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Women And Orgasm – The Pleasure Of Ejaculation

One of the more interesting articles on female ejaculation, or squirting orgasms, has been published in the Guardian, under the headline “The debate about squirting is actually about whether or not women can be trusted to accurately report their own sexual experiences.”

And that does reflect a fundamental truth about female ejaculation: scientific investigators seem to start from a position where they are trying to disprove its existence.

It’s almost as though there’s something doubtful about the very existence of squirting orgasms, and women can’t be trusted to relate what they’re experiencing.

Male and Female Ejaculation

There are certainly some reasons why that female ejaculation is harder to accept. For one thing, female ejaculation is less noticeable than male ejaculation. In fact, it’s probably recognizable in many cases only to the woman who is experiencing it, and unlike male ejaculation, the evidence of it having happened may not necessarily be very clear.

But when you dig down a little bit further into the phenomenon of squirting orgasms, it’s also true that a denial of female  sexual pleasure is a theme which has run through a widespread patriarchal attitude towards female sexuality for many centuries.

So can we now separate the reality of squirting orgasms and female ejaculation from what men fantasize about, would like to believe is true, and also seem to try and deny?

Well, surely what women say about their sexual experiences serves as evidence of the existence of female ejaculation?

True, but what makes this slightly harder is the fact many women themselves deny the reality of female ejaculation. However, there are significantly more women who have discovered it and know it to be a genuine phenomenon, part of their sexual experience.

Another problem is that almost every conversation on the subject of female ejaculation finally ends up debating the question of whether or not it’s a real phenomenon.

And there’s a whole genre of pornography centered on squirting orgasms. This is not doing us any favours in our attempts to establish what is true and what is not true.

What we do know, however is that there a scientific study conducted by French gynaecologists seems to demonstrate that female ejaculation comes in two forms.

There’s the emission of some kind of pseudo-prostatic fluid from the female Skene’s glands (which resemble male prostate tissue). And second, there’s the expulsion of fluid from the bladder. This is the much more common form of “squirting” which is seen on Internet pornography and erotica.

Regrettably, many people who deny the reality of female ejaculation were delighted to have “evidence” that women were mistaken in thinking female ejaculation was a genuine form of sexual expression.

What a mistake! How could you not have realized, they say, that squirting orgasms are merely arousal-induced urinary incontinence?

Underlying all of this is the assumption that women can’t understand, or can’t describe, what they’re experiencing during sex.

Yet when a woman has ejaculated during sex, she has experienced a unique sensation of sexual arousal, and a unique symptom of orgasmic release.

Every woman who’s ejaculated will know that the fluid they release during squirting orgasms is different to urine.

Also, female ejaculation, squirting, or gushing, call it what you may, feels different from the act of urination. And, let’s remember, the evidence is that the liquid released when a woman comes is fundamentally different to her pee.

And there’s a deeper aspect to all of this, as well: the fact that the physical experience of female ejaculation is simply an expression of female sexual pleasure in its purest form.

Some people insist that female ejaculation is simply urination (or something vaguely similar). But this is a denigration of women’s experience of their own bodies and women’s ability to understand their own sexuality. It also conveys a sense that female sexuality is somehow “dirty” or “less pure” than the male orgasm.

Sure, this is a feminist position. And no wonder! The fact is, the politics of female ejaculation go far beyond the ability of an individual woman to experience sexual pleasure during ejaculation.

In both Britain and Australia scenes of female ejaculation have been “banned” in erotica, on the grounds that all the women are doing is urinating.

(How extraordinary that such material should be banned even if that were true. But that, of course, is another issue.)

Bearing in mind that most women who have female-ejaculated declaim that urination has no part to play in female ejaculation makes this political background feel something like covert censorship of female sexuality.

The reality of female ejaculation

This experiment throws a little light on female ejaculation in general, and squirting orgasms in particular.

The Nature of Squirting

The study was conducted by a gynecologist in France with a mere seven women.

At the start of the experiment the women were asked to empty their bladders and provide a urine sample – an ultrasound scan confirmed that their bladders were empty.

They then had sex with a partner or masturbated until they were close to their squirting orgasms, at which point they were given another pelvic scan and the fluid they emitted was collected, after which a final pelvic scan was performed.

Interestingly enough, although they’d started to receive sexual stimulation when their bladders were completely empty, by the time they were ready to orgasm and female ejaculate, their bladders were full again – and once they had squirted at the moment of orgasm, their bladders were empty.

Squirting orgasms – where does this mysterious fluid come from?

On the face of it you might conclude that the fluid being ejaculated was urine, or that it was some other fluid produced during sexual arousal which had somehow got into the bladder.

However, one of the theories put forward by women who produce squirting orgasms is that fluid from the paraurethral glands may be forced back into the bladder when women unconsciously clamp their muscles down to prevent what they think is incipient urination.

So sadly, it might seem that this experiment doesn’t go very far towards demonstrating what this mysterious fluid which women ejaculate at the point of orgasm actually is….

Even so, a chemical analysis was performed on all of the samples the women produced. Two were like urine, but five of the seven women’s samples showed PSA (prostate-specific antigen) in the fluid they’d squirted, which had not been detected in their initial urine sample.

Although PSA is more commonly associated with male ejaculation, it is also produced by the Skene’s glands near the vagina.

Beverly Whipple, who was responsible for some of the earliest work on female ejaculation has said that in her view the term female ejaculation really has only relevance to the production of a small amount of milky fluid at orgasm, and not the squirting or gushing which was being investigated in this experiment.

In essence what Whipple is saying is that when women squirt or gush at the moment of orgasm they are expelling either urine alone, or urine mixed with liquids and chemicals from the female prostate tissue.

Sidebar: Obviously, in view of the experiment described above, one of the interesting questions here is whether the kidneys work faster and produce more dilute urine during sexual stimulation than at other times.

The critical thing about female ejaculation is that some women – and it seems to be around half of women – have experienced once or more than once the involuntary emission of fluid from the urethra at the amount of orgasm in quantities ranging from 30 to 150 ml.

This this has become known as squirting, although in fairness this term usually refers to a much large quantity of liquid.

No wonder the scientific community is still divided on this question – there are even some who question the very existence of the G spot, while others are still debating how it can be that some women emit as little as 2 – 4 ml of liquid which looks like watered-down milk while others emit large quantities of clear liquid that resembles urine.

What is female ejaculation? Can all women do it?

