Men Who Are Unable to Ejaculate
“Delayed ejaculation,” said one man bitterly, “So you can’t have a child – so what? I can get it up. I can get it in. I can do everything else a man’s supposed to with a woman. If I said nothing, and grunted a bit when I pretended to come, she’d never know the difference, especially if we were using a condom.”
Masters and Johnson said cases of retarded or delayed ejaculation were the other side of premature ejaculation. So while some men come much too soon, there are others who just can’t make it to climax during sex. Click here to find out about it. Update – this site now has a new format and a number of new pages. It’s all about delayed ejaculation. Find out more here: tackling the problem and why it happens (i.e. the treatment and causes of delayed ejaculation, respectively).
A woman may think a premature ejaculator isn’t a good lover, or even a “real man” but her response to a man who can’t come at all is one of puzzlement or self-doubt: she may even fear it, because it is just completely counter to everything you expect to happen in sex between a man and a woman.
She may well be very sore; she may well wonder if she is attractive; she may well feel that she isn’t doing enough to make her man come; but other women find that the prolonged vaginal thrusting makes them come easily and repeatedly, and for them it is a blessing!
But of course, they may need lots of lubricant, and they may need to be sexually mature themselves to be able to see over the fact that their man is not ejaculating during intercourse – one of the most fundamental expectations of a couple having a sexual relationship! So, it’s a marked problem for a significant number of men – and much more common than has always been believed.
Masters and Johnson reported a case caused by religious guilt and shame, in which a young man – an orthodox Jew – had been trying to attempt his first sexual intercourse at age 23.
He was told to stop by the woman he was with, as she claimed she was having her monthly period – and the man was repulsed, since orthodox Jews cannot make love during the menstrual period…he was horrified and took the women home and then never saw her again….. in his later marriage, he and his wife were strictly adherent to the rules of Judaism about menstruation.
But even so, this unfortunate fellow found that he was in fear of being contaminated. He was literally dry – he could not ejaculate in his wife’s vagina even when he was notionally allowed to by his religion. His body fluid remained in his own body – he could not mix it with his wife’s.
Similarly, a 35 year old man of the RC faith reported how his mother had discovered him masturbating at the age of 13, and was so repelled and disgusted (at least in his eyes) that she told his father, who punished the boy severely….. an interesting response, since the father himself had almost certainly masturbated (98% of adolescent boys do so).
Yet, the boy was taken to see a priest, who put the fear of God in him, threatening him with mental illness and failure of growth into manhood…..the whole event being so traumatic that the boy never even had a wet dream, let alone masturbated.
Later in life, he grew up and married, but could still not ejaculate inside his wife. Talk about being “unmanned”! This is indeed a terrible example of being repressed by one’s parents, and then losing touch with your sexuality. A man in this situation could need some deep therapy.
A video on delayed ejaculation
Then again, a son – a singleton – brought up rigidly by a repressed Protestant mother and equally religious father was accustomed to total physical privacy – there had been no sharing of the family bathroom, no public nudity, no dating except under the most repressive conditions, and a view of sex that suggested it was dirty, that ejaculating was an insult to a woman, and sex was only acceptable when children were wanted.
Not too surprisingly, when the young man married a carefully selected woman, he encountered a priest who told him of the pitfalls of first time sex – pain, blood, etc – and thought sex would be difficult. When he found he could enter her easily, he assumed she was a sexually experienced woman, which turned out to be true, and when questioned by this sadly abused young man, she broke down and they had a massive argument: eventually he professed to forgive her (a modern reader would think of this as unbelievable, but there are still taboos like this in various societies today) but then found he was unable to ejaculate inside her.
For the next eight years he spent almost an hour four or more times a week thrusting vigorously during sex, much to her pleasure, because she was multiply orgasmic. But the man was more and more alienated by her sexual responsivity – and began to be paranoid, thinking her pre-marital experience had caused her orgasmic ability.
He was afraid of being contaminated by ejaculating into her – and he became completely non-orgasmic. Extraordinary isn’t it?
But some things like this still occur, even today, although these days we would generally assume that the majority of cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by shame, anger, resentment, frustration, hostility and guilt.
These extreme cases of delayed ejaculation are rare – but they are not as rare as you might think, and many kids are still brought up in similar circumstances.
Other men are unable to ejaculate with sexual partners because they don’t like them. One man was married to a rich and overbearing distant cousin. She kept reminding him that if it weren’t for her dad’s millions he wouldn’t have come to anything. So resentfully, he denied her – albeit subconsciously – his ejaculation.
Another man was actually gay. He married to keep up appearances in his career but really didn’t like women at all. He had a gay lover and was able to come quite normally with him but was totally unable to do so with his female partner.
A no less tragic but far more reasonable case was that of a happily engaged pair who then married. The woman told the man she had been raped as a young and innocent teenage girl – her new husband couldn’t cope with the news: while he was not repelled, he simply could not come inside her. One assumes he was filled with disgust at the thought of going where the rapists had gone before him. After a few years, the relationship ended – and then the man discovered he needed treatment to enable him to have sex with any woman. He had simply found the idea of vaginal sex too disgusting to allow him to ejaculate.
Another man was in stable relationship and happily sexual until his kids came into the bedroom in the midst of lovemaking with his wife. He was past the point of ejaculatory no-return, and though his kids were interested rather than shocked, he found he was unable to ejaculate during intercourse, and even though he put a bolt on the door, he did not ejaculate again for nearly a decade!
Still another man found his wife and his best friend making love, and although the two begged forgiveness and the man said he was going to forgive and forget, he could never again ejaculate.
So from all this, you can see that men with delayed ejaculation may have complex problems. There are repressive influences of extreme religions; (ironic, since man’s love of God and God’s communication with man doesn’t have much to do with sexual repression); there are men who are gay; men who don’t like their partners; and men who have severe emotional stress or shock.
The Masters and Johnson treatment for these men tried to use the reverse of the treatment method for premature ejaculators. The woman should be demanding, and stimulate her man’s penis vigorously with oil or lotion, so forcing his ejaculation.
Combined with intimate sensate focus, she would then masturbate him to the point of ejaculation, then mount him, in the female superior position, slipping his cock deftly into her vagina.
She was told to move fairly rapidly and firmly, but even when most of the seminal fluid was shot outside her vagina, even a few drops entering her would often cause the emotional and perhaps physical blocks stopping intravaginal ejaculation to crumble. Of the patients referred to Masters and Johnson there was a claimed success rate in excess of 82 percent. But long term cure seems to depend in large part on the sincerity and cooperation of the man’s sexual partner.