Category Archives: secrets of the female orgasm

Good Sex and Good Orgasms

Coming To Good Sex

Many men want to know how to make a woman come, but experiencing sexual arousal and reaching orgasm follow different paths in a woman than they do in a man.

As a man, you’re no doubt very experienced in reaching orgasm – you’ve probably been practicing since you were a teenager! 

Male sexual pleasure is generally much more easily achieved than female pleasure.

You know that a regular rhythm of stimulation to the penis, either gentle and soft, or hard and fast, according to your personal preference and sensitivity, will generally result in an orgasm very quickly. The orgasm might be long or short, depending on how long it is since you last ejaculated, but in general it’ll be pleasurable to a greater or lesser degree.

You then lose interest in sex and your sexual arousal drops quickly, but in general it’s quite a short time before you’re interested in having another orgasm – although as men age, the time between orgasms tends to increase.

For a woman, this kind of mechanical stimulus and response doesn’t apply so much. Knowing how to make a woman come depends on many factors.

One of the reasons for this is that women tend to be much more dependent on emotional and mental stimuli for orgasm than men are.

Pleasuring a woman in bed is easy
What she thinks of as satisfaction may be very different from what he thinks of as satisfaction!

So for example, a romantic and loving atmosphere, in comfortable and pleasant surroundings, with a partner who is not only liked but trusted, are precursors for most women to reach orgasm easily.

Sure, we’ve all heard of the one night stands that young women in particular are enjoying these days, but the truth of the matter is that for most women, the old standards still apply: while having sex is easy, reaching orgasm is not so easy… unless there’s a romantic atmosphere and a partner who is appreciated, trusted and loved present.

Further, there’s a degree of skill required on a man’s part when he seeks to make a woman come, or to stimulate a woman to orgasm, because he has to know how to be sensitive to her level of arousal, and to “follow” her arousal as it dips and increases during sexual stimulation.

Finally, since most women do reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, it’s essential that a woman’s sexual partner is skilled in stimulating her clitoris in a way that is going to please her and make her reach orgasm.

Sexual Intercourse and Orgasm

The reality is that sexual intercourse alone does not make most women come. The simple reason for this is that the clitoris doesn’t receive the necessary level of stimulation.

Regardless of what you read or hear about G spot orgasms, or vaginal orgasms, the majority of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, although the intensity and pleasure of her orgasm might be increased if she has a penis or finger inside her vagina at the time she reaches orgasm.

But, much as you might not like to hear it, women don’t reach orgasm through thrusting during intercourse alone. Or rather, the vast majority of them do not reach orgasm this way. (The coital alignment technique may offer an exception to this.)

Figures vary, according to who you read, and what agenda they’re pushing, about how many women are able to reach orgasm through intercourse, but I think it’s fair to say that it’s around 10 to 15%.

Just to make it clear, we’re talking about sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation: lots of women can reach orgasm during intercourse if either they or their partner also stimulates the clitoris with either fingers or a vibrator, but enjoyable though that might be, it’s not the same thing as a man making a woman come with thrusting alone. 

So how can you bring a woman to orgasm, to make her come, reliably?

Well, the first thing is that you’re probably going to be looking for a technique which appeals to your particular partner.

Most women like oral sex – in fact, there are many surveys which demonstrate that women’s favourite sexual activity is oral pleasure with a trusted partner, but I think it requires quite a mature man to be able to take a woman from the beginning of her arousal to orgasm through oral stimulation alone.

Video – Can women come through intercourse alone?

For one thing, oral stimulation can be slightly uncomfortable if the woman is lying on the bed, and any discomfort a man experiences such as a cricked neck or pain in his back, is going to distract him from his focus on pleasuring his woman. Bringing her to orgasm requires attention, focus, and more than anything, a kind of mental state where you’re really focused on what you’re doing – giving your partner an orgasm – rather than thinking about distractions.

Some women prefer to reach orgasm in other ways: from frottage, the rubbing of bodies together, manual stimulation (masturbation), or using a vibrator – these are all high on the list of pleasurable sexual techniques that can give woman orgasmic satisfaction.

But the thing is, if you’re a man, you probably assume you should know how to make a woman reach orgasm without being told. Regrettably, that’s a common impression in our culture: something to do with the inherent cultural expectations put on men. The truth is that all women are different, in both major and minor ways, but they all have different expectations and requirements of their sexual partner.

So how are you going to know what your partner wants if you don’t ask her?

You can’t simply assume that because you knew how to make your previous woman come with a certain type of stimulation, your current girlfriend is going to respond in a similar way! Indeed, doing so is a recipe for disaster! As a sexual technique, this ranks somewhere alongside asking a woman “Have you come yet?” (i.e. it’s a very bad idea!)

Women’s Experience Of Orgasm

shere hite - the hite reportIn the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: a substantial majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what do you do if you’re trying to make a woman come?

picture of the female g spotEven that assertion, a simple factual observation, can raise controversial conclusions, since some experts believe that only when the G spot has been awakened by sexual experience or emotional connection to the partner  can a man make a woman come through vaginal stimulation alone.

picture the clitorisCertainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence which suggests that there is some fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Even now, after all the work that has been conducted on the experience of orgasm, it’s not understood why orgasm produces such intense pleasure. This reflects the difficulty of associating subjective experiences such as orgasmic pleasure with neurophysiological events inside the brain.