Clarity & Ejaculation

The debate centres on whether or not the large quantity of liquid which women may release during squirting orgasms comes from the bladder or from the female prostate tissue.

One theory suggests the milky white fluid produced by the female prostate tissue can be forced backward into the bladder (perhaps because a woman clamps down her muscles because she is scared of releasing any liquid during sexual arousal), and this is why the samples tested in the experiment described above contained PSA.

Yet it seems unlikely, intuitively unlikely, that women who self-report the expulsion of large quantities of liquid – say a glassful – during orgasm could really be producing this in their prostate tissue.

Just what conclusions can we draw from all of this work?

Well, good question. The answer is, it seems as though the smaller volume of fluid from the female prostate containing PSA is produced during mechanical stimulation of the G spot.

Larger quantities of liquid emitted during squirting orgasms do appear to come from the bladder, although how this fluid gets there in the first place is a little bit of a mystery.

Science is not very helpful at discovering exactly what female ejaculation is, but perhaps it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe the truth of the matter is that we need to listen to the 80% of women who have ejaculated fluid at climax and say that this ejaculation enhances and enriches their sex life!

In other words, we don’t need to know about the origin of female ejaculation to know that this is something which shows a woman is enjoying a healthy sex life, she’s in a state of relaxation, and stimulation of her G spot adds a whole dimension to her life.

Keep in mind that between 35 and 50% of women say that they’ve experienced squirting orgasms once or more than once. This is not likely to be involuntary release of urine, surely?

The fact that vast numbers of women report the release of this mysterious fluid, without knowing exactly where it comes from, serves to strongly support the idea that female squirting orgasm is a genuine phenomenon that gives women sexual pleasure, and whether it involves urination or not is an irrelevance.

The discovery of female ejaculation

The Discovery of Female Ejaculation

You can trace the origins of female ejaculation right back to sexual liberation in the 1960s, when women burned their bras.

This was all symbolic of a desire amongst women to explore their sexuality freely and fully – rather than just being  objectified as sex objects for men’s pleasure.

Of course fighting against the patriarch in the history of sexual domination by men required empowerment of many different kinds.

For many women, their first empowerment is or was actually having an orgasm – it’s hard to know in retrospect how many women were non-orgasmic in the 1960s, but the figure that has been widely bandied around is 60%.

This astonishing lack of fulfillement is what led to the sexual revolution.

When you think about it that figure of 60% is absolutely astounding. Why? Well, these days, partly due to more relaxed social mores, partly due to the Internet spreading sex education and making erotica freely available, almost every woman would naturally expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity in one way or another.

But things had to start somewhere – and for women to begin masturbating, and even talking openly about sex, was a new development in the 1960s, 70s, and even the 80s.

It was even necessary for women to discover that having fantasies about sex was permissible and acceptable, and that it could help them reach orgasm.

You can see how far away from things like female ejaculation we were until very recently!

In fact, except in a few limited cultures, for most of human history female ejaculation, or squirting as some now call it, was unknown or at best thought of as an abnormality.

In the past most men would not even have been interested in giving women sexual pleasure in this way, either. You see, the sexual dynamic at play in the 1960s to 1970s was that men “used” women to get orgasms, and women “used” sex to get children, protection, money, a settled life. You name it, women have used sex to get it.

A sexual relationship can be used by both men and women to get what they want!

And that’s hardly an empowered position! So, together with a move in society for women to become more empowered in other ways, the 1980s were perhaps the start of the process of sexual liberation, or, more accurately, sexual education.

Role models like Madonna – the pop star – helped make sexual women acceptable, and images of assertive women normal.

Madonna: Sex (Lyrics)

“Soaking wet, Let me get on top, back and forth till we break the bed.”

Cultural Change Around Sexuality Orgasm & Squirting

Along with the cultural change in the way women were perceived, a whole body of work was necessary to encourage women to be truly sexual and to inhabit their sexual personas fully.

This was work done by pioneers like Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, and the early experts in Tantric sexuality.

So through the 1990s and 2000s, women’s sexual exploration of their own bodies continued, with the aid of adult films on the Internet and the burgeoning amount of erotica available for women who could now see what might perhaps be expected in the way of sexual pleasure.

Of course discoveries about female sexuality and the capacity of a woman’s body to produce intense sexual pleasure have continued right up to this day, and I think we could safely say that the Internet has made squirting both normal and acceptable.

What is certainly true of course is that most women now expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity, if not during intercourse itself.

Photos of a woman reaching orgasm during intercourse.

The variety of sexual activities that men and women can enjoy have increased exponentially as knowledge about sexual pleasure has become more widely available.

But even so, there are still very few men who really know how they can make a woman squirt, and it’s fair to say that limited numbers of men and women are exploring female ejaculation.

Squirting

That’s disappointing, because not only does the exploration of human sexuality lead to better orgasms, it actually has something to teach us about ourselves. For one thing, sexual expression can help us in expressing emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires.

True sexual expression – which means uninhibited sexual expression – can help us come more creative and imaginative.

But in addition, being fully informed about the rights and possibilities of sex allows people – perhaps women in particular – to set clear boundaries, and make informed choices about what they want.

In the process we can all become more tolerant and understanding of others who have different sexual expectations and perhaps choose to follow a sexual path that we ourselves find difficult to understand.

All in all, sex can become a means to express oneself.

Sexual development

In the archetypal model of the human personality formed by Carl Jung, there are four main archetypes: the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover.

Women naturally fall into lover energy when they move into their teens and experience a blossoming of their sexuality. This is a necessary part of their development as women.

And for those teenagers whose sexuality is suppressed and repressed, denied and hidden, the exploration of sexual desire is not only a way of obtaining pleasure, but also  a way to recovering the full energy contained in their lover archetype.

Without this, there can be no full expression of their female, their innate femininity.

Now I’m not suggesting that learning to squirt – discovering how to female ejaculate – is absolutely necessary for a woman to rediscover her sexuality and explore her feminine archetypes, but I know that it certainly helps a woman become more uninhibited, more sexual, and feel her feminine energy flow more easily.

And that’s good for all of us – to become more fully ourselves, by exploring every aspect of our personality – including our sexuality.

In short, the more we care for and honor our sexuality, and the more we develop our innate sexual energy and sexuality, the happier and more well-adjusted – perhaps even fulfilled – we will all become.

The Ultimate Female Pleasure? Female Ejaculation

BACKGROUND TO FEMALE EJACULATION

The Art Of Gushing Orgasms!

