Category Archives: secrets of the female orgasm

How To Make A Woman Come

Men: Want To Know How To Give A Woman An Orgasm?

As any man who’s been in a relationship with a woman is likely to understand, women don’t always appreciate the male approach to problems – fixing. Doing something.

Sometimes women just want to talk, share and feel their emotions.

So if you want to know how to give a woman an orgasm, it’s important to avoid that very masculine approach to making her come – that is,  treating your sexual experience with her like it’s some kind of a challenge or problem to be fixed.

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If You Want To Give Her An Orgasm, Start By Making Her Feel Good

If you want to make a woman come, you need to adopt an approach to sex which makes her feel like you’re right there with her. She needs to know you are sharing the experience, loving every minute of it, enjoying the sensuality, and feeling intimate with her.

But good gracious, I hear you say, you’re a man, how can you do that emotional stuff and give a woman an orgasm at the same time?

Well, it’s possible. The answer is to be so confident in your sexual skills with a woman that you can relax. That way you can bring her off AND you’ll feel close to her at the same time. And when you really know how to give a woman an orgasm, she’ll feel your confidence and respond to it.

What You Read About Female Orgasm May Not Help Much

If you look around the Internet, much of material that’s been published about how to make a woman come, how to help her achieve orgasm, is very much along the lines of an instruction manual.

But knowing how to give a girl an orgasm isn’t just about knowing the fastest way to bring her to orgasm. It’s about knowing how to make a woman come, as well as knowing how to make her happy. It’s about being sure you know how to please her in bed physically, and satisfy her emotionally both in and out of bed.

So let’s get started on this definitely non-instruction-manual approach to satisfying sex and pleasing a woman in bed.

There are many ways you can help a woman to reach orgasm.

But first and foremost among them is what we could call “unconscious foreplay”. In other words, you show her how much you love her and how much you want to share pleasure with her in subtle ways that mean a great deal to any woman.

You might want to leave a romantic love note in her underwear drawer which she’s going to find after you’ve left for work, or you might want to send her flowers unexpectedly, so she gets a delivery while you’re out of the house. You might want to send her a romantic text message, or to spend more time kissing and hugging her, so that she knows how valuable she is to you.

laughing couple cuddling in bed

Just being together and intimate is a great way to start out when you’re aiming to please a woman by bringing her to orgasm.That’s what we call good foreplay!

Most men find foreplay a trifle tedious, but it doesn’t have to be. If you incorporate foreplay into every aspect of your daily life, it can be fun!

This is the kind of romancing that a woman needs to make her feel sexual.

You know that old cliche about men needing sex to feel loving? Well it’s true, and so is the other one, about women needing to be loved to feel sexy.

So, moving on, did you know that most women find kissing extremely sexy? That women love to kiss, provided it’s done skilfully and with love and care? Studies have shown that kissing your partner reduces the level of cortisol in your system.

And to revert to an instruction manual approach for a minute, get this: as you kiss her, tilt your head to the right. Apparently scientists in Germany found this has more of a positive impact on a woman than any other orientation. Though this seems somewhat improbable, it apparently makes her think of you as more caring. This causes her brain to produce more oxytocin, which the hormone that influences bonding. Who knew?

Another thing. When you have her in a romantic, ahem, situation, you’re not simply going to kiss her mouth, are you? Women’s bodies are sensitive all over, and they respond well to gentle and sensitive kissing.

Sexual Pleasuring 

Of course the main objective here is to ensure you know how to give a woman an orgasm. So, let’s suppose you’re with her in an intimate situation and you’re beginning to take off some clothes.

Each time you, or she, takes off some article of clothing, stand back for a moment and look at her body and admire it. Women can be very self-conscious a woman about their appearance, particularly in a sexual situation. This is because they constantly appraise how beautiful or attractive they are, mostly in comparison to other women, but also in comparison to some internal standard of beauty that they live by.

Your woman wants and needs nothing more than to be appreciated, admired, reassured and cherished. She needs this not just once, but over and over again. By doing this you can make a woman feel confident about her body.

woman looking seductively at her man

Keep telling her how beautiful her body is and how sexy and attractive she is… that will relax her mind and body and so make her more likely to reach orgasm.And of course when she feels confident about her body, she’s also going to feel sexy. That’s because she can relax into her physicality, and open up to the possibility of reaching orgasm without fear of judgement from you.

