Sex After Fifty: Men and Women
As the story of John and Katy demonstrates (read more on that here) a great deal of the cause of sexual failure has its roots in people’s minds.
Many men and women use the changes in their bodies during midlife as an excuse to stop having sex after 50. They seize on the pretext of feeling ill, of hot flushes or headaches, of increasing fatness or tiredness, of business responsibilities, or work, for rejecting any sexual approach that may be made to them or for refusing to make any sexual response that is expected of them.
What they are really saying is that they are so bored with sex that it no longer has any attraction for them.
Or rather I should say, they are so bored with sex with their partner after fifty years of age that it has no attraction for them any more.
Another client of mine, Roger, is sixty-seven, his wife Jane is fifty-nine. They have been married for twenty-seven years. He is a retired schoolmaster, but his wife is still teaching. They do not see many friends. Roger is an amateur musician, playing three instruments and holding two diplomas. Jane’s hobby is visiting stately homes, which she can only do occasionally. He does not accompany her, as he has arthritis in both ankles, and finds walking for long difficult.
At twelve stone, Roger is not overweight for his height – five feet ten inches – and age. Jane, who is five feet nine inches, and weighs ten stone, is trim and neat. She has good health, neither smokes nor drinks. Roger takes “pills prescribed by my doctor to relieve the pain in my ankles.”
They still share a double bed, but never have intercourse now, though Roger would like to very much, at least once a week.
The coital alignment technique
He is definitely not sexually naive….he does know how to make her orgasm. But neither of them ever had a high sex-drive and they only ever made love once every two weeks or so. Roger does still have strong involuntary erections; that is, he can have an erection without direct stimulation of the penis. (At sixty-seven, this is quite an achievement.)
Jane had an early menopause, beginning at forty and finishing by forty-five. She was even lower-sexed than her husband. They used few sex positions for lovemaking and even fewer techniques. Roger claims Jane required stimulation of her clitoris for up to half an hour to bring her to the point where penetration was possible. Very often she would let him stimulate her for an hour before she asked him to go into her.
And he never really knew whether she reached orgasm or not. She never gave any sign that she had come (reached orgasm), so he always had to ask her, and she always said yes, though he believed that she reached orgasm much less often than she claimed. He also expressed his annoyance at her passivity: “Sometimes I would have very much liked her to take the active role from beginning to end, but I couldn’t ask her to.”
Roger and Jane said they had not made love for the last fifteen years: obviously sex stopped soon after Roger was 50.
He said, “My wife is completely uninterested in sex. For myself, I feel the urge as much as I did thirty years ago, but have no chance at my age of getting sex elsewhere!” It seems that since the very first weeks of their marriage, they had never taken their sex seriously as part of their lives, and certainly not used it as a visible symbol of their love for one another. So long as they were both satisfied by it, sex once every two weeks was all they needed.
But they could have made this lovemaking exciting by developing a varied technique of foreplay, and using a variety of sex positions – even six or seven positions gives quite a choice. Roger made no attempt to find more exciting ways to stimulate Jane, possibly because his sexual desire was satisfied by his (probably not very intense) orgasms.
The result of this laziness and lack of interest was that they were bored by sex, having reached fifty. She welcomed the menopause as an excuse to stop having sex, and he made no attempt to woo her all over again.
Ironically, at sixty-seven his sex drive is strong, and this has made him bitter so that he feels his marriage has become a mockery and would dearly like a divorce. His closest friend advised him to find someone to have sex with him…. and I don’t think he would have any trouble doing so. There are lots of understanding middle-aged women ready to become an attractive man’s mistress, if not his wife.
In contrast, let us consider the Bs. Mr B is fifty-two, Mrs B is fifty. They have been married for thirty years and have two children, one of whom, a student, lives at home in the holidays. Mr B is a technical manager and Mrs B manages a shop.
At five feet eleven-and-a-half inches and weighing fourteen stone, Mr B is over-weight, though not grossly so, and has developed a bit of a belly. Mrs B is five feet four inches and weighs nine stone four pounds, which is average for her age and height. She keeps a watch over her figure and appearance. Both enjoy perfect health and take no drugs of any sort. Mrs B has gone through her menopause.
When they were younger they made love every day, and now after fifty years of age, at fifty-two and fifty, they still enjoy sex every night when it is possible. Mr B is away from home quite a lot, however, and they are not often able to make love every consecutive night. They make up for this deficiency during the week, by four or five sessions of love-making through to orgasm on Saturdays and Sundays.
He has very strong erections which he is able to sustain for an hour and a half at least. Mrs B has mastered the technique of having multiple orgasms and often reaches orgasm seven, eight or nine times to his once. He has acquired perfect control over his progress to orgasm and can determine exactly when he ejaculates.
This is a great example of how sex after fifty can be even more successful and enjoyable than sex in earlier life.
Video – better sex after 50.
From the beginning they have been adventurous in their sex play. They use oral sex a lot, and make use of many different sex positions. They make love in the sitting-room, in the bath, in the car, in the country: in fact, anywhere they happen to be and feel the urge and are assured of privacy. “We have found,” they said, “it better if we just try to have intercourse when we feel like it, and not wait.”
If anything, since Mrs B completed her menopause they make love more frequently than they did in the five years or so before she began it. Their one regret is that they have not more time for sex.
Mr B’s penis is four-and-a-half inches flaccid, six inches erect, and five inches in circumference when erect; that is, of average length but slightly fatter than average. Mrs B’s clitoris is an inch up from her vagina and about the size of a small pea when fully erect; that is, average both in position and size.
When using the conventional face-to-face man on top sex position, he makes circular pelvic movements, not thrusting movements, as his wife finds this movement gives her more satisfaction. His penis does not touch the clitoris directly, but this circular movement massages the general clitoral area and induces a series of rapid orgasms in Mrs B.
The application of this circular movement also explains why Mr B is able to sustain sex for over half an hour, often as long as an hour, before he ejaculates. First, because the circular movement is less tiring than the thrusting one. Second, the movement is much less stimulating to the penis than the backwards-and-forwards movement. Mr B is, therefore, helping himself to increase even more his already excellent level of ejaculatory control.
In other positions, direct penis-clitoris contact is not achieved except in rear-entry sex with Mrs B kneeling. If she supports herself on her hands, contact is not made. However, if she bends right down, with her face on the pillows, there is direct contact, and she can achieve up to nine orgasms in sex lasting three-quarters of an hour.
The experience of the Bs, at 52 and 50 respectively, shows up the dismal failure of Roger and Jane. Mr and Mrs B are a happy couple, very much in love, who have complete faith and trust in one another, not only sexually, but also in life generally. There is no dissatisfaction, no bitterness, and they show that sexual activity in later life can be just as rewarding as in earlier years.