There are thousands of articles on squirting orgasms on the internet. This could make you believe that knowing how to make a woman squirt is a matter of massive importance.

But squirting orgasms are simply the release of fluid from a woman’s vulva at orgasm. In fact, to squirt is quite natural.


How To Enjoy Squirting!

Discover The Simplest, Quickest and Easiest Way To Give Your Partner A Squirting Orgasm!

Click Below To Find Out How To Do It
(Warning: this free video all about G spot stimulation is NSFW and loud)


And since it feels great and it’s sexually exciting for a woman and her partner, what’s not to like? And besides all that, it’s fun to try to make a woman squirt.

So, why not try it? We’ve got all the information you might need to help you enjoy squirting orgasms for the first time, right here! And if you’re a man we can show you how to make a woman squirt, either for the first time or the hundredth time.

By the way, these wet orgasms are sometimes referred to as female ejaculation, or “gushing” orgasms. Here’s a picture of a woman who knows how make herself squirt.

For some people, that’s not enough. The curious, the scientific, and the perfectionists among us, all seem to want to know what causes a gushing or squirting orgasm!

And especially, people want to know, what’s the fluid that’s released when a woman reaches orgasm?

Research Proves Nothing About Squirting Orgasms

Over the last 20 years, the internet’s provided more and more airspace for the phenomenon of squirting orgasms, and it’s now become something like a sexual fad.

Knowing how to make a woman squirt is seen by men as proof of their partner’s orgasm and proof of female pleasure. (Many women do say it goes along with an intensified experience of orgasm.)

What Happens When A Woman Squirts or Ejaculates Fluid at Orgasm?

To start with, a lot of people think there are at least two kinds of ejaculation. First, a small amount of creamy white fluid which comes out of the urethra  during extreme sexual arousal and orgasm.

And second, a thinner, clearer liquid which probably emerges from the urethra in larger quantities during squirting orgasms.

So what’s the truth? Around a woman’s urethra there’s some tissue which resembles the prostate gland tissue of men. This is variously known as the paraurethral sponge, the female prostate, or the Skene’s glands.

Many people believe that the fluid discharged in large quantities during female ejaculation – i.e. squirting orgasms –  comes from this “prostatic” tissue.

And there is some research which indicates that female ejaculate has some of the same components as male ejaculatory fluid or semen.

But recently there has been a study which seems to prove this is not so. This research suggests the larger quantities of liquid emerging from the urethra when a woman squirts come from the bladder. This liquid is of a different chemical composition to “normal” urine.

The Truth About A Woman Squirting?

Gushing or squirting orgasms have gained a reputation for being very powerful. They seem to be some kind of enhanced orgasm.  Certainly the experience of being with a woman who squirts is very arousing. This may explain why men so much want to know how to make women squirt. Perhaps it’s a male pride thing, as in, “See what I made her do!”

But what do women who experience squirting orgasms, and the men who want to make them squirt, really feel?

Fun and pleasure is one obvious answer….. and intense female orgasm is another. It can be a peak sexual experience to see your female partner squirming in the grip of a powerful, very wet orgasm.

Want To Produce A Woman’s Squirting Orgasm?

Here’s How…

Most of the instructions about how to produce squirting orgasms suggest you start by putting fingertip pressure onto the area of the G spot. This is about an inch or two inside the vagina, on the upper wall, as a woman lies on her back. If she is sufficiently aroused, when she “bears down” at the point of orgasm, she’ll ejaculate fluid.

These instructions alter the angle at which the urethra enters the bladder. This apparently makes it much more difficult for a woman to retain urine.

So, yes, there could be an element of urination in gushing. But the fluid released during a squirting orgasm never smells like urine, nor does it look like it. You might therefore think that learning how to make a woman squirt is merely harmless fun.

Even so, if female ejaculation does turn out to be urination by any other name, there’s no harm in that.

Whatever it is, it can be very exciting for a woman to release this fluid. You only have to read what women say about squirting orgasms to see that they feel good. And  if both partners agree to try and make squirting happen, this can be a wonderful way of expressing your sexuality. It can be very arousing for woman and man alike to make a woman come in this way.

So with that said, it’s important to realize something. When a woman ejaculates clear fluid in volume, what comes out does seem to be dilute pee or urine.

The study which most people have taken as proof of this was conducted on seven women, who were all experienced squirters.

The researchers used ultrasound techniques to see if their bladders were full before and after orgasm.

Long story short, the women’s bladders appeared to partly fill with fluid before orgasm. After the woman had squirted, their bladders were empty.

But that isn’t the whole story.

It transpires that the fluid is different to “normal” urine. It contains some chemicals which are reminiscent of prostatic fluid, and it’s more dilute than most urine.

As it passes down the urethra, fluid from the Skene’s glands or prostatic tissue can mix in with the urine. So you might expect some difference in chemical composition to “normal” pee.

But even if that is correct, it doesn’t satisfy some women. They are adamant that the fluid they ejaculate in large quantities when they are made to squirt is NOT urine.

On balance, I think the evidence shows that the fluid which emerges during squirting or gushing is indeed urine. Chemical analysis and bladder ultrasound does seem to confirm that. But who knows? Tomorrow is another day!

Enjoy Squirting? Don’t Stop Squirting!

There’s a sense on the Internet that the scientists who investigate the nature of female ejaculate are spoiling people’s fun.

I mean, being told that you’re peeing during sex could be off-putting for some people. I get that. But the release of urine during orgasm can be very exciting, both psychologically and physically.

The urethra is full of sensitive nerve endings, for one thing. For another, the emotional sense of release and letting go when “ejaculating” can be  deeply profound and satisfying. This is a sense of surrendering to the body’s urge to release and let go, all of which adds to the excitement of sex.

Even if it’s just a physical thing caused by the angle of the bladder changing so that it’s harder to hold urine in, and thus contractions of the muscles at orgasm tend to promote the release of urine as a strong jet – well, so what?

Surely it’s much more important that people simply enjoy themselves during sex?

Video – Female Ejaculation

And by the way, don’t mention it, but there are quite a lot of women who need to pee before sex to ensure that they don’t release urine at the moment of orgasm. That’s called coital incontinence.

I guess if you think hygiene is top of the list of things you need to maintain during sex, then it’s not gonna be too exciting for you to squirt!

On the other hand, if the release of large quantities of fluid turns you on, and you are enjoying squirting orgasms – why not? Enjoy. Life’s too short to worry about it.

