to address their emotional wounds, get their sex lives under control, and work out why they have sexual issues can gain not only greater physical fitness but also greater emotional health, greater happiness, and a much better relationship by doing so.

It’s for this reason that I highly recommend a highly recommended program by G spot and squirting orgasm expert (a heck of a job description!) Jason Julius. By all accounts appears to be extremely successful. Check it out here.

Women And Orgasm – The Pleasure Of Ejaculation

One of the more interesting articles on female ejaculation, or squirting orgasms, has been published in the Guardian, under the headline “The debate about squirting is actually about whether or not women can be trusted to accurately report their own sexual experiences.”

And that does reflect a fundamental truth about female ejaculation: scientific investigators seem to start from a position where they are trying to disprove its existence.

It’s almost as though there’s something doubtful about the very existence of squirting orgasms, and women can’t be trusted to relate what they’re experiencing.

Male and Female Ejaculation

There are certainly some reasons why that female ejaculation is harder to accept. For one thing, female ejaculation is less noticeable than male ejaculation. In fact, it’s probably recognizable in many cases only to the woman who is experiencing it, and unlike male ejaculation, the evidence of it having happened may not necessarily be very clear.

But when you dig down a little bit further into the phenomenon of squirting orgasms, it’s also true that a denial of female  sexual pleasure is a theme which has run through a widespread patriarchal attitude towards female sexuality for many centuries.

So can we now separate the reality of squirting orgasms and female ejaculation from what men fantasize about, would like to believe is true, and also seem to try and deny?

Well, surely what women say about their sexual experiences serves as evidence of the existence of female ejaculation?

True, but what makes this slightly harder is the fact many women themselves deny the reality of female ejaculation. However, there are significantly more women who have discovered it and know it to be a genuine phenomenon, part of their sexual experience.

Another problem is that almost every conversation on the subject of female ejaculation finally ends up debating the question of whether or not it’s a real phenomenon.

And there’s a whole genre of pornography centered on squirting orgasms. This is not doing us any favours in our attempts to establish what is true and what is not true.

What we do know, however is that there a scientific study conducted by French gynaecologists seems to demonstrate that female ejaculation comes in two forms.

There’s the emission of some kind of pseudo-prostatic fluid from the female Skene’s glands (which resemble male prostate tissue). And second, there’s the expulsion of fluid from the bladder. This is the much more common form of “squirting” which is seen on Internet pornography and erotica.

Regrettably, many people who deny the reality of female ejaculation were delighted to have “evidence” that women were mistaken in thinking female ejaculation was a genuine form of sexual expression.

What a mistake! How could you not have realized, they say, that squirting orgasms are merely arousal-induced urinary incontinence?

Underlying all of this is the assumption that women can’t understand, or can’t describe, what they’re experiencing during sex.

Yet when a woman has ejaculated during sex, she has experienced a unique sensation of sexual arousal, and a unique symptom of orgasmic release.

Every woman who’s ejaculated will know that the fluid they release during squirting orgasms is different to urine.

Also, female ejaculation, squirting, or gushing, call it what you may, feels different from the act of urination. And, let’s remember, the evidence is that the liquid released when a woman comes is fundamentally different to her pee.

And there’s a deeper aspect to all of this, as well: the fact that the physical experience of female ejaculation is simply an expression of female sexual pleasure in its purest form.

Some people insist that female ejaculation is simply urination (or something vaguely similar). But this is a denigration of women’s experience of their own bodies and women’s ability to understand their own sexuality. It also conveys a sense that female sexuality is somehow “dirty” or “less pure” than the male orgasm.

Sure, this is a feminist position. And no wonder! The fact is, the politics of female ejaculation go far beyond the ability of an individual woman to experience sexual pleasure during ejaculation.

In both Britain and Australia scenes of female ejaculation have been “banned” in erotica, on the grounds that all the women are doing is urinating.

(How extraordinary that such material should be banned even if that were true. But that, of course, is another issue.)

Bearing in mind that most women who have female-ejaculated declaim that urination has no part to play in female ejaculation makes this political background feel something like covert censorship of female sexuality.

The reality of female ejaculation

This experiment throws a little light on female ejaculation in general, and squirting orgasms in particular.

The Nature of Squirting

The study was conducted by a gynecologist in France with a mere seven women.

At the start of the experiment the women were asked to empty their bladders and provide a urine sample – an ultrasound scan confirmed that their bladders were empty.

