Category Archives: how to please a woman in bed

Unlimited Sexual Pleasure

ENJOY A BETTER SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

Most of us like sex – it’s an essential part of everyday life, and indeed, necessary for good mental and emotional health.

You could say a sexual relationship is a fundamental aspect of human existence. A simple statement to make, but as we all know, while we crave being in a relationship, because a relationship meets our needs, sexual relationships can be anything but simple!

A sexual relaitonship can be anything but simple!
A sexual relationship can be anything but simple!

You may already have discovered in your life that sometimes being in a relationship can be very traumatic for all kinds of reasons….

So in this particular post I want to emphasize one aspect which is greatly underrated as a feature of relationships, but can be particularly important for both men and women who have inhibitions about sex: the benefit of developing sexual skills to a higher level as a way of increasing intimacy.

In short, learning sexual skills like squirting – also known as female ejaculation – can transform a relationship into something very new and exciting.

Video – How To Squirt

I need hardly say that for most male sexual partners, any kind of female squirting orgasm or ejaculation is going to be highly arousing and exciting. And while a woman shouldn’t be basing her sexual pleasure on what her man wants, it can be great for her orgasmic pleasure too! (Watch the videos above to find out why!)

Some experts believe all women can ejaculate, and when no ejaculate appears to be produced, they suggest it is because women who are inhibited clench up so they have retrograde ejaculation.

Sexual Skills and Relationships

Yet another benefit of studying advanced sexual skills like squirting comes when people take the initiative to develop their sexual technique…. it requires good communication and intimacy. Anything which enhances intimacy is a benefit for both partners.

A lot of people are sexually inhibited. As a shadow work practitioner, I always look for emotional wounds to the inner child when somebody is sexually inhibited – or addicted, for that matter.

Fear of sex and addiction to sex both indicate wounds in the Lover Archetype, aka the inner child. Also, people who display a lack of self sexual boundaries are usually deeply wounded in the inner child.

Yet the paradox is that learning about techniques like squirting and multiple orgasm can really help people get over their sexual issues.

From a practical point of view of course it’s also difficult for a couple to enjoy a true sexual relationship – or at least, a truly happy sexual relationship when one partner is wounded in some way.

Learning To Squirt Is Fun

The truth of the matter is that not enjoying sex to the full is an act of self-neglect, since regular good sex has health benefits. It can help you avoid heart disease, high blood pressure and a number of other problems, most of which are going to shorten your life unless you do something about them.

So you could commit to doing something differently that would help you to establish a better sex life – it might be as simple as committing to try one new sexual technique a month.

You may not think this is very significant (or you may think it isn’t very easy), but it is a gesture which says “I care about myself, and I’m going to do something about my fun and happiness!”

At the same time, if you’re in a sexual relationship with a partner, it says something like “I care about you and I want you to be sexually happy and fulfilled”, and actually you ARE going to make yourself more attractive to them!

Men and women who are prepared to address their emotional wounds, get their sex lives under control, and work out why they have sexual issues can gain not only greater physical fitness but also greater emotional health, greater happiness, and a much better relationship by doing so.

It’s for this reason that I highly recommend a highly recommended program by G spot and squirting orgasm expert (a heck of a job description!) Jason Julius. By all accounts appears to be extremely successful. Check it out here.

Women And Orgasm – The Pleasure Of Ejaculation

One of the more interesting articles on female ejaculation, or squirting orgasms, has been published in the Guardian, under the headline “The debate about squirting is actually about whether or not women can be trusted to accurately report their own sexual experiences.”

And that does reflect a fundamental truth about female ejaculation: scientific investigators seem to start from a position where they are trying to disprove its existence.

It’s almost as though there’s something doubtful about the very existence of squirting orgasms, and women can’t be trusted to relate what they’re experiencing.

Male and Female Ejaculation

There are certainly some reasons why that female ejaculation is harder to accept. For one thing, female ejaculation is less noticeable than male ejaculation. In fact, it’s probably recognizable in many cases only to the woman who is experiencing it, and unlike male ejaculation, the evidence of it having happened may not necessarily be very clear.

But when you dig down a little bit further into the phenomenon of squirting orgasms, it’s also true that a denial of female  sexual pleasure is a theme which has run through a widespread patriarchal attitude towards female sexuality for many centuries.