Another point of view

Way back when, Gary Schubach wrote an article on female ejaculation.

His research wasn’t very scientific, but all credit – he was trying to find out the constituents in female ejaculation. Or, as he put it, “the experiment focused on the nature, composition and source of female urethral expulsions during sexual arousal.”

He discovered that most of the fluid expelled by the women in this study came from their bladders. This, even though their bladders had been drained before sex! These women still expelled between 50 and 900 ml of fluid at the point of orgasm.

And – here’s the thing – there wasn’t much urea or creatinine in the expelled fluid. Those two things are what make up much of the chemicals in ordinary pee.

So the inference, as other research has shown, is that what’s expelled in a squirting orgasm isn’t normal urine. Somehow there’s a chemical process or change – or something – during sexual stimulation which changes the nature of the fluid expelled during squirting.

Schubach confirmed that the milky white mucus-like fluid comes down the urethra from the paraurethral glands and ducts during sexual excitement. So could it be that this fluid is mixing with fluid coming from the bladder?

It continues to be a controversy, which is a shame, as it distracts from the fact that knowing how to make a woman squirt might be a great way of enhancing sexual pleasure.

A final word (for the moment)

Despite these scientific studies, there are still plenty of women who claim that female ejaculatory fluid in large quantities comes out of the vagina, and it’s not like pee and it’s not like prostatic fluid.

The Tantric experts have a word for it – they call it Amrita or nectar of the gods – and it’s not urine. Female Ejaculation, they say, is a sacred process, and probably very different from squirting.

Female ejaculatory fluid is surrounded by this esoteric and slightly secret sense of a special gift to women who channel the energy of the gods. This link to the Divine Feminine makes female ejaculation even more mysterious.

She writes “Amrita is one of the greatest wonders of the world. People have tried to measure it, examine it, explain it, figure it out. There is no way to measure, or explain, the divine.”

Does this attitude to squirting orgasms help or hinder the debate? Does it help men or women who wish to know how to make a woman squirt?

Perhaps you have to make your own mind up!

So: female ejaculation of Amrita may be something else. There’s a summary of some aspects of the argument here.

By the way, it has to be said that most people who have tasted or smelled Amrita say it really does smell wonderful and taste good. And the quantity produced varies considerably – some women can soak the bed, other produce a dribble.

But really, in the end, does it matter what the fluid is?

Video – More On Squirting

How to enjoy yourself pleasuring more

The first technique that you can use to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body, and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable.

As you learn to relax, you will discover more and more areas of your body in which you’re holding muscular tension – this will include the areas around your genitals, areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings or experiences.

Learning to relax, and to apply the relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.

The next way in which you can help yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated with sexual arousal!

When you overcome your inhibitions about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when you have private time and no-one will observe you. It’s important that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share them with your partner.

One: Rock your pelvis backwards and forwards, and up and down. This, of course, is one of the basic movements of intercourse – the thrusting movement of the pelvis. Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.

Two: Arch your back and thrust your hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he thrusts downwards and into you.

Three: Bring your knees up to your chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an embrace between your legs.

Four: Bend forward from a standing position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover standing behind you.

Remember that you only need to do as much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your body in this way during sex.

A great way of becoming more comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the ultimate in female sensual dance. It’s actually a very sensual – if not sexual – expression of feminine grace and femininity. You can read all about the art of Belly Dancing here Belly dancing with Shira.

We have also mentioned Sensate Focus as a way to get greater comfort and pleasure with your body.

Sexual Fantasy

We mentioned above that sexual fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the importance of fantasy in women’s sexual lives – and thereby in your own sexual life – are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy Friday.

These are collections of women’s fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and ideas that make you feel sexual.

Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that – fantasy. It’s kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part, fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.

Pornography and erotica are not inherently bad. Whether or not they are morally correct is a decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time. The same is true of course of your fantasies.

In this context we would just like to point out a study conducted by research scientists. This study demonstrated that some of the happiest sexual relationships are those in which the two participants fantasized about having sex with other people whilst making love to their own partner!

One problem with fantasy is that you may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during sex.

It’s possible that such connections represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.

Ways to increase your enjoyment of fantasy

Remember that your fantasy does not have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought, feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous, loving….whatever you wish.

You can also blend your reality – for example, when touching yourself – with your fantasy – for example, imagining that it is your partner’s hands which are touching you as you play with your own genitals.

The next step

Have five or six sessions over the next fortnight in which you use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises. Try one or two of these techniques during each self-pleasuring session so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.

Reservations and Inhibitions

Reservations and Inhibitions Around Self Pleasure

Sexually experienced people know that sex is not just about the body and its responses. For that reason, if at the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards.

Yet our bodies are naturally sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is often a taboo subject in the family as they grow up. Most of us were given negative or mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew up. Take a moment to think about what messages you were given by your parents and teachers about sex and your body.

Have you accepted all their beliefs wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas completely? Your parents did what they thought was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a person.

Your body is unique, and you have the right to self-pleasuring, which is a wonderful celebration of your body. If you realize you have inhibitions about sexual pleasure (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) you find shadow work with a qualified facilitator helpful in overcoming these blocks. 

The Power of the Mind: Finding Your Favorite Fantasies

When you start to experience pleasure and arousal in your sessions, you may find some of the ideas that most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose consciously.

This is your unconscious mind at work, and it can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel shocked or guilty about their fantasies: but the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of women’s fantasies – and you might even find a new one that turns you on!

We would like to emphasize at this point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of being human. There’s nothing wrong with this, provided that the material which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women. 

Oddly enough, some women who are opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard to recognize their own arousal.

Experiments conducted in the 1970s demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you measure arousal by vaginal lubrication.

However, when questioned, many of these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials.

It may also reflect the fact that a lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own bodiesAgain, we would like to emphasize that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to become more aware of your sexuality.

You may even find it necessary to move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel aroused.

Things to look for include vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and mentally feeling sexual aroused – whatever form that takes for you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?

Benefits of sexual pleasuring

It’s important to remember that even if you have reservations about masturbation, it’s only by continuing to explore your body that you will become comfortable with your sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to focus on the potential benefits of self-pleasuring. These potential benefits include greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your own body.

So at this point we would like you to consider what it gives you the greatest pleasure in bed. For example, did you notice that different kinds of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.

And of course this does not apply only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.

One of the biggest concerns that women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or not they are feeling sexual arousal.

