Considering how much space on the Internet is devoted to sex in general, and videos of women having orgasms in particular, it might come as quite a surprise to learn that lots of women complain they’re not getting the sex – or the orgasms – they want.
So before we go any further, let’s look at
How To Give A Woman An Orgasm:
A Step by Step Guide
- Take your time. Research shows 90% of women will reach orgasm with at least 15 to 20 minutes of sexplay.
- Make sure she comes first. The conventional way of making love – foreplay, penetration, male orgasm – leaves many women unsatisfied and without an orgasm. A much better approach is for the couple to agree that “women come first”! After she’s achieved orgasm, she’ll be ready for penetration and intimacy with her man. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that women experience the same loss of interest in sex after orgasm as men do….. in fact, after orgasm, a woman generally is ready for more intimate contact with her lover.
- Use the proven trio of stimulation methods to give your woman an orgasm: a combination of deep kissing, oral pleasure, and manual stimulation. This is by far the best way to bring a woman to orgasm – and we know women find kissing really romantic and exciting, a real turn on which is intimate, connecting and arousing.
- Find all her erotic hotspots. Grafenberg, who discovered the G spot, made the point that a woman has many “erotogenic zones” (what we would now call erogenous zones) all over her body. And one of the hottest of these hotspots is her G spot. This is located on the anterior wall of the vagina and finger stimulation during sexplay is a great way of supplementing clitoral stimulation for any man seeking to give a woman an orgasm.
- Kiss deeply, sensitively, and for prolonged periods of time. Remember that most women find kissing a really romantic part of lovemaking and female sexual response.
- Enjoy lots of physical intimacy. You’ve heard it said that a woman’s biggest sex organ is her mind – well, it may be, but a close second is her skin. A woman’s entire body is a sensitive, tactile, sexual organ which responds to touch with increasing sexual arousal and the anticipation of more sexual touch, on the breasts or genitals. This will make a woman emotionally ready for sexual connection with her man. In short, lots of gentle stroking and touching are a good way to arouse her, long before you’re anywhere near her breasts or vulva.
- Ensure the environment is conducive to her relaxation and pleasure. Women generally need to feel safe to reach orgasm easily. A relaxed, safe atmosphere and a comfortable place to make love are almost essential to achieving orgasm.
- Be careful how you approach her clitoris or breasts. Take things slowly, and be subtle and gentle with your movements and stimulate her more as things get hotter.
- When she shows signs of arousal, maintain the speed and rhythm of what you’re doing. Remember regular movements are good – don’t change what you’re doing if she’s showing signs of enjoying herself!
- Find out how she likes her clitoris to be stimulated. Stimulation of her clitoris is the most effective way to bring her to orgasm, so it’s important that you know how to stimulate it in a way she likes – and how to do it sensitively.
- Ensure you have plenty of lubrication when it comes to penetration. Although many women will already be lubricated from natural vaginal lubrication if they have already reached orgasm, a gentle oil such as almond oil or coconut oil can really make things easier. And remember artificial lubricants can contain chemicals which may produce an allergic reaction.
- And don’t be offended if she doesn’t come. The best way to deal with this is to watch her bring herself off during her self-pleasuring so you can see what she likes. And ask her what she wants: if she doesn’t tell you, you’re never going to find out. If you’re in any doubt about what she likes, ask her to demonstrate: that can be real turn on for both of you.
The Elusive Female Orgasm
Just consider the statistics: at least two thirds of adult women admit they’ve faked orgasms more than once. Three quarters of women have had sex with a man who reached orgasm but didn’t take any interest in giving the woman an orgasm.
About four women out of ten said their partners weren’t giving them enough clitoral stimulation and a massive five out of ten said they often couldn’t quite tip over the edge into their orgasm.
And there’s no doubt women want orgasms – I mean, why wouldn’t they?
Men regard an orgasm during sex as an entitlement, but there isn’t the same mindset around women’s orgasms. Well, it’s time for this to change!
It’s surprising how recently women weren’t apparently bothered about orgasms – as recently as the 1970s, you could find plenty of women who didn’t know what an orgasm was. But that’s all changed, thank heavens.
We now know that women are capable of multiple orgasms – if anything, they’re more orgasmic than men… provided the circumstances are right.
I’m assuming most of the readers of this page are going to be men, but just in case any women happen to be reading, let me say the idea that men “give a woman an orgasm” isn’t quite right.
It’s the woman who relaxes into orgasm, and it’s the man who “facilitates” this process. But we recognize that a lot of men like to feel they know how to give a woman an orgasm – there’s something about male pride in that. And that’s fine, provided both partners in a couple are happy with it.
By the way, the female orgasm is very similar to the male orgasm – it starts with increasing arousal, which involves changes in the breathing rate, blood pressure, circulation, the subjective sense of excitement and sexual arousal, and that’s followed by a rapidly increasing level of arousal which reaches a point where there’s a massive release of tension in orgasm. An orgasm releases both emotional and physical tension.