So can we now separate the reality of squirting orgasms and female ejaculation from what men fantasize about, would like to believe is true, and also seem to try and deny?

Well, surely what women say about their sexual experiences serves as evidence of the existence of female ejaculation?

True, but what makes this slightly harder is the fact many women themselves deny the reality of female ejaculation. However, there are significantly more women who have discovered it and know it to be a genuine phenomenon, part of their sexual experience.

Another problem is that almost every conversation on the subject of female ejaculation finally ends up debating the question of whether or not it’s a real phenomenon.

And there’s a whole genre of pornography centered on squirting orgasms. This is not doing us any favours in our attempts to establish what is true and what is not true.

What we do know, however is that there a scientific study conducted by French gynaecologists seems to demonstrate that female ejaculation comes in two forms.

There’s the emission of some kind of pseudo-prostatic fluid from the female Skene’s glands (which resemble male prostate tissue). And second, there’s the expulsion of fluid from the bladder. This is the much more common form of “squirting” which is seen on Internet pornography and erotica.

Regrettably, many people who deny the reality of female ejaculation were delighted to have “evidence” that women were mistaken in thinking female ejaculation was a genuine form of sexual expression.

What a mistake! How could you not have realized, they say, that squirting orgasms are merely arousal-induced urinary incontinence?

Underlying all of this is the assumption that women can’t understand, or can’t describe, what they’re experiencing during sex.

Yet when a woman has ejaculated during sex, she has experienced a unique sensation of sexual arousal, and a unique symptom of orgasmic release.

Every woman who’s ejaculated will know that the fluid they release during squirting orgasms is different to urine.

Also, female ejaculation, squirting, or gushing, call it what you may, feels different from the act of urination. And, let’s remember, the evidence is that the liquid released when a woman comes is fundamentally different to her pee.

And there’s a deeper aspect to all of this, as well: the fact that the physical experience of female ejaculation is simply an expression of female sexual pleasure in its purest form.

Some people insist that female ejaculation is simply urination (or something vaguely similar). But this is a denigration of women’s experience of their own bodies and women’s ability to understand their own sexuality. It also conveys a sense that female sexuality is somehow “dirty” or “less pure” than the male orgasm.

Sure, this is a feminist position. And no wonder! The fact is, the politics of female ejaculation go far beyond the ability of an individual woman to experience sexual pleasure during ejaculation.

In both Britain and Australia scenes of female ejaculation have been “banned” in erotica, on the grounds that all the women are doing is urinating.

(How extraordinary that such material should be banned even if that were true. But that, of course, is another issue.)

Bearing in mind that most women who have female-ejaculated declaim that urination has no part to play in female ejaculation makes this political background feel something like covert censorship of female sexuality.

The reality of female ejaculation

This experiment throws a little light on female ejaculation in general, and squirting orgasms in particular.

The Nature of Squirting

The study was conducted by a gynecologist in France with a mere seven women.

At the start of the experiment the women were asked to empty their bladders and provide a urine sample – an ultrasound scan confirmed that their bladders were empty.

They then had sex with a partner or masturbated until they were close to their squirting orgasms, at which point they were given another pelvic scan and the fluid they emitted was collected, after which a final pelvic scan was performed.

Interestingly enough, although they’d started to receive sexual stimulation when their bladders were completely empty, by the time they were ready to orgasm and female ejaculate, their bladders were full again – and once they had squirted at the moment of orgasm, their bladders were empty.

Squirting orgasms – where does this mysterious fluid come from?

On the face of it you might conclude that the fluid being ejaculated was urine, or that it was some other fluid produced during sexual arousal which had somehow got into the bladder.

However, one of the theories put forward by women who produce squirting orgasms is that fluid from the paraurethral glands may be forced back into the bladder when women unconsciously clamp their muscles down to prevent what they think is incipient urination.

So sadly, it might seem that this experiment doesn’t go very far towards demonstrating what this mysterious fluid which women ejaculate at the point of orgasm actually is….

Even so, a chemical analysis was performed on all of the samples the women produced. Two were like urine, but five of the seven women’s samples showed PSA (prostate-specific antigen) in the fluid they’d squirted, which had not been detected in their initial urine sample.

Although PSA is more commonly associated with male ejaculation, it is also produced by the Skene’s glands near the vagina.