However this is actually very unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you begin to “watch” your own feelings and responses, and you become a spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.

If you find that this is happening to you, simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body.

Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.

You probably realize that not every session of self-pleasuring will be the same. On occasions you will be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow. On other occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are making.

This is exactly the way the personal growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so. It’s also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is what it is. However, we encourage you to focus on the positive pleasure you get after each session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well.

So, for example, even feeling just a little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the things that didn’t go as you would have wished.

Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn’t go very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to do for your friends and family? If so, try and choose a time when you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and self-pleasuring exercises.

 

Discovering the pleasure of self touch

Greater pleasure from self-pleasuring – advice for women

You might have discovered places on your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very pleasurable.

On the other hand, you might feel that nothing you’ve done has resulted in the pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some processes begin imperceptibly.

(Think about how you begin to lose weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your process of change is unique and it doesn’t matter if it takes time. Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that last.

Quite likely you’ll have experienced something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That’s normal, and it’s part of being a woman.

Try to develop an ability to enjoy the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you’re not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you’re learning more about yourself.

Blockages to Arousal

Every difficult or challenging experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that is.

Have you had a stressful day? Did something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMS?

Understanding the things that affect you is really helpful, because sex – with yourself as well as with someone else – rarely works well if you’re stressed. So at these times do something else which helps you relax and feel better.

And ironically sometimes taking the pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication of whether they are likely to get aroused or not.

If you do feel in the mood and begin to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters?

Did your clitoris become too sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused woman to reach stages like a ‘plateau’ and need to rest for a few moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too! It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a little break every so often.

Self-pleasuring for women

If you are really becoming very aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a ‘plateau’, where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don’t worry! It will always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to re-generate arousal.

What if nothing much is happening?

If your practice so far has been pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new sensations, do continue.

Be gentle with yourself and expect it to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for some people. This is an aspect of the Feeling Body archetype. You may not be familiar with the concept of archetypes but they are a useful way of partitioning the activities of the body and mind into different functions. It’s a model which allows us to explore not only how we think and feel, but also how we behave and why our body may not be giving us the pleasure and satisfaction that we desire.

Much of our sexual and romantic energy is stored in the Lover archetype – also known as the Feeling Body. This name is a new concept which build on the idea of archetypes presented in the book King Warrior Magician Lover. You can see the evolution of the concept of the Lover into the concept of the Feeling Body here.

This is an aspect of shadow work (see this for more on shadow work) – shadow being made up of the parts of ourselves that we hide and deny during childhood. As you may well imagine, much of our difficulty around sex comes from childhood issues (read about that here). However, it is possible to rebalance the Lover or Feeling Body archetype and enjoy sexual pleasure at any time of life.

For some women sex has been something which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual process.

Take your time, and also choose your time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just your genitals.

Experience the different sensations and don’t feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not about success or failure. It’s more like a journey where you’ll pass through many different places. Provided what you’re doing is not painful or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than sexual growth.

Focusing on the Positive

After your next session of self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most? What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected? Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you clues for your next session.

For example, if you find you prefer touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris, then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether it’s the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs doesn’t matter.

Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm. 

Women and Orgasm (For Men!)

In the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: few women reach orgasm during intercourse. The majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what can you do if you’re trying to pleasure a woman by bringing her to orgasm?

The difficulty or ease with which a woman reaches orgasm is clearly affected by a range of factors: genetic,  social, emotional, and so on. For example, how much a woman trusts her man will affect how easily he can make her come during sexual interaction.

statistics relating to female orgasmOne issue is simply that there are so many factors that impact on a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm. The same is true, of course, on a man’s ability to give a woman sexual pleasure in bed by making her come or bringing her to orgasm. These include some less obvious factors – for example, sociological issues such as the meaning and acceptability of orgasm in her culture and her social environment.

orgasm during intercourse may be important to many womenAlso, some women feel more comfortable reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse than through masturbation. They may have an association in their minds between clitoral stimulation or masturbation and socially unacceptable or otherwise negative behavior.

Equally, any sexual activity which might threaten the intimacy of a sexual relationship could be potentially threatening for some women. It may be less culturally threatening, too, for some women,  if the man takes responsibility for his woman’s orgasm. And this means some men may be culturally pressured to know how to make a woman come. So we can see that both personality factors and the influence of culture and religion can be very important in the achievement of female sexual pleasure through orgasm. 

Valuing a man who knows how to make a woman come!

In a survey of heterosexual women, John Bancroft asked how important various factors were in reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual happiness. In order of importance, the percentage of women answering “very” or “extremely” important to the following questions were:

1) to feel emotionally close to your partner – 83.5%

2) to feel your partner is sexually satisfied – 78.9%

3) to feel talking comfortable but your partner about – 61.5%

4) to have an orgasm – 29.6%

shows how a man can make a woman come during intercourseThis clearly indicates that intercourse and orgasm have a different significance to women than they do to men. 

Frequency of orgasm

Kinsey showed that, when asked about intercourse in general, 22% of women said they never experience orgasm. By contrast, this number dropped to 14% for “assisted” intercourse (i.e., when clitoral stimulation was specifically included). Among men who are sexually active, 72% claim that they always had an orgasm to climax and ejaculated during intercourse with a partner, 22% said they usually did, 4% said they sometimes did, and 2% said they rarely or never did.

picture of the female g spotHowever, the implication that most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (which is really a simple factual observation) has caused controversy. Some sexologists believe that a man can only bring a woman to orgasmic pleasure through intercourse alone if her G spot has been awakened. This happens through a combination of sexual experience, sexual confidence, and emotional connection to her partner.

Certainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence around sexual orgasm in women. There seems to be a fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Whatever the truth, exploring such issues can be a good motivation for men and women to enjoy sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to really pleasure his partner in the way she would like. Men love to give women pleasure – it is a very affirming experience for them.

Ways to make a woman come

According to Cosmopolitan magazine,  around 10% of women have never had an orgasm with a partner.

sex techniquesAnd that is truly shocking! Considering that the basis of 99% of heterosexual relationships is love and sex, what can be done about it? Well, obviously, one of the things that can be done about it is for men to learn some great sexual techniques to increase a woman’s sexual pleasure. 

So here, courtesy of Cosmo, are some useful tips for women to achieve orgasm during intercourse.  (The text is addressed mainly to women!)