You’ve probably heard many times that when you’re trying to make a woman come, when you’re trying to get a girl to orgasm, you don’t go straight for the parts of her body that might be most attractive to you – breasts, clitoris, vulva and so on.

You need to tease her, working your way round to her vulva and breasts, gently stroking up towards her vulva and then veering off the last minute, for example.

This teasing is going to raise her anticipation and will get her more aroused. This is going to make her orgasm more easily, and the more excited she is, the more powerful her orgasm will be!

When you finally do move from stroking her body to stroking her sexually sensitive areas, make sure you do it right. You have to know how to give a woman an orgasm so you’re confident in bed, remember?

Take Your Time Before Penetration!

You might be accustomed to turning her on, and then, just as she’s getting aroused, plunging into her, thrusting vigorously, and reaching your own orgasm quickly.

Now, although that might be an attractive recipe for your sexual menu, it’s not going to do very much for her. In fact it’s probably going to leave her “hanging”, aroused and unsatisfied, without an orgasm. And you really don’t want her to masturbate to orgasm after you’ve gone to sleep, do you? Do you? No, of course not…..

So the most reliable route to orgasm, the easiest way to bring a woman off is to enjoy oral sex with her.

However, what a woman wants in the way of oral clitoral stimulation is probably specific to her, so you’re going to have to be sensitive to her responses. She’s going to show you if she likes what you’re doing by means of her bodily movements and the sounds she makes.

If she’s aroused she’ll probably raise her vulva towards your mouth. If you feel her body moving away from your mouth slightly, then you may need to change what you’re doing to turn her on more.

But if you hear her moaning, keep doing what you’re doing, and keep the pace steady. Unlike you, she’s going to want a steady rhythm of stimulation until she’s very near orgasm (then you can speed up).

Stimulation of the clitoris is a great way to bring a woman to orgasm!
Oral stimulation of her body can be a great way to bring a woman to orgasm. Only a small percentage of women can reach orgasm through intercourse alone.

If you can bring her off with oral pleasure (cunnilingus), and she’ll most likely be very grateful for that, because most women say that oral pleasure is their very favourite sexual activity.

The best estimate is that around 15% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. 

So, the simple truth is that if you want to make a woman come, if you want to give a woman an orgasm, you are most likely going to do it with oral or manual pleasuring before intercourse.

The great thing is that after she’s come she will probably welcome you into her body! And you’ll enjoy intercourse much more because she’s aroused and satisfied, and her vagina will be warm, wet, and ready for penetration.

Here are some more important pointers!

First, a lot of sexual practice (i.e. having a lot of sexual intercourse) can help a man learn how to make a woman come consistently.

Years of intercourse seem to increase a woman’s attainment of orgasm. But the elaborateness of the sexual stimulation delivered to women is not correlated with sexual responsiveness…. now, why would that be?

For example, the number of intercourse positions a couple use and the length of foreplay had no particular correlations with how to make a woman orgasm consistently.

photo of a woman reaching orgasmBeyond knowing a bit about a woman’s erogenous zones, the factors facilitating sexual arousal seem to be largely emotional and interpersonal, involving feelings of intimacy, closeness, trust, dependability and love.

Even so, women with orgasm difficulties may criticize their sex partners for not being sufficiently expert to stimulate them properly, for not knowing how to make them come.

Many questions about female sexuality are still not really understood. These questions include:

1. How does culture affect the social factors which make a woman orgasm more or less easily? 

image of women in different culturesA study here would provide an opportunity for directly evaluating the idea that cultural factors play a role in a woman finding she cannot orgasm easily.

Being unable to ejaculate is sometimes a problem for men, but it is not a condition which has any obvious counterpart in women, where anorgasmia or low libido are probably the most common sexual dysfunctions.

When a woman cannot climax she is much more likely not to have experienced her father as a dependable love object than a woman who reaches orgasm easily.

man making woman come - a western woman being made to come by her male partner3. A related question is around the possible role of the male partner: does he know how to make a woman come easily and quickly?

Her feelings about his lack of dependability as a love object may mean she cannot orgasm so easily.

A study on this would probably have to be carried out on married couples.

