What Women Want

Some Things You, Dear Man, Need to Know Before Having Sex With a Woman

The Internet is full of advice pages for men, of course – and some of it’s actually quite useful! Here, summarized from the Huffington Post, are some facts about sex which you need to know if you’re interested in pleasing a woman in bed.

So, if you’re interested in knowing how to make a woman come, read this carefully.

1: How A Woman Feels About Her Body Impacts Her Enjoyment of Sex

I guess this may not be too surprising. But the thing is, this isn’t just a matter of vanity. It’s a matter of how a woman feels about herself and the body she inhabits.

A positive body image – which broadly speaking means a woman likes her body – improves her enjoyment of sex.

The size of a woman’s body doesn’t impact her ability to reach orgasm, or her sexual function directly. But a woman’s ability to appreciate her body positively does predict the level of arousal she experiences, the ease with which she achieves orgasms, and the satisfaction she experiences around sex.

Which of these women do you think might be more confident around sex?

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It’s pretty obvious when you think about it: if a woman doesn’t like her body, if it’s naked and exposed to her partner, she’s going to be wondering whether he likes it or not, whether he finds it attractive, and whether it turns him on.

Worse still, she’ll also be wondering if he just sees her as a sex object, because she imagines his feelings about her fatness might stop him connecting to her as a person.

And when a woman is worrying about things like this, she’s not relaxing into the state of mind necessary for her to reach orgasm.

And bear this in mind too: even if you think a woman looks great – she might not feel great. And that can have an impact on her ability to reach orgasm.

2: Our Culture Favours Men’s Sexual Pleasure Over Women’s Sexual Pleasure in Bed

You may not realize it, but as a man you’re in a privileged position in society.

Women are less likely to enjoy sex than men, and young women in particular are about half as likely to reach orgasm during a sexual encounter as men are.

Before you start responding to that by saying that well, it’s very hard to make a woman come, and anyway you know perfectly well how to give a woman an orgasm, let me say that’s not what we’re really talking about.

What we’re talking about is the fact that our society actually prioritizes sexual activities which result in orgasm for men, vaginal intercourse being the highest on that list.

Nearly all men, with the exception of those who have delayed ejaculation (read about that here), will reach orgasm during intercourse.  But what about women?

Over the years we’ve been led to believe that anywhere between 30 and 50% of women can reach orgasm during vaginal intercourse. The real figure is 8%.

(And interestingly enough, these 8% seem to be able to reach orgasm during intercourse only because their clitoris is near to the vaginal opening and so it receives stimulation during thrusting.)

Furthermore, young women seem to spend more time looking after men’s sexual needs than they do looking after their own.

Now that could be because women are socially programmed to look after men or it could be because women think that giving men orgasms is a good way to maintain the relationship (probably true), or perhaps women simply enjoy giving a man an orgasm.

man and woman making love
Just who regards sex in general, and orgasm in particular, as more important? Answer – it depends.

But there is another explanation for the orgasm gap between men and women. And what is the orgasm gap, I hear you ask?

Well, when you look at young women and young men, it turns out that these women have one third as many orgasms as men.

Only when women get into a stable relationship and they’ve had sex five or more times with the man does the difference in orgasm frequency between men and women begin to even out.

And this isn’t because women are having orgasms during intercourse: it’s because the men are taking the time and trouble to give their woman an orgasm, which men won’t do during casual sexual encounters (at least, not generally).

In fact if you talk to young college students, the women say they don’t expect to have an orgasm or to be given one, and the men say they don’t expect to have to make the girl come.

So there’s a social expectation that men will only give a woman an orgasm, or take the time and trouble to make a woman come, when they’re in a committed relationship with the man.

coital alignment technique
Sex in a committed relationship seems to lead to equality of expectation around orgasm.

Sidebar: there’s an interesting biological theory about why that might be. It posits that the female orgasm is about sucking up male sperm, and therefore if a woman’s been unfaithful, the man needs to encourage her to have an orgasm to ensure that his sperm stands as much chance as any other guy’s But as you may see, this theory is false because such a mechanism would only be true if a woman came during intercourse, and we know very few women reach orgasm during intercourse.

