Greater pleasure from self-pleasuring – advice for women
You might have discovered places on your body that feel good, and ways to touch them that are very pleasurable.
On the other hand, you might feel that nothing you’ve done has resulted in the pleasure you want. But change happens in many subtle ways, and some processes begin imperceptibly.
(Think about how you begin to lose weight through changes in the body before it shows on the scales, or how a seed begins to grow before the leaves push up through the earth.) Your process of change is unique and it doesn’t matter if it takes time. Sometimes the changes that come about more slowly are the ones that last.
Quite likely you’ll have experienced something between the two: times when you begin to enjoy new or more intense sensations and times when nothing seems right. That’s normal, and it’s part of being a woman.
Try to develop an ability to enjoy the good times and not worry about the difficult ones. Even if you’re not feeling any particular pleasure but you are feeling more comfortable with the idea of touching yourself, that is progress. Above all, you’re learning more about yourself.
Blockages to Arousal
Every difficult or challenging experience is actually just an opportunity to learn something. If you find it hard to get in the mood sometimes, have a think about why that is.
Have you had a stressful day? Did something happen which affected you emotionally? Is there something which is stopping you feeling good about yourself? Are you short of time? Are you angry about something? Do you have PMS?
Understanding the things that affect you is really helpful, because sex – with yourself as well as with someone else – rarely works well if you’re stressed. So at these times do something else which helps you relax and feel better.
And ironically sometimes taking the pressure off means you might be more in the mood later! You can also learn to tune into your own arousal signals. For some women, touching their nipples to see how sensitive they are gives them a good indication of whether they are likely to get aroused or not.
If you do feel in the mood and begin to caress yourself, sometimes you will reach a point where the sensations seem to slow down or stop. This is also a great learning opportunity. What interrupted the process for you? Were you worried about being disturbed? Did your mind wander onto more everyday matters?
Did your clitoris become too sensitive and need a rest? Did the same movement become boring and cease to stimulate you? It is really normal for even the most sexually aroused woman to reach stages like a ‘plateau’ and need to rest for a few moments. If you have a partner this is something you can teach them too! It can be much more sexy if they vary the way they touch you, and take a little break every so often.
Self-pleasuring for women
If you are really becoming very aroused then it can be a little bit frustrating to reach a ‘plateau’, where suddenly the sensation begins to die away. Don’t worry! It will always come back (unless you are really too tired or over-stressed) and in fact taking a short break may bring the sensation back even stronger than before. Sometimes at this point women use their fantasies to re-generate arousal.
What if nothing much is happening?
If your practice so far has been pretty neutral, with no pleasurable feelings but perhaps some new sensations, do continue.
Be gentle with yourself and expect it to take time. Sexual and sensual pleasure needs both the body and mind to be relaxed and in harmony, and this may be a very new experience for some people. This is an aspect of the Feeling Body archetype. You may not be familiar with the concept of archetypes but they are a useful way of partitioning the activities of the body and mind into different functions. It’s a model which allows us to explore not only how we think and feel, but also how we behave and why our body may not be giving us the pleasure and satisfaction that we desire.
Much of our sexual and romantic energy is stored in the Lover archetype – also known as the Feeling Body. This name is a new concept which build on the idea of archetypes presented in the book King Warrior Magician Lover. You can see the evolution of the concept of the Lover into the concept of the Feeling Body here.
This is an aspect of shadow work (see this for more on shadow work) – shadow being made up of the parts of ourselves that we hide and deny during childhood. As you may well imagine, much of our difficulty around sex comes from childhood issues (read about that here). However, it is possible to rebalance the Lover or Feeling Body archetype and enjoy sexual pleasure at any time of life.
For some women sex has been something which someone else does to them, or which they do because someone else wants it. Putting yourself in the control seat and allowing your body to feel really good, when you really want to, is bound to be a gradual process.
Take your time, and also choose your time. Vary your practice at different times of day, and different days of the week. Everyone has a different body clock and you might be surprised at how you respond in the morning compared to at night (or vice versa). Remember to stroke and massage your whole body, not just your genitals.
Experience the different sensations and don’t feel the need to label them. Be kind to yourself: this is not about success or failure. It’s more like a journey where you’ll pass through many different places. Provided what you’re doing is not painful or intensely upsetting, continue your practice and see what develops. It may help you to think of this process as sensual awakening, rather than sexual growth.
Focusing on the Positive
After your next session of self-touching, ask yourself a few questions. What did you enjoy most? What did you find least enjoyable? What surprised you or was unexpected? Did you prefer stroking your body on or around your genital area, or away from the genitals? What made you feel most relaxed? Did anything make you feel aroused? The answers to these questions will give you clues for your next session.
For example, if you find you prefer touching your breasts and stomach rather than your vulva and clitoris, then stay there and enjoy it for as long as you want. Women are lucky in having many erogenous zones in non-obvious places. Self-pleasuring is exactly that: finding out what pleases you, as an individual. Whether it’s the back of the neck, the belly, the hips or the inner thighs doesn’t matter.
Enjoy whatever sensual pleasure is happening, relax and let the good feelings flow. This is enjoyable in itself and also an important step towards experiencing orgasm.