Yet it is a good motivation for men and women to seek sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to make a woman come!

Certainly the production of endorphins in the brain has been implicated in the excitement and pleasure of the orgasmic experience.

There is however a major difference between men and women in terms of the return of the various physiological aspects of the body to normality after sexual climax.

The refractory period, that is to say the period after orgasm during which an individual remains unresponsive to further sexual stimulation, is much longer in a man than a woman. Indeed it’s not uncommon to find that a woman can experience repeated – or multiple – orgasms in a short period.

0rgasmThis doesn’t mean that women don’t have a refractory period; rather, it means we just don’t know what it might be or what it might look like. Kinsey reported that only 14% of the women in his research were capable of multiple climax on a regular basis. And men can learn how to make a woman come on a regular basis.

But although there may be many women who have not achieved their full potential in this area, the research has simply not been conducted to understand exactly how many women are capable of multiple orgasm, nor indeed how many would wish to experience them, nor has there been any investigation of the conditions under which this phenomenon might be achieved.

 

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who undergo the experience of female ejaculation, as men who learn how to bring a woman off, how to make her come, in this way, will well know, appear to develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s our favorite sex educator, Laci Green, on How To Make A Woman Come:

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come!

It’s much more likely there is a potential for orgasm during intercourse, but the success of reproduction is by no means dependent on female orgasm, and nor is the female orgasm dependent on the experience of sexual intercourse.

How To Make A Woman Come

Don’t Know How To Give A Woman An Orgasm?

A lot of sexual practice (i.e. having a lot of sexual intercourse) can help a man learn how to make a woman come consistently.

Years of  intercourse seem to increase a woman’s attainment of orgasm. But the elaborateness of the sexual stimulation delivered to women is not correlated with sexual responsiveness…. now, why would that be?

For example, the number of intercourse positions a couple use and the length of foreplay had no particular correlations with how to make a woman orgasm consistently.

photo of a woman reaching orgasmBeyond knowing a bit about a woman’s erogenous zones, the factors facilitating sexual arousal seem to be largely emotional and interpersonal, involving feelings of intimacy, closeness, trust, dependability and love.

Even so, women with orgasm difficulties may criticize their sex partners for not being sufficiently expert to stimulate them properly, for not knowing how to make them come.

Many questions about female sexuality are still not really understood. These questions include:

1. How does culture affect the social factors which make a woman orgasm more or less easily? 

image of women in different culturesA study here would provide an opportunity for directly evaluating the idea that cultural factors play a role in a woman finding she cannot orgasm easily.

Being unable to ejaculate is sometimes a problem for men, but it is not a condition which has any obvious counterpart in women, where anorgasmia or low libido are probably the most common sexual dysfunctions.

When a woman cannot climax she is much more likely not to have experienced her father as a dependable love object than a woman who reaches orgasm easily.

man making woman come - a western woman being made to come by her male partner3. A related question is around the possible role of the male partner: does he know how to make a woman come easily and quickly?

Her feelings about his lack of dependability as a love object may mean she cannot orgasm so easily.

A study on this would probably have to be carried out on married couples.

The attributes of the partner reflecting his dependability might well be correlated with his woman’s tendency to reach orgasm easily. You could evaluate the man with respect to traits such as conscientiousness and ability to identify with his woman, and you could also find out how much confidence she had in him.

Parallel to such inquiries, it would be informative to have a sample of men keep “diaries” in which they would record how often they know successfully made the woman come over a period of time. 

4 Does orgasm consistency decline when the partner is planning to be away from home for a while? Do crises in the family, such as illness of children or financial difficulties, make it more likely she cannot get off?

If a woman loses one of her close friends does this adversely affect her ability to get off by increasing her uncertainty about the dependability of objects?

Does successful achievement in life influence a woman’s orgasmic potential? Do periods of sexual deprivation make her less likely to get off? Check out this  personal account: I just do not know how to make a woman come!

5 How does sexual excitement build up to orgasmic levels?

One thing that certainly might make a difference to a woman’s capacity to reach orgasm is her husband’s ability to hold his ejaculation in check.

Any man who has a tendency to ejaculate too quickly should seek out help with some kind of program for premature ejaculation treatment which might enable him to last longer during intercourse before he ejaculates.

Furthermore, it might prove of value in helping to develop practical procedures that would enable a man to make a woman orgasm more easily.

6. What are possible treatment procedures for increasing orgasm consistency in women who have sexual response difficulties?

For example, one could compare joint counseling with a more complex therapy that focuses on the history of a woman’s relationships with her father.

7. How do different women experience their male sex partners when receiving clitoral or vaginal stimulation?

How much do the men know about how to make a woman climax? To what extent do sexual techniques and positions, and knowledge of female sexual anatomy and female sexual behavior, create a man’s ability to give her an orgasm?