Therefore you have to look for another explanation. And I think it’s something like this – men’s sexual self-image is reinforced by their ability to give a woman an orgasm.

Yes, that really is what I’m suggesting: that making a woman come makes a man feel good about himself.

When you think about it, this could be very good for the relationship because what the woman wants is a man who is confident about himself and his masculinity. Also, it reinforces the bonding in the relationship because when a woman reaches orgasm, her brain produces oxytocin which is the bonding hormone, and she feels closer to her man.

Anyway, bottom line: there’s something at work which produces an orgasm gap between men and women and this only evens out in longer term relationships.

3:  Women Often Fail To Express What They Want During Sex

Your woman’s not saying anything negative during sex? Great! Uh-ho. Sadly, this may not mean she’s enjoying it.

Along with the doubts women have about whether or not they’re entitled to expect an orgasm during the first few dates, or during casual sex, they’re also uncertain about their right to speak up and say what they want, including whether or not they’re enjoying the sex – especially during casual sex encounters.

So any man who cares about his partner’s pleasure needs to be aware of that there may be more going on inside his woman’s mind than she’s letting on. In fact, she may not be enjoying sex at all — and still saying nothing. One way to deal with this is to ask her what she likes, and then provide it. As in, “What would you like me to do for you now”, and not, “How can I make you come?”

4 Women Like Casual Sex

We’ve all grown accustomed to the idea that women want a relationship, and men want sex.

Indeed that’s been a cultural stereotype for a very long time, and it’s probably one  belief many of us grew up with. But in fact research has shown this isn’t true.

Women are just as likely to want to have casual sex, provided two important conditions are met: the first of these is that she won’t be shamed (as the expression has it, “slut-shamed“) about it, and the second is that her man is willing to take the time and trouble to use his sexual skills to please her in bed.

5 Women Take Longer to Orgasm Than Men

It’s absolutely true that women take a lot longer than men to reach orgasm – at least twice as long, and often more.

Male and female orgasm
You’re fortunate if your female partner is orgasmic during intercourse.

And indeed, as we’ve already said, most women won’t reach orgasm through penis in vagina sex. Most women require a combination of sensitive foreplay to arouse them, oral sex, masturbation and perhaps other sensual and sexual activities to reach orgasm.

But it’s a mistake to think that giving a woman an orgasm or making her come is the only objective in a sexual interchange between two people.

If you focus on orgasm to the exclusion of other pleasurable activities like sensual connection, then women can begin to develop anxiety about reaching orgasm, and that will make it much harder for them to come. Reaching orgasm in fact might not even be the standard by which your partner judges sex a success! 

6 Always Expect the Unexpected

You think you know women, because you’ve had a variety of experiences over the years?

Well, think again! Many women report that their partners don’t know how to turn them on – which is, in some cases, unsurprising, because a woman’s erogenous zones can be surprising (feet, for example).

In other words, you need to take the time to find which parts of your partner’s body are erotically arousing for her, and find the part of her body she feels most confident about, because she may want a lot of attention there. 

Remember that pain during intercourse can sometimes be the product of making vaginal intercourse the most important thing you do with your partner. For although intercourse may be very important for you as a man, vaginal penetration will most likely not make a woman come, and she may not rate it among her top sexual activities.

(In fact, a lot of women prefer cunnilingus to penetrative intercourse.)

Depending on how you define sexual dysfunction, up to half of all women are experiencing some sexual dysfunction at any one time…

In fairness, this is a dubious conclusion, because it includes things such as “low libido” – which has been shown to stem from low orgasm frequency and lack of intimacy.

So the keys to a great sex life with plenty of opportunity to make a woman come are: keep talking talking about your sex life, keep communicating on every level about your lives in general, ensure you stay intimate, have a lot of sex, take the time to make your partner orgasm, and make sure you discuss anything which gets in the way of good sex!

Explains all the best and easiest ways to make a woman come.