The attributes of the partner reflecting his dependability might well be correlated with his woman’s tendency to reach orgasm easily. You could evaluate the man with respect to traits such as conscientiousness and ability to identify with his woman, and you could also find out how much confidence she had in him.

Parallel to such inquiries, it would be informative to have a sample of men keep “diaries” in which they would record how often they know successfully made the woman come over a period of time. 

4 Does orgasm consistency decline when the partner is planning to be away from home for a while? Do crises in the family, such as illness of children or financial difficulties, make it more likely she cannot get off?

If a woman loses one of her close friends does this adversely affect her ability to get off by increasing her uncertainty about the dependability of objects?

Does successful achievement in life influence a woman’s orgasmic potential? Do periods of sexual deprivation make her less likely to get off? Check out this  personal account: I just do not know how to make a woman come!

5 How does sexual excitement build up to orgasmic levels?

One thing that certainly might make a difference to a woman’s capacity to reach orgasm is her husband’s ability to hold his ejaculation in check.

Any man who has a tendency to ejaculate too quickly should seek out help with some kind of program for premature ejaculation treatment which might enable him to last longer during intercourse before he ejaculates.

Furthermore, it might prove of value in helping to develop practical procedures that would enable a man to make a woman orgasm more easily.

6. What are possible treatment procedures for increasing orgasm consistency in women who have sexual response difficulties?

For example, one could compare joint counseling with a more complex therapy that focuses on the history of a woman’s relationships with her father.

7. How do different women experience their male sex partners when receiving clitoral or vaginal stimulation?

How much do the men know about how to make a woman climax? To what extent do sexual techniques and positions, and knowledge of female sexual anatomy and female sexual behavior, create a man’s ability to give her an orgasm?

Good Sex and Good Orgasms

Coming To Good Sex

Many men want to know how to make a woman come, but experiencing sexual arousal and reaching orgasm follow different paths in a woman than they do in a man.

As a man, you’re no doubt very experienced in reaching orgasm – you’ve probably been practicing since you were a teenager! 

Male sexual pleasure is generally much more easily achieved than female pleasure.

You know that a regular rhythm of stimulation to the penis, either gentle and soft, or hard and fast, according to your personal preference and sensitivity, will generally result in an orgasm very quickly. The orgasm might be long or short, depending on how long it is since you last ejaculated, but in general it’ll be pleasurable to a greater or lesser degree.

You then lose interest in sex and your sexual arousal drops quickly, but in general it’s quite a short time before you’re interested in having another orgasm – although as men age, the time between orgasms tends to increase.

For a woman, this kind of mechanical stimulus and response doesn’t apply so much. Knowing how to make a woman come depends on many factors.

One of the reasons for this is that women tend to be much more dependent on emotional and mental stimuli for orgasm than men are.

Pleasuring a woman in bed is easy
What she thinks of as satisfaction may be very different from what he thinks of as satisfaction!

So for example, a romantic and loving atmosphere, in comfortable and pleasant surroundings, with a partner who is not only liked but trusted, are precursors for most women to reach orgasm easily.

Sure, we’ve all heard of the one night stands that young women in particular are enjoying these days, but the truth of the matter is that for most women, the old standards still apply: while having sex is easy, reaching orgasm is not so easy… unless there’s a romantic atmosphere and a partner who is appreciated, trusted and loved present.

Further, there’s a degree of skill required on a man’s part when he seeks to make a woman come, or to stimulate a woman to orgasm, because he has to know how to be sensitive to her level of arousal, and to “follow” her arousal as it dips and increases during sexual stimulation.

Finally, since most women do reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, it’s essential that a woman’s sexual partner is skilled in stimulating her clitoris in a way that is going to please her and make her reach orgasm.

Sexual Intercourse and Orgasm

The reality is that sexual intercourse alone does not make most women come. The simple reason for this is that the clitoris doesn’t receive the necessary level of stimulation.

Regardless of what you read or hear about G spot orgasms, or vaginal orgasms, the majority of women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation, although the intensity and pleasure of her orgasm might be increased if she has a penis or finger inside her vagina at the time she reaches orgasm.

But, much as you might not like to hear it, women don’t reach orgasm through thrusting during intercourse alone. Or rather, the vast majority of them do not reach orgasm this way. (The coital alignment technique may offer an exception to this.)