Beverly Whipple, who was responsible for some of the earliest work on female ejaculation has said that in her view the term female ejaculation really has only relevance to the production of a small amount of milky fluid at orgasm, and not the squirting or gushing which was being investigated in this experiment.

In essence what Whipple is saying is that when women squirt or gush at the moment of orgasm they are expelling either urine alone, or urine mixed with liquids and chemicals from the female prostate tissue.

Sidebar: Obviously, in view of the experiment described above, one of the interesting questions here is whether the kidneys work faster and produce more dilute urine during sexual stimulation than at other times.

The critical thing about female ejaculation is that some women – and it seems to be around half of women – have experienced once or more than once the involuntary emission of fluid from the urethra at the amount of orgasm in quantities ranging from 30 to 150 ml.

This this has become known as squirting, although in fairness this term usually refers to a much large quantity of liquid.

No wonder the scientific community is still divided on this question – there are even some who question the very existence of the G spot, while others are still debating how it can be that some women emit as little as 2 – 4 ml of liquid which looks like watered-down milk while others emit large quantities of clear liquid that resembles urine.

What is female ejaculation? Can all women do it?

Clarity & Ejaculation

The debate centres on whether or not the large quantity of liquid which women may release during squirting orgasms comes from the bladder or from the female prostate tissue.

One theory suggests the milky white fluid produced by the female prostate tissue can be forced backward into the bladder (perhaps because a woman clamps down her muscles because she is scared of releasing any liquid during sexual arousal), and this is why the samples tested in the experiment described above contained PSA.

Yet it seems unlikely, intuitively unlikely, that women who self-report the expulsion of large quantities of liquid – say a glassful – during orgasm could really be producing this in their prostate tissue.

Just what conclusions can we draw from all of this work?

Well, good question. The answer is, it seems as though the smaller volume of fluid from the female prostate containing PSA is produced during mechanical stimulation of the G spot.

Larger quantities of liquid emitted during squirting orgasms do appear to come from the bladder, although how this fluid gets there in the first place is a little bit of a mystery.

Science is not very helpful at discovering exactly what female ejaculation is, but perhaps it doesn’t really matter.

Maybe the truth of the matter is that we need to listen to the 80% of women who have ejaculated fluid at climax and say that this ejaculation enhances and enriches their sex life!

In other words, we don’t need to know about the origin of female ejaculation to know that this is something which shows a woman is enjoying a healthy sex life, she’s in a state of relaxation, and stimulation of her G spot adds a whole dimension to her life.

Keep in mind that between 35 and 50% of women say that they’ve experienced squirting orgasms once or more than once. This is not likely to be involuntary release of urine, surely?

The fact that vast numbers of women report the release of this mysterious fluid, without knowing exactly where it comes from, serves to strongly support the idea that female squirting orgasm is a genuine phenomenon that gives women sexual pleasure, and whether it involves urination or not is an irrelevance.

The discovery of female ejaculation

The Discovery of Female Ejaculation

You can trace the origins of female ejaculation right back to sexual liberation in the 1960s, when women burned their bras.

This was all symbolic of a desire amongst women to explore their sexuality freely and fully – rather than just being  objectified as sex objects for men’s pleasure.

Of course fighting against the patriarch in the history of sexual domination by men required empowerment of many different kinds.

For many women, their first empowerment is or was actually having an orgasm – it’s hard to know in retrospect how many women were non-orgasmic in the 1960s, but the figure that has been widely bandied around is 60%.

This astonishing lack of fulfillement is what led to the sexual revolution.

When you think about it that figure of 60% is absolutely astounding. Why? Well, these days, partly due to more relaxed social mores, partly due to the Internet spreading sex education and making erotica freely available, almost every woman would naturally expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity in one way or another.

But things had to start somewhere – and for women to begin masturbating, and even talking openly about sex, was a new development in the 1960s, 70s, and even the 80s.

It was even necessary for women to discover that having fantasies about sex was permissible and acceptable, and that it could help them reach orgasm.

You can see how far away from things like female ejaculation we were until very recently!

In fact, except in a few limited cultures, for most of human history female ejaculation, or squirting as some now call it, was unknown or at best thought of as an abnormality.