First of all, if you want to come easily, get on top during sexual intercourse. That way, if you lean forward, you can compress your clitoris between your pelvic bone and your  man’s, providing clitoral stimulation – hopefully sufficiently intense to make you come. But the exact angle you’re going to use to achieve climax quickly will depend on how your bodies come together — for example, how big your bellies are.

sex techniquesIf the man is lying on the bed, it might be necessary for him to arch his back a little bit so that his pelvis is raised. This gives you the opportunity to “grind” your clitoris against his pelvis. Hopefully that will make you come.

Now, one of the most important things to remember is that sex isn’t just about finding the right sexual position or technique. The truth of the matter is that women can become far more aroused than men during sex, and although it takes a different set of skills to arouse a woman to the point where she’s going to come than it does to arouse a man to that point. The interesting thing is that a man’s arousal depends to a large extent on how aroused his partner is. 

Some women feel they have to fake orgasm to please their man. Instead, show your partner exactly what you need him to do to make you orgasm. You can say something like “I want to try something new and see if it makes reaching orgasm easier for me.” He’ll understand that! Or you could invite him to masturbate you, showing him exactly where to put his hand or tongue, to make your orgasm easy.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t come during intercourse — and very few women do — then explain to your partner that you like clitoral stimulation. Tell him you want more of this, especially during sex with him, so that you get even more pleasure in bed. 

One of the ways that you can introduce the subject tactfully without hurting his feelings is by suggesting you enjoy some mutual masturbation to get you both aroused. 

A general tip:  you’ve no doubt heard of Kegel exercises? Believe me, Kegel exercises are one of the things that will make reaching orgasm a heck of a lot easier! You do need resistance, though, it’s no use just contracting the muscle as if you were stopping yourself urinating. That means buying something like the Kegel Master, a device specially designed for women to increase the strength of their PC muscles and hopefully make achieving orgasm easier for them. 

However – there are other approaches that depend on slight changes in sexual position to give you much greater pleasure.In the classic missionary position, you can tilt your hips so that you’re directing his penis to the right spot inside your vagina. That “right spot” is the one most likely to make you come!

Alternatively, if he’s keen on giving you sexual pleasure in bed, you can grab hold of his hips and move him in exactly the way you need  so that his erection stimulates your clitoris or vulva.

Pleasure in bed comes in many ways  

So, during sex, it’s always possible for you, or him, to “lend a helping hand. ” In other words, for you or him to stimulate your clitoris, thereby helping yourself reach orgasm easily. Similarly, if you’re actually lying face down in the rather nice and comfy position that is called “reverse missionary”, then one option is view to grind your clitoris against a pillow or the bed itself.

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who ejaculate during intercourse develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s ex educator Laci Green on “Squirting”

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come and to give and receive sexual pleasure in bed!

The Art Of Sexual Pleasure

Many woman have one special sexual approach which makes them aroused, and can sometimes make them reach orgasm without direct stimulation of the genitals. Here are examples:

“Anal intercourse. It’s so exciting!” Please be careful if you do this, and watch out for the transfer of yeast cells from the vagina to the anus. This can cause yeast infections of the vagina, or Bacterial Vaginosis. Bad news both!

“Running his fingers all over the lips of my vagina and inside and out and on and on forever, and I get sexually aroused so very slowly and yet realizing that I can go on rising until eternity, and anticipating, and finally he plunges in a finger, two fingers hard and go on from there, and/or a special thrill, a sudden twist of the hand so that the wrist bone grates against the soft sensitive insides of the tops of my thighs, and I come in a massive climax, with my natural sexual lubrication spurting out of me!”

“I love him to run his hands over and under my ass while we’re making love at the same time that we’re kissing.”

“Standing when you are held so close and tight you can feel your man’s penis and balls fitting so comfortably between your legs.”

“I love to have my tits played with. I get really turned on when a man sucks on them. I get turned on by this more than by anything else. When a man plays with my clitoris with his fingers, it feels really good, but I don’t come.”

“My lover caresses and touches every inch of my body, but when he brushes my vagina with his penis, it is the most glorious moment of all his caresses. He knows how much I enjoy this moment and prolongs entry as long as I can stand it.”

“The touch of his penis at my vagina entrance makes me leap forward towards orgasm with a big jump.”

“Having my breasts and nipples caressed arouses me very much and can soon bring me off. I especially, like to have a man take one of my nipples into his mouth. I could and have spent much time having a man do that to me. Second to that is cunnilingus which arouses me about as much.”

“Having the area of my clitoris and vagina caressed makes me respond more than anything else. One way of doing that, which is difficult for a man to do, but which I get most pleasure from, is having that area caressed with the top of his penis. If he cannot do that, doing it with his tongue is just about as good.”

“Sixty-nine – mutual oral sex – arouses us both on more than anything else. Standing in the shower with the water and soap falling off us is great and also good clean fun.”

Although most women respond much more keenly than men to gentle stroking and almost require this type of preliminary play to become fully aroused, men also welcome this type of caress.

Remember the general principle that stroking with the whole hand generally proves exciting to both parties, while fingertip stroking usually excites the passive partner more than the active one.

Video – ways for a woman to orgasm

An example of what makes a woman come!

Krystyna is thirty-four, a Swede married to an Englishman, and lives in Sussex, England. She emails to say:

“We have a heated swimming pool, where we can swim naked all the year round. We often make love while we are swimming. It’s quite surprising the number of different things you can do.

Two positions that we use, each of which I find especially exciting and which give me fantastic orgasms. In one I lie on my tummy holding on to the steps, which are at the shallow end. When he kneels down in the water Max’s penis is exactly level with my vagina.

So he kneels between my legs and pushes into me, and then puts his hand round and parts my labia. He doesn’t touch my clitoris at all. Then we rock backwards and forwards, and the movement of the water over my clitoris is indescribable. It takes a long time for me to come off like this, because the build-up is slow.

As you know, a man who has control of his ejaculation and knows the art of lasting in bed is a man who most women would prefer as a lover. At least compared to a man who has no control and ejaculates prematurely before the woman is satisfied during sex.

Building up to orgasm may take more than a quarter of an hour, but all the time there are these superb sensations which slowly get more and more intense, until there is a huge burst, which makes me tremble like a leaf from fingertips to toes.

Max always holds out until I begin to tremble, then he brings himself to orgasm and the jerking of his penis inside me makes me tremble even more. The more I tremble, the more intense my sensations are. I have blacked out coming off like this, which I have never done when we make love in bed or anywhere else. Another way we do it is to go into deeper water, so that Max’s feet are firmly touching the bottom and his shoulders are above the water.