Figures vary, according to who you read, and what agenda they’re pushing, about how many women are able to reach orgasm through intercourse, but I think it’s fair to say that it’s around 10 to 15%.

Just to make it clear, we’re talking about sexual intercourse without any additional clitoral stimulation: lots of women can reach orgasm during intercourse if either they or their partner also stimulates the clitoris with either fingers or a vibrator, but enjoyable though that might be, it’s not the same thing as a man making a woman come with thrusting alone. 

So how can you bring a woman to orgasm, to make her come, reliably?

Well, the first thing is that you’re probably going to be looking for a technique which appeals to your particular partner.

Most women like oral sex – in fact, there are many surveys which demonstrate that women’s favourite sexual activity is oral pleasure with a trusted partner, but I think it requires quite a mature man to be able to take a woman from the beginning of her arousal to orgasm through oral stimulation alone.

Video – Can women come through intercourse alone?

For one thing, oral stimulation can be slightly uncomfortable if the woman is lying on the bed, and any discomfort a man experiences such as a cricked neck or pain in his back, is going to distract him from his focus on pleasuring his woman. Bringing her to orgasm requires attention, focus, and more than anything, a kind of mental state where you’re really focused on what you’re doing – giving your partner an orgasm – rather than thinking about distractions.

Some women prefer to reach orgasm in other ways: from frottage, the rubbing of bodies together, manual stimulation (masturbation), or using a vibrator – these are all high on the list of pleasurable sexual techniques that can give woman orgasmic satisfaction.

But the thing is, if you’re a man, you probably assume you should know how to make a woman reach orgasm without being told. Regrettably, that’s a common impression in our culture: something to do with the inherent cultural expectations put on men. The truth is that all women are different, in both major and minor ways, but they all have different expectations and requirements of their sexual partner.

So how are you going to know what your partner wants if you don’t ask her?

You can’t simply assume that because you knew how to make your previous woman come with a certain type of stimulation, your current girlfriend is going to respond in a similar way! Indeed, doing so is a recipe for disaster! As a sexual technique, this ranks somewhere alongside asking a woman “Have you come yet?” (i.e. it’s a very bad idea!)

Women’s Experience Of Orgasm

shere hite - the hite reportIn the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: a substantial majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what do you do if you’re trying to make a woman come?

picture of the female g spotEven that assertion, a simple factual observation, can raise controversial conclusions, since some experts believe that only when the G spot has been awakened by sexual experience or emotional connection to the partner  can a man make a woman come through vaginal stimulation alone.

picture the clitorisCertainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence which suggests that there is some fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Even now, after all the work that has been conducted on the experience of orgasm, it’s not understood why orgasm produces such intense pleasure. This reflects the difficulty of associating subjective experiences such as orgasmic pleasure with neurophysiological events inside the brain.

Yet it is a good motivation for men and women to seek sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to make a woman come!

Certainly the production of endorphins in the brain has been implicated in the excitement and pleasure of the orgasmic experience.

There is however a major difference between men and women in terms of the return of the various physiological aspects of the body to normality after sexual climax.

The refractory period, that is to say the period after orgasm during which an individual remains unresponsive to further sexual stimulation, is much longer in a man than a woman. Indeed it’s not uncommon to find that a woman can experience repeated – or multiple – orgasms in a short period.

0rgasmThis doesn’t mean that women don’t have a refractory period; rather, it means we just don’t know what it might be or what it might look like. Kinsey reported that only 14% of the women in his research were capable of multiple climax on a regular basis. And men can learn how to make a woman come on a regular basis.

But although there may be many women who have not achieved their full potential in this area, the research has simply not been conducted to understand exactly how many women are capable of multiple orgasm, nor indeed how many would wish to experience them, nor has there been any investigation of the conditions under which this phenomenon might be achieved.

 

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who undergo the experience of female ejaculation, as men who learn how to bring a woman off, how to make her come, in this way, will well know, appear to develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s our favorite sex educator, Laci Green, on How To Make A Woman Come:

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come!

It’s much more likely there is a potential for orgasm during intercourse, but the success of reproduction is by no means dependent on female orgasm, and nor is the female orgasm dependent on the experience of sexual intercourse.