In the past most men would not even have been interested in giving women sexual pleasure in this way, either. You see, the sexual dynamic at play in the 1960s to 1970s was that men “used” women to get orgasms, and women “used” sex to get children, protection, money, a settled life. You name it, women have used sex to get it.

A sexual relationship can be used by both men and women to get what they want!

And that’s hardly an empowered position! So, together with a move in society for women to become more empowered in other ways, the 1980s were perhaps the start of the process of sexual liberation, or, more accurately, sexual education.

Role models like Madonna – the pop star – helped make sexual women acceptable, and images of assertive women normal.

Madonna: Sex (Lyrics)

“Soaking wet, Let me get on top, back and forth till we break the bed.”

Cultural Change Around Sexuality Orgasm & Squirting

Along with the cultural change in the way women were perceived, a whole body of work was necessary to encourage women to be truly sexual and to inhabit their sexual personas fully.

This was work done by pioneers like Betty Dodson, Annie Sprinkle, and the early experts in Tantric sexuality.

So through the 1990s and 2000s, women’s sexual exploration of their own bodies continued, with the aid of adult films on the Internet and the burgeoning amount of erotica available for women who could now see what might perhaps be expected in the way of sexual pleasure.

Of course discoveries about female sexuality and the capacity of a woman’s body to produce intense sexual pleasure have continued right up to this day, and I think we could safely say that the Internet has made squirting both normal and acceptable.

What is certainly true of course is that most women now expect to have an orgasm during sexual activity, if not during intercourse itself.

Photos of a woman reaching orgasm during intercourse.

The variety of sexual activities that men and women can enjoy have increased exponentially as knowledge about sexual pleasure has become more widely available.

But even so, there are still very few men who really know how they can make a woman squirt, and it’s fair to say that limited numbers of men and women are exploring female ejaculation.

Squirting

That’s disappointing, because not only does the exploration of human sexuality lead to better orgasms, it actually has something to teach us about ourselves. For one thing, sexual expression can help us in expressing emotions, thoughts, feelings and desires.

True sexual expression – which means uninhibited sexual expression – can help us come more creative and imaginative.

But in addition, being fully informed about the rights and possibilities of sex allows people – perhaps women in particular – to set clear boundaries, and make informed choices about what they want.

In the process we can all become more tolerant and understanding of others who have different sexual expectations and perhaps choose to follow a sexual path that we ourselves find difficult to understand.

All in all, sex can become a means to express oneself.

Sexual development

In the archetypal model of the human personality formed by Carl Jung, there are four main archetypes: the King, the Warrior, the Magician, and the Lover.

Women naturally fall into lover energy when they move into their teens and experience a blossoming of their sexuality. This is a necessary part of their development as women.

And for those teenagers whose sexuality is suppressed and repressed, denied and hidden, the exploration of sexual desire is not only a way of obtaining pleasure, but also  a way to recovering the full energy contained in their lover archetype.

Without this, there can be no full expression of their female, their innate femininity.

Now I’m not suggesting that learning to squirt – discovering how to female ejaculate – is absolutely necessary for a woman to rediscover her sexuality and explore her feminine archetypes, but I know that it certainly helps a woman become more uninhibited, more sexual, and feel her feminine energy flow more easily.

And that’s good for all of us – to become more fully ourselves, by exploring every aspect of our personality – including our sexuality.

In short, the more we care for and honor our sexuality, and the more we develop our innate sexual energy and sexuality, the happier and more well-adjusted – perhaps even fulfilled – we will all become.

Reservations and Inhibitions

Reservations and Inhibitions Around Self Pleasure

Sexually experienced people know that sex is not just about the body and its responses. For that reason, if at the back of your mind or deep in your psyche there is some feeling that masturbation (or sex generally) is wrong or even sinful, it will be much more difficult to relax and feel pleasure, or to feel good afterwards.

Yet our bodies are naturally sexual. The reason that people have hang-ups about sex is that it is often a taboo subject in the family as they grow up. Most of us were given negative or mixed messages about sex and the sexual part of our bodies as we grew up. Take a moment to think about what messages you were given by your parents and teachers about sex and your body.

Have you accepted all their beliefs wholesale? Or have you adapted some of them to suit your own beliefs and values, or even rebelled and rejected those old-fashioned ideas completely? Your parents did what they thought was right, but your body is your own and your life is your own. It is important to nurture in yourself the beliefs that help you grow as a person.