Then I climb on to his penis and put my legs round his waist, and cross my feet. When Max bends his knees and straightens them, his penis goes in and out of my vagina and as it does so, it makes the water flow under a kind of pressure between my labia and over my clitoris, and this is fantastic, too.

But most fantastic of all is when we do it at the water inlet. This is in the shallow end, and the water flows in very, very strongly. I face the inlet and hang, on to the sides, then with my knees apart I squat down until my vulva is exactly opposite the end about six or seven inches away. Max kneels behind me and comes into me.

The underwater jet forces my labia open and plays directly on my clitoris. This can lead to surprising events like female ejaculation. I never thought I was able to ejaculate but this has shown me that sexually I can do whatever I want! And the jet also hits the base of Max’s penis which doesn’t come in me, and joggles his balls about, which he finds very exciting. I always have seven or eight orgasms, and Max never fewer than two. His second one always takes longer than the first, which is why I have so many more orgasms than Max.

But once when Max was particularly randy he had three in about three minutes, and then had two more slower ones. I lost count of mine that time. We had to go and lie on the bed afterwards, we were completely exhausted. But it was a fantastic experience.

How To Pleasure A Woman

Women’s sexual pleasure

One of the things that a lot of men seem to have great difficulty with is knowing how to please a woman successfully. This means knowing how to give her an orgasm during sex so she is sexually satisfied.

You need to be reasonably good at lovemaking, reasonably knowledgeable about sexual pleasure,  and prepared to take the time to find out what your partner wants. Then, it isn’t at all difficult to give a woman great sexual pleasure.

One of things to understand is the fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to sexual arousal. Women are far slower to arouse sexually than men, as a generality. They also need far more stimulation and foreplay to reach the level of arousal at which penetration becomes desirable to them.

So men must curb their impulses to penetrate and reach orgasm as quickly as possible. In fact, rapid sex is often a way in which men deprive themselves of sexual pleasure anyway. If you extend foreplay and withhold your own orgasm as a man, your orgasms will be much more powerful and enjoyable than if you do not.

Are you willing to engage in this form of sexual interplay? If you are, you and your partner can enjoy much more pleasurable sex. You’ll also enjoy much more sexual and orgasmic pleasure and satisfaction. So how to do it? Get some advice, maybe! Read about how to please a man in bed here and how to please a woman in bed here. There is a lot of information on this whole matter available on those two websites.

How to sexually please a woman in bed

The discipline lies in curbing your enthusiasm for penetration and ejaculation! The key to this lies in making sex last longer. You need to focus on the desire to satisfy please your partner, to please her sexually, to pleasure her in bed, to give a sexual fulfillment to her….

Many men are accustomed to taking their pleasure, with little thought perhaps of the woman’s pleasure. You need to change this sexual habit, and find out a way of actually engaging in sex that satisfies her as well as you!

The expression “women come first” is about a way of making love designed to achieve greater sexual pleasure and satisfaction for both men and women alike.

What it means is that if you’re aiming for maximum sexual pleasure as a couple, then ensure that the woman comes first. The man achieves his orgasm after his partner has enjoyed her orgasm.

When she has an orgasm first, her vagina will be lubricated, tumescent and warm. This is far more satisfying for a man and from the woman’s point of view, this is a pleasurable experience too. Her arousal decreases far more slowly than his. A man might want to end sexual contact after his ejaculation, but a woman is often happy to engage in further sexual contact with her partner after her orgasm.

So foreplay which is designed to arouse the woman (and maybe bring her to orgasm) can really help to establish a wonderful sexual relationship between the members of a couple.

Now obviously there are times when we all want a “quickie” – in other words, sex to satisfy an urge. This is very pleasurable, perhaps comes from a moment of passion, and satisfies us sexually. So the thing is, all kinds of sex are valuable provided they are done in a loving way. But this, well, this is a great way of satisfying a woman.

Physical Contact As An Essential Element of Every Successful Relationship

The body of every man and woman is well supplied with erogenous zones which, if properly caressed, bring full sexual arousal. Women’s chief erogenous zones are, in order of greatest sensitivity, the clitoris, the labia, and the vagina entrance.

Next come the nipples, but though the majority of women respond readily to stimulation of them by finger and thumb and the mouth (sucking or licking), there are far more women than is realized who find such attentions to the nipples off-putting by being irritating and sometimes downright painful. The equivalent areas on men’s bodies are the penis, testicles, nipples and scrotum. 

The other sensitive zones for both sexes are the insides and, to a less extent, the outsides of the upper thighs, the perineum, behind the knees, the lips and the inside of the mouth, the throat, the nape of the neck, behind the ears, the lobes, the length of the spine, the buttocks, the anus, and the navel.

There are not many parts of the surface of the body, then, that are not sexually responsive to caresses of one kind or another, principally with the fingers, lips, and tongue.

This being so, responses to physiological stimuli, at least via some of the sensitive zones, makes physiological response universal. And of course some arousal is entirely or principally psychological: this is particularly true of the woman’s caresses of the partner, which although physiological for him, have psychologically arousing properties for her.

Well, what does turn a woman on and make her come?

A good communication system between husband and wife brings far more satisfaction than anything else except good sex! But there are specific cases – for example – if she is anorgasmic, training the muscles of her pelvic floor will go a long way towards ending anorgasmia.

Ways to give a woman an orgasm

False beliefs that (may) spoil sex – and popular ways to make a woman come!

One false belief is that successful sex involves mutual orgasm. But as we know, a woman may have one or several orgasms before her husband ejaculates.

Another is that a woman will always come during intercourse by thrusting alone. In the absence of orgasm during intercourse, people have ended until quite recently to blame the man, saying that he did not know how to make love or else was a selfish character who did not care whether his wife was satisfied or not.

Truth is, for mutual assured pleasure, a woman needs to come before her man enters her. Many women (nearly 1 in 4 in our survey) invariably come from manual stimulation of the clitoris, and about half always come from cunnilingus.

Sex After Fifty – Part 2

Sex After Fifty: Men and Women

As the story of John and Katy demonstrates (read more on that here) a great deal of the cause of sexual failure has its roots in people’s minds.

Many men and women use the changes in their bodies during midlife as an excuse to stop having sex after 50. They seize on the pretext of feeling ill, of hot flushes or headaches, of increasing fatness or tiredness, of business responsibilities, or work, for rejecting any sexual approach that may be made to them or for refusing to make any sexual response that is expected of them.