Of course in a man there’s also usually the ejaculation of semen at the point of orgasm (although men on prostate medication may not ejaculate, and men who have had a prostate operation may find their ejaculations are weak or absent).
Quite a lot of women can come and come again – often within just a couple of minutes of their first orgasm – this is what having multiple orgasms is all about.
For men, discovering how to give a woman multiple orgasms is an art in itself.
However, this may not be something you’re interested in, as many women say they’re not bothered about getting multiple orgasms if their first orgasm is big enough and powerful enough to provide them with sexual fulfilment, pleasure and satisfaction.
What’s The Difference Between Male and Female Orgasm?
For most men, reaching orgasm is pretty easy – though again there are exceptions, in this case for men who have delayed ejaculation – they find it difficult to come (read more about this here).
Stimulation of the penis will bring most men to orgasm quite quickly.
And that’s true, of course, in almost any circumstances, whether or not a man’s with a loved partner. In fact, men can achieve orgasm if their penis is stimulated the right way even when they’re with someone they don’t particularly like.
- And that’s the first major difference between men and women: bringing a woman to orgasm, or giving her an orgasm, isn’t just a mechanical process.
- There’s a huge emotional element involved in reaching orgasm for most women.
- Most women need to feel both loved and liked, and to be with a partner who they like.
- They also want to be cherished and respected.
- They need to be aroused sufficiently to produce ample lubricant to avoid friction. (Supplemental lube is sometimes needed.)
- They may want a romantic atmosphere and comfortable surroundings.
- And they certainly want a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris so that the woman reaches orgasm.
You see the thing is guys, although you might believe that thrusting away in her vagina is going to bring her to orgasm, the evidence is against you!
Only a small minority of women reach orgasm through vaginal thrusting and generally they are sexually mature women who have a lot of experience of sexual pleasure.
So, as a man, it’s worth remembering that you need to look beyond the physical and on to the emotional if you’re going to give a woman orgasm successfully.
By the way, in case you don’t know, the reason sexual intercourse alone does not bring most women to orgasm is because thrusting of the penis in the vagina doesn’t stimulate the clitoris. And as we’ve already mentioned, most women come through clitoral stimulation.
That stimulation is generally provided either by fingers or by oral sex – in other words, by cunnilingus.
If a woman is uncertain of her sexual ability, she might be persuaded by a man that she “should” be able to come – or cum – through intercourse alone. It’s a complete myth.
In general, the most successful recipe for most couples is for the man to bring the woman to orgasm first, either through oral pleasure or through stimulation of her clitoris with his fingers, possibly with the insertion of a sex toy or another finger or two in her vagina, and then for him to take his own pleasure by making love to her. (In other words, having sexual intercourse.)
In this way, the woman is brought to orgasm successfully and given great pleasure by her man, after which she’s ready and receptive to make love to him…. her arousal drops much more quickly than his does. She still wants connection after she’s been given an orgasm.
Of course there will always be variations on this model, since sex that always follows the same path can become boring. Even so, it’s a recipe for most couples to have enjoyable and successful sex.
On the question of variety, there’s only one way for a man to find out what his partner wants, dear reader – and that’s to ask her. Communication is everything in relationships!
You see, she may find that the easiest way to have an orgasm is through oral stimulation of her clitoris.
On the other hand she may prefer manual stimulation, or even stimulation of the clitoris by your erect penis.
You’re not gonna know any of this unless you ask – and it’s important to find out, because some things will turn her on more than others.
Some men think all women are the same, and try and give their current partner an orgasm in a way they’ve discovered works with previous partners.
That’s a really bad mistake! You have to treat each woman as an individual. And the same goes for foreplay: all women like foreplay, but they don’t all necessarily like the same foreplay.
How To Give Pleasure? It Takes Time!
Only a very insensitive man would fail to realize that most women take a long time to reach orgasm – or at least, they take much longer than most men do. See this astounding piece about differences between men and women when it comes to orgasm.
Women have much lower levels of testosterone in men, and therefore get aroused much more slowly. Truth is, most women will come easily if they can enjoy 20 or 30 minutes of foreplay. And in any case, sexual arousal isn’t just a matter of mental fantasy or mental arousal – at least not for women, where sex is all about physical touch and sensitivity.
So a wise man who wants to enjoy himself with his partner will make sure he gives her plenty of foreplay, and knows how to bring her to orgasm before even contemplating intercourse – at least most of the time!
Although you as a man might feel it’s incumbent on you to give your woman an orgasm, the truth of the matter is that she may well enjoying masturbating herself while you watch (provided she’s not self-conscious).
Equally, she may enjoy using a vibrator to bring herself to orgasm – or she might want you to do it. Most women find vibrators quite pleasurable, and they can certainly bring a woman off faster than fingers or tongue.
The message really is – don’t be afraid to experiment, and talk to your partner about what she might want to try to vary how she gets off or brings herself off.