Your body is unique, and you have the right to self-pleasuring, which is a wonderful celebration of your body. If you realize you have inhibitions about sexual pleasure (perhaps feeling it is sinful to enjoy yourself in any way or that you should think of others not yourself) you find shadow work with a qualified facilitator helpful in overcoming these blocks. 

The Power of the Mind: Finding Your Favorite Fantasies

When you start to experience pleasure and arousal in your sessions, you may find some of the ideas that most excite you are not what you might expect or what you might choose consciously.

This is your unconscious mind at work, and it can play a huge part in sexual arousal and orgasm. Many women feel shocked or guilty about their fantasies: but the book My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday is a wonderful collection of fantasies collected from real women. It is worth a read if only to understand the huge variety of women’s fantasies – and you might even find a new one that turns you on!

We would like to emphasize at this point that feeling turned on by erotic material is a normal part of being human. There’s nothing wrong with this, provided that the material which you find arousing is tasteful and respectful of women. 

Oddly enough, some women who are opening themselves up to their erotic and sensuous nature find it hard to recognize their own arousal.

Experiments conducted in the 1970s demonstrated that women will become aroused almost as quickly as men when they watch a film of two people making love, at least if you measure arousal by vaginal lubrication.

However, when questioned, many of these women reported that they did not feel in the least aroused mentally. This probably reflects the fact that it has traditionally not been seen as acceptable for women to enjoy erotic materials.

It may also reflect the fact that a lot of women simply do not recognize the signs of arousal in their own bodiesAgain, we would like to emphasize that this is completely normal and natural when you are beginning to become more aware of your sexuality.

You may even find it necessary to move your attention from the erotic material you are reading or watching to your own body before you can identify whether or not you feel aroused.

Things to look for include vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, throbbing in your genital region, and mentally feeling sexual aroused – whatever form that takes for you. For example, if you have found yourself fantasizing or having unexpected sexual thoughts, could this be a sign of your sexual arousal?

Benefits of sexual pleasuring

It’s important to remember that even if you have reservations about masturbation, it’s only by continuing to explore your body that you will become comfortable with your sensuousness nature and your sexuality. This is why we encourage you to focus on the potential benefits of self-pleasuring. These potential benefits include greater relaxation, greater pleasure, and greater connection with your own body.

So at this point we would like you to consider what it gives you the greatest pleasure in bed. For example, did you notice that different kinds of movements, or different pressures, or different rhythms, gave you the most pleasure? Learning all about your body and what gives you the greatest pleasure is an essential part of becoming a fully sexual woman.

And of course this does not apply only to your genitals. When you are stroking, caressing, or touching other parts of your body, you will also find that different strokes give you different feelings, pleasure, and a different experience.

One of the biggest concerns that women experience when they are learning to self-stimulate is whether or not they are feeling sexual arousal.

However this is actually very unhelpful to the process of becoming more sexually aware, because you begin to “watch” your own feelings and responses, and you become a spectator rather than being fully engaged in the process.

If you find that this is happening to you, simply bring your attention back to what is happening inside your body.

Try and bring your attention to the places where you are touching yourself; and every time you find your attention wandering, simply bring it back to focus on the feeling you get where you are touching yourself.

You probably realize that not every session of self-pleasuring will be the same. On occasions you will be frustrated and think that your progress is too slow. On other occasions you will be delighted at the progress you believe you are making.

This is exactly the way the personal growth happens, and it is important not to criticize yourself if you feel that you are not making the progress that you would wish to do so. It’s also extremely helpful not to compare sessions. Each session is what it is. However, we encourage you to focus on the positive pleasure you get after each session, and to remind yourself about the things that you did well.

So, for example, even feeling just a little bit more comfortable about self-touching, especially about touching your genitals, is something positive and rewarding. The important thing is to focus on the positive, and to congratulate yourself on your success, rather than beating yourself up about the things that didn’t go as you would have wished.

Having said that, you can also learn from the sessions that didn’t go very well. For example, were you distracted by things that you have to do for your friends and family? If so, try and choose a time when you know that there will be no pressure or demands on you, and when you are able to allocate time solely for your own relaxation and self-pleasuring exercises.

 

Discovering the pleasure of self touch

Greater pleasure from self-pleasuring – advice for women

You might have discovered places on your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very pleasurable.