They then had sex with a partner or masturbated until they were close to their squirting orgasms, at which point they were given another pelvic scan and the fluid they emitted was collected, after which a final pelvic scan was performed.

Interestingly enough, although they’d started to receive sexual stimulation when their bladders were completely empty, by the time they were ready to orgasm and female ejaculate, their bladders were full again – and once they had squirted at the moment of orgasm, their bladders were empty.

Squirting orgasms – where does this mysterious fluid come from?

On the face of it you might conclude that the fluid being ejaculated was urine, or that it was some other fluid produced during sexual arousal which had somehow got into the bladder.

However, one of the theories put forward by women who produce squirting orgasms is that fluid from the paraurethral glands may be forced back into the bladder when women unconsciously clamp their muscles down to prevent what they think is incipient urination.

So sadly, it might seem that this experiment doesn’t go very far towards demonstrating what this mysterious fluid which women ejaculate at the point of orgasm actually is….

Even so, a chemical analysis was performed on all of the samples the women produced. Two were like urine, but five of the seven women’s samples showed PSA (prostate-specific antigen) in the fluid they’d squirted, which had not been detected in their initial urine sample.

Although PSA is more commonly associated with male ejaculation, it is also produced by the Skene’s glands near the vagina.

Beverly Whipple, who was responsible for some of the earliest work on female ejaculation has said that in her view the term female ejaculation really has only relevance to the production of a small amount of milky fluid at orgasm, and not the squirting or gushing which was being investigated in this experiment.

In essence what Whipple is saying is that when women squirt or gush at the moment of orgasm they are expelling either urine alone, or urine mixed with liquids and chemicals from the female prostate tissue.

Sidebar: Obviously, in view of the experiment described above, one of the interesting questions here is whether the kidneys work faster and produce more dilute urine during sexual stimulation than at other times.

The critical thing about female ejaculation is that some women – and it seems to be around half of women – have experienced once or more than once the involuntary emission of fluid from the urethra at the amount of orgasm in quantities ranging from 30 to 150 ml.

This this has become known as squirting, although in fairness this term usually refers to a much large quantity of liquid.

No wonder the scientific community is still divided on this question – there are even some who question the very existence of the G spot, while others are still debating how it can be that some women emit as little as 2 – 4 ml of liquid which looks like watered-down milk while others emit large quantities of clear liquid that resembles urine.

What is female ejaculation? Can all women do it?

Clarity & Ejaculation

The debate centres on whether or not the large quantity of liquid which women may release during squirting orgasms comes from the bladder or from the female prostate tissue.

One theory suggests the milky white fluid produced by the female prostate tissue can be forced backward into the bladder (perhaps because a woman clamps down her muscles because she is scared of releasing any liquid during sexual arousal), and this is why the samples tested in the experiment described above contained PSA.

Yet it seems unlikely, intuitively unlikely, that women who self-report the expulsion of large quantities of liquid – say a glassful – during orgasm could really be producing this in their prostate tissue.

Just what conclusions can we draw from all of this work?

Well, good question. The answer is, it seems as though the smaller volume of fluid from the female prostate containing PSA is produced during mechanical stimulation of the G spot.

Larger quantities of liquid emitted during squirting orgasms do appear to come from the bladder, although how this fluid gets there in the first place is a little bit of a mystery.

Science is not very helpful at discovering exactly what female ejaculation is, but perhaps it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe the truth of the matter is that we need to listen to the 80% of women who have ejaculated fluid at climax and say that this ejaculation enhances and enriches their sex life!

In other words, we don’t need to know about the origin of female ejaculation to know that this is something which shows a woman is enjoying a healthy sex life, she’s in a state of relaxation, and stimulation of her G spot adds a whole dimension to her life.

Keep in mind that between 35 and 50% of women say that they’ve experienced squirting orgasms once or more than once. This is not likely to be involuntary release of urine, surely?

The fact that vast numbers of women report the release of this mysterious fluid, without knowing exactly where it comes from, serves to strongly support the idea that female squirting orgasm is a genuine phenomenon that gives women sexual pleasure, and whether it involves urination or not is an irrelevance.

The discovery of female ejaculation

The Discovery of Female Ejaculation

You can trace the origins of female ejaculation right back to sexual liberation in the 1960s, when women burned their bras.

This was all symbolic of a desire amongst women to explore their sexuality freely and fully – rather than just being  objectified as sex objects for men’s pleasure.