What they are really saying is that they are so bored with sex that it no longer has any attraction for them.

Or rather I should say, they are so bored with sex with their partner after fifty years of age that it has no attraction for them any more.

Another client of mine, Roger, is sixty-seven, his wife Jane is fifty-nine. They have been married for twenty-seven years. He is a retired schoolmaster, but his wife is still teaching. They do not see many friends. Roger is an amateur musician, playing three instruments and holding two diplomas. Jane’s hobby is visiting stately homes, which she can only do occasionally. He does not accompany her, as he has arthritis in both ankles, and finds walking for long difficult.

At twelve stone, Roger is not overweight for his height – five feet ten inches – and age. Jane, who is five feet nine inches, and weighs ten stone, is trim and neat. She has good health, neither smokes nor drinks. Roger takes “pills prescribed by my doctor to relieve the pain in my ankles.”

They still share a double bed, but never have intercourse now, though Roger would like to very much, at least once a week. 

 The coital alignment technique

Coital alignment technique for more sexual pleasure.

He is definitely not sexually naive….he does know how to make her orgasm.  But neither of them ever had a high sex-drive and they only ever made love once every two weeks or so. Roger does still have strong involuntary erections; that is, he can have an erection without direct stimulation of the penis. (At sixty-seven, this is quite an achievement.)

Jane had an early menopause, beginning at forty and finishing by forty-five. She was even lower-sexed than her husband. They used few sex positions for lovemaking and even fewer techniques. Roger claims Jane required stimulation of her clitoris for up to half an hour to bring her to the point where penetration was possible. Very often she would let him stimulate her for an hour before she asked him to go into her.

And he never really knew whether she reached orgasm or not. She never gave any sign that she had come (reached orgasm), so he always had to ask her, and she always said yes, though he believed that she reached orgasm much less often than she claimed. He also expressed his annoyance at her passivity: “Sometimes I would have very much liked her to take the active role from beginning to end, but I couldn’t ask her to.”

Roger and Jane said they had not made love for the last fifteen years: obviously sex stopped soon after Roger was 50.

He said, “My wife is completely uninterested in sex. For myself, I feel the urge as much as I did thirty years ago, but have no chance at my age of getting sex elsewhere!” It seems that since the very first weeks of their marriage, they had never taken their sex seriously as part of their lives, and certainly not used it as a visible symbol of their love for one another. So long as they were both satisfied by it, sex once every two weeks was all they needed.

But they could have made this lovemaking exciting by developing a varied technique of foreplay, and using a variety of sex positions – even six or seven positions gives quite a choice. Roger made no attempt to find more exciting ways to stimulate Jane, possibly because his sexual desire was satisfied by his (probably not very intense) orgasms.

The result of this laziness and lack of interest was that they were bored by sex, having reached fifty. She welcomed the menopause as an excuse to stop having sex, and he made no attempt to woo her all over again.

Ironically, at sixty-seven his sex drive is strong, and this has made him bitter so that he feels his marriage has become a mockery and would dearly like a divorce. His closest friend advised him to find someone to have sex with him….  and I don’t think he would have any trouble doing so. There are lots of understanding middle-aged women ready to become an attractive man’s mistress, if not his wife.

Another case 

In contrast, let us consider the Bs. Mr B is fifty-two, Mrs B is fifty. They have been married for thirty years and have two children, one of whom, a student, lives at home in the holidays. Mr B is a technical manager and Mrs B manages a shop.

At five feet eleven-and-a-half inches and weighing fourteen stone, Mr B is over-weight, though not grossly so, and has developed a bit of a belly. Mrs B is five feet four inches and weighs nine stone four pounds, which is average for her age and height. She keeps a watch over her figure and appearance. Both enjoy perfect health and take no drugs of any sort. Mrs B has gone through her menopause.

When they were younger they made love every day, and now after fifty years of age, at fifty-two and fifty, they still enjoy sex every night when it is possible. Mr B is away from home quite a lot, however, and they are not often able to make love every consecutive night. They make up for this deficiency during the week, by four or five sessions of love-making through to orgasm on Saturdays and Sundays.

He has very strong erections which he is able to sustain for an hour and a half at least. Mrs B has mastered the technique of having multiple orgasms and often reaches orgasm seven, eight or nine times to his once. He has acquired perfect control over his progress to orgasm and can determine exactly when he ejaculates.

This is a great example of how sex after fifty can be even more successful and enjoyable than sex in earlier life.

Video – better sex after 50.

From the beginning they have been adventurous in their sex play. They use oral sex a lot, and make use of many different sex positions. They make love in the sitting-room, in the bath, in the car, in the country: in fact, anywhere they happen to be and feel the urge and are assured of privacy. “We have found,” they said, “it better if we just try to have intercourse when we feel like it, and not wait.”

If anything, since Mrs B completed her menopause they make love more frequently than they did in the five years or so before she began it. Their one regret is that they have not more time for sex.

Mr B’s penis is four-and-a-half inches flaccid, six inches erect, and five inches in circumference when erect; that is, of average length but slightly fatter than average. Mrs B’s clitoris is an inch up from her vagina and about the size of a small pea when fully erect; that is, average both in position and size.

When using the conventional face-to-face man on top sex position, he makes circular pelvic movements, not thrusting movements, as his wife finds this movement gives her more satisfaction. His penis does not touch the clitoris directly, but this circular movement massages the general clitoral area and induces a series of rapid orgasms in Mrs B.

The application of this circular movement also explains why Mr B is able to sustain sex for over half an hour, often as long as an hour, before he ejaculates. First, because the circular movement is less tiring than the thrusting one. Second, the movement is much less stimulating to the penis than the backwards-and-forwards movement. Mr B is, therefore, helping himself to increase even more his already excellent level of ejaculatory control.

In other positions, direct penis-clitoris contact is not achieved except in rear-entry sex with Mrs B kneeling. If she supports herself on her hands, contact is not made. However, if she bends right down, with her face on the pillows, there is direct contact, and she can achieve up to nine orgasms in sex lasting three-quarters of an hour.

The experience of the Bs, at 52 and 50 respectively, shows up the dismal failure of Roger and Jane. Mr and Mrs B are a happy couple, very much in love, who have complete faith and trust in one another, not only sexually, but also in life generally. There is no dissatisfaction, no bitterness, and they show that sexual activity in later life can be just as rewarding as in earlier years.