On the other hand, you might feel that nothing you’ve done has resulted in the pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some processes begin imperceptibly.

(Think about how you begin to lose weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your process of change is unique and it doesn’t matter if it takes time. Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that last.

Quite likely you’ll have experienced something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That’s normal, and it’s part of being a woman.

Try to develop an ability to enjoy the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you’re not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you’re learning more about yourself.

Blockages to Arousal

Every difficult or challenging experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that is.

Have you had a stressful day? Did something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMS?

Understanding the things that affect you is really helpful, because sex – with yourself as well as with someone else – rarely works well if you’re stressed. So at these times do something else which helps you relax and feel better.

And ironically sometimes taking the pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication of whether they are likely to get aroused or not.

If you do feel in the mood and begin to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters?

Did your clitoris become too sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused woman to reach stages like a ‘plateau’ and need to rest for a few moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too! It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a little break every so often.

Self-pleasuring for women

If you are really becoming very aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a ‘plateau’, where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don’t worry! It will always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to re-generate arousal.

What if nothing much is happening?

If your practice so far has been pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new sensations, do continue.

Be gentle with yourself and expect it to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for some people. This is an aspect of the Feeling Body archetype. You may not be familiar with the concept of archetypes but they are a useful way of partitioning the activities of the body and mind into different functions. It’s a model which allows us to explore not only how we think and feel, but also how we behave and why our body may not be giving us the pleasure and satisfaction that we desire.

Much of our sexual and romantic energy is stored in the Lover archetype – also known as the Feeling Body. This name is a new concept which build on the idea of archetypes presented in the book King Warrior Magician Lover. You can see the evolution of the concept of the Lover into the concept of the Feeling Body here.

This is an aspect of shadow work (see this for more on shadow work) – shadow being made up of the parts of ourselves that we hide and deny during childhood. As you may well imagine, much of our difficulty around sex comes from childhood issues (read about that here). However, it is possible to rebalance the Lover or Feeling Body archetype and enjoy sexual pleasure at any time of life.

For some women sex has been something which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual process.

Take your time, and also choose your time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just your genitals.

Experience the different sensations and don’t feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not about success or failure. It’s more like a journey where you’ll pass through many different places. Provided what you’re doing is not painful or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than sexual growth.

Focusing on the Positive

After your next session of self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most? What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected? Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you clues for your next session.

For example, if you find you prefer touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris, then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether it’s the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs doesn’t matter.

Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm. 

Women and Orgasm (For Men!)

In the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: few women reach orgasm during intercourse. The majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what can you do if you’re trying to pleasure a woman by bringing her to orgasm?

The difficulty or ease with which a woman reaches orgasm is clearly affected by a range of factors: genetic,  social, emotional, and so on. For example, how much a woman trusts her man will affect how easily he can make her come during sexual interaction.

statistics relating to female orgasmOne issue is simply that there are so many factors that impact on a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm. The same is true, of course, on a man’s ability to give a woman sexual pleasure in bed by making her come or bringing her to orgasm. These include some less obvious factors – for example, sociological issues such as the meaning and acceptability of orgasm in her culture and her social environment.

orgasm during intercourse may be important to many womenAlso, some women feel more comfortable reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse than through masturbation. They may have an association in their minds between clitoral stimulation or masturbation and socially unacceptable or otherwise negative behavior.

Equally, any sexual activity which might threaten the intimacy of a sexual relationship could be potentially threatening for some women. It may be less culturally threatening, too, for some women,  if the man takes responsibility for his woman’s orgasm. And this means some men may be culturally pressured to know how to make a woman come. So we can see that both personality factors and the influence of culture and religion can be very important in the achievement of female sexual pleasure through orgasm. 

Valuing a man who knows how to make a woman come!

In a survey of heterosexual women, John Bancroft asked how important various factors were in reaching orgasm and enjoying sexual happiness. In order of importance, the percentage of women answering “very” or “extremely” important to the following questions were:

1) to feel emotionally close to your partner – 83.5%

2) to feel your partner is sexually satisfied – 78.9%

3) to feel talking comfortable but your partner about – 61.5%

4) to have an orgasm – 29.6%

shows how a man can make a woman come during intercourseThis clearly indicates that intercourse and orgasm have a different significance to women than they do to men. 