Of course fighting against the patriarch in the history of sexual domination by men required empowerment of many different kinds.

For many women, their first empowerment is or was actually having an orgasm – it’s hard to know in retrospect how many women were non-orgasmic in the 1960s, but the figure that has been widely bandied around is 60%.

This astonishing lack of fulfillement is what led to the sexual revolution.

When you think about it that figure of 60% is absolutely astounding. Why? Well, these days, partly due to more relaxed social mores, partly due to the Internet spreading sex education and making erotica freely available, almost every woman would naturally expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity in one way or another.

But things had to start somewhere – and for women to begin masturbating, and even talking openly about sex, was a new development in the 1960s, 70s, and even the 80s.

It was even necessary for women to discover that having fantasies about sex was permissible and acceptable, and that it could help them reach orgasm.

You can see how far away from things like female ejaculation we were until very recently!

In fact, except in a few limited cultures, for most of human history female ejaculation, or squirting as some now call it, was unknown or at best thought of as an abnormality.

In the past most men would not even have been interested in giving women sexual pleasure in this way, either. You see, the sexual dynamic at play in the 1960s to 1970s was that men “used” women to get orgasms, and women “used” sex to get children, protection, money, a settled life. You name it, women have used sex to get it.

A sexual relationship can be used by both men and women to get what they want!

And that’s hardly an empowered position! So, together with a move in society for women to become more empowered in other ways, the 1980s were perhaps the start of the process of sexual liberation, or, more accurately, sexual education.

Role models like Madonna – the pop star – helped make sexual women acceptable, and images of assertive women normal.

Madonna: Sex (Lyrics)

“Soaking wet, Let me get on top, back and forth till we break the bed.”

Cultural Change Around Sexuality Orgasm & Squirting

Along with the cultural change in the way women were perceived, a whole body of work was necessary to encourage women to be truly sexual and to inhabit their sexual personas fully.

This was work done by pioneers like Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, and the early experts in Tantric sexuality.

So through the 1990s and 2000s, women’s sexual exploration of their own bodies continued, with the aid of adult films on the Internet and the burgeoning amount of erotica available for women who could now see what might perhaps be expected in the way of sexual pleasure.

Of course discoveries about female sexuality and the capacity of a woman’s body to produce intense sexual pleasure have continued right up to this day, and I think we could safely say that the Internet has made squirting both normal and acceptable.

What is certainly true of course is that most women now expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity, if not during intercourse itself.

Photos of a woman reaching orgasm during intercourse.

The variety of sexual activities that men and women can enjoy have increased exponentially as knowledge about sexual pleasure has become more widely available.

But even so, there are still very few men who really know how they can make a woman squirt, and it’s fair to say that limited numbers of men and women are exploring female ejaculation.


That’s disappointing, because not only does the exploration of human sexuality lead to better orgasms, it actually has something to teach us about ourselves. For one thing, sexual expression can help us in expressing emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires.

True sexual expression – which means uninhibited sexual expression – can help us come more creative and imaginative.

But in addition, being fully informed about the rights and possibilities of sex allows people – perhaps women in particular – to set clear boundaries, and make informed choices about what they want.

In the process we can all become more tolerant and understanding of others who have different sexual expectations and perhaps choose to follow a sexual path that we ourselves find difficult to understand.

All in all, sex can become a means to express oneself.

Sexual development

In the archetypal model of the human personality formed by Carl Jung, there are four main archetypes: the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover.

Women naturally fall into lover energy when they move into their teens and experience a blossoming of their sexuality. This is a necessary part of their development as women.

And for those teenagers whose sexuality is suppressed and repressed, denied and hidden, the exploration of sexual desire is not only a way of obtaining pleasure, but also  a way to recovering the full energy contained in their lover archetype.

Without this, there can be no full expression of their female, their innate femininity.

Now I’m not suggesting that learning to squirt – discovering how to female ejaculate – is absolutely necessary for a woman to rediscover her sexuality and explore her feminine archetypes, but I know that it certainly helps a woman become more uninhibited, more sexual, and feel her feminine energy flow more easily.

And that’s good for all of us – to become more fully ourselves, by exploring every aspect of our personality – including our sexuality.

In short, the more we care for and honor our sexuality, and the more we develop our innate sexual energy and sexuality, the happier and more well-adjusted – perhaps even fulfilled – we will all become.