Frequency of orgasm

Kinsey showed that, when asked about intercourse in general, 22% of women said they never experience orgasm. By contrast, this number dropped to 14% for “assisted” intercourse (i.e., when clitoral stimulation was specifically included). Among men who are sexually active, 72% claim that they always had an orgasm to climax and ejaculated during intercourse with a partner, 22% said they usually did, 4% said they sometimes did, and 2% said they rarely or never did.

picture of the female g spotHowever, the implication that most women require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm (which is really a simple factual observation) has caused controversy. Some sexologists believe that a man can only bring a woman to orgasmic pleasure through intercourse alone if her G spot has been awakened. This happens through a combination of sexual experience, sexual confidence, and emotional connection to her partner.

Certainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence around sexual orgasm in women. There seems to be a fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Whatever the truth, exploring such issues can be a good motivation for men and women to enjoy sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to really pleasure his partner in the way she would like. Men love to give women pleasure – it is a very affirming experience for them.

Ways to make a woman come

According to Cosmopolitan magazine,  around 10% of women have never had an orgasm with a partner.

sex techniquesAnd that is truly shocking! Considering that the basis of 99% of heterosexual relationships is love and sex, what can be done about it? Well, obviously, one of the things that can be done about it is for men to learn some great sexual techniques to increase a woman’s sexual pleasure. 

So here, courtesy of Cosmo, are some useful tips for women to achieve orgasm during intercourse.  (The text is addressed mainly to women!)

First of all, if you want to come easily, get on top during sexual intercourse. That way, if you lean forward, you can compress your clitoris between your pelvic bone and your  man’s, providing clitoral stimulation – hopefully sufficiently intense to make you come. But the exact angle you’re going to use to achieve climax quickly will depend on how your bodies come together — for example, how big your bellies are.

sex techniquesIf the man is lying on the bed, it might be necessary for him to arch his back a little bit so that his pelvis is raised. This gives you the opportunity to “grind” your clitoris against his pelvis. Hopefully that will make you come.

Now, one of the most important things to remember is that sex isn’t just about finding the right sexual position or technique. The truth of the matter is that women can become far more aroused than men during sex, and although it takes a different set of skills to arouse a woman to the point where she’s going to come than it does to arouse a man to that point. The interesting thing is that a man’s arousal depends to a large extent on how aroused his partner is. 

Some women feel they have to fake orgasm to please their man. Instead, show your partner exactly what you need him to do to make you orgasm. You can say something like “I want to try something new and see if it makes reaching orgasm easier for me.” He’ll understand that! Or you could invite him to masturbate you, showing him exactly where to put his hand or tongue, to make your orgasm easy.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t come during intercourse — and very few women do — then explain to your partner that you like clitoral stimulation. Tell him you want more of this, especially during sex with him, so that you get even more pleasure in bed. 

One of the ways that you can introduce the subject tactfully without hurting his feelings is by suggesting you enjoy some mutual masturbation to get you both aroused. 

A general tip:  you’ve no doubt heard of Kegel exercises? Believe me, Kegel exercises are one of the things that will make reaching orgasm a heck of a lot easier! You do need resistance, though, it’s no use just contracting the muscle as if you were stopping yourself urinating. That means buying something like the Kegel Master, a device specially designed for women to increase the strength of their PC muscles and hopefully make achieving orgasm easier for them. 

However – there are other approaches that depend on slight changes in sexual position to give you much greater pleasure.In the classic missionary position, you can tilt your hips so that you’re directing his penis to the right spot inside your vagina. That “right spot” is the one most likely to make you come!

Alternatively, if he’s keen on giving you sexual pleasure in bed, you can grab hold of his hips and move him in exactly the way you need  so that his erection stimulates your clitoris or vulva.

Pleasure in bed comes in many ways  

So, during sex, it’s always possible for you, or him, to “lend a helping hand. ” In other words, for you or him to stimulate your clitoris, thereby helping yourself reach orgasm easily. Similarly, if you’re actually lying face down in the rather nice and comfy position that is called “reverse missionary”, then one option is view to grind your clitoris against a pillow or the bed itself.

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who ejaculate during intercourse develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s ex educator Laci Green on “Squirting”

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come and to give and receive sexual pleasure in bed!