Category Archives: sex after 50

Sex After Fifty – Part 2

Sex After Fifty: Men and Women

As the story of John and Katy demonstrates (read more on that here) a great deal of the cause of sexual failure has its roots in people’s minds.

Many men and women use the changes in their bodies during midlife as an excuse to stop having sex after 50. They seize on the pretext of feeling ill, of hot flushes or headaches, of increasing fatness or tiredness, of business responsibilities, or work, for rejecting any sexual approach that may be made to them or for refusing to make any sexual response that is expected of them.

What they are really saying is that they are so bored with sex that it no longer has any attraction for them.

Or rather I should say, they are so bored with sex with their partner after fifty years of age that it has no attraction for them any more.

Another client of mine, Roger, is sixty-seven, his wife Jane is fifty-nine. They have been married for twenty-seven years. He is a retired schoolmaster, but his wife is still teaching. They do not see many friends. Roger is an amateur musician, playing three instruments and holding two diplomas. Jane’s hobby is visiting stately homes, which she can only do occasionally. He does not accompany her, as he has arthritis in both ankles, and finds walking for long difficult.

At twelve stone, Roger is not overweight for his height – five feet ten inches – and age. Jane, who is five feet nine inches, and weighs ten stone, is trim and neat. She has good health, neither smokes nor drinks. Roger takes “pills prescribed by my doctor to relieve the pain in my ankles.”

They still share a double bed, but never have intercourse now, though Roger would like to very much, at least once a week. 

 The coital alignment technique

Coital alignment technique for more sexual pleasure.

He is definitely not sexually naive….he does know how to make her orgasm.  But neither of them ever had a high sex-drive and they only ever made love once every two weeks or so. Roger does still have strong involuntary erections; that is, he can have an erection without direct stimulation of the penis. (At sixty-seven, this is quite an achievement.)

Jane had an early menopause, beginning at forty and finishing by forty-five. She was even lower-sexed than her husband. They used few sex positions for lovemaking and even fewer techniques. Roger claims Jane required stimulation of her clitoris for up to half an hour to bring her to the point where penetration was possible. Very often she would let him stimulate her for an hour before she asked him to go into her.

And he never really knew whether she reached orgasm or not. She never gave any sign that she had come (reached orgasm), so he always had to ask her, and she always said yes, though he believed that she reached orgasm much less often than she claimed. He also expressed his annoyance at her passivity: “Sometimes I would have very much liked her to take the active role from beginning to end, but I couldn’t ask her to.”

Roger and Jane said they had not made love for the last fifteen years: obviously sex stopped soon after Roger was 50.

He said, “My wife is completely uninterested in sex. For myself, I feel the urge as much as I did thirty years ago, but have no chance at my age of getting sex elsewhere!” It seems that since the very first weeks of their marriage, they had never taken their sex seriously as part of their lives, and certainly not used it as a visible symbol of their love for one another. So long as they were both satisfied by it, sex once every two weeks was all they needed.

But they could have made this lovemaking exciting by developing a varied technique of foreplay, and using a variety of sex positions – even six or seven positions gives quite a choice. Roger made no attempt to find more exciting ways to stimulate Jane, possibly because his sexual desire was satisfied by his (probably not very intense) orgasms.

The result of this laziness and lack of interest was that they were bored by sex, having reached fifty. She welcomed the menopause as an excuse to stop having sex, and he made no attempt to woo her all over again.

Ironically, at sixty-seven his sex drive is strong, and this has made him bitter so that he feels his marriage has become a mockery and would dearly like a divorce. His closest friend advised him to find someone to have sex with him….  and I don’t think he would have any trouble doing so. There are lots of understanding middle-aged women ready to become an attractive man’s mistress, if not his wife.

Another case 

In contrast, let us consider the Bs. Mr B is fifty-two, Mrs B is fifty. They have been married for thirty years and have two children, one of whom, a student, lives at home in the holidays. Mr B is a technical manager and Mrs B manages a shop.

At five feet eleven-and-a-half inches and weighing fourteen stone, Mr B is over-weight, though not grossly so, and has developed a bit of a belly. Mrs B is five feet four inches and weighs nine stone four pounds, which is average for her age and height. She keeps a watch over her figure and appearance. Both enjoy perfect health and take no drugs of any sort. Mrs B has gone through her menopause.

When they were younger they made love every day, and now after fifty years of age, at fifty-two and fifty, they still enjoy sex every night when it is possible. Mr B is away from home quite a lot, however, and they are not often able to make love every consecutive night. They make up for this deficiency during the week, by four or five sessions of love-making through to orgasm on Saturdays and Sundays.

He has very strong erections which he is able to sustain for an hour and a half at least. Mrs B has mastered the technique of having multiple orgasms and often reaches orgasm seven, eight or nine times to his once. He has acquired perfect control over his progress to orgasm and can determine exactly when he ejaculates.

This is a great example of how sex after fifty can be even more successful and enjoyable than sex in earlier life.

Video – better sex after 50.

From the beginning they have been adventurous in their sex play. They use oral sex a lot, and make use of many different sex positions. They make love in the sitting-room, in the bath, in the car, in the country: in fact, anywhere they happen to be and feel the urge and are assured of privacy. “We have found,” they said, “it better if we just try to have intercourse when we feel like it, and not wait.”

If anything, since Mrs B completed her menopause they make love more frequently than they did in the five years or so before she began it. Their one regret is that they have not more time for sex.

Mr B’s penis is four-and-a-half inches flaccid, six inches erect, and five inches in circumference when erect; that is, of average length but slightly fatter than average. Mrs B’s clitoris is an inch up from her vagina and about the size of a small pea when fully erect; that is, average both in position and size.

When using the conventional face-to-face man on top sex position, he makes circular pelvic movements, not thrusting movements, as his wife finds this movement gives her more satisfaction. His penis does not touch the clitoris directly, but this circular movement massages the general clitoral area and induces a series of rapid orgasms in Mrs B.

The application of this circular movement also explains why Mr B is able to sustain sex for over half an hour, often as long as an hour, before he ejaculates. First, because the circular movement is less tiring than the thrusting one. Second, the movement is much less stimulating to the penis than the backwards-and-forwards movement. Mr B is, therefore, helping himself to increase even more his already excellent level of ejaculatory control.

In other positions, direct penis-clitoris contact is not achieved except in rear-entry sex with Mrs B kneeling. If she supports herself on her hands, contact is not made. However, if she bends right down, with her face on the pillows, there is direct contact, and she can achieve up to nine orgasms in sex lasting three-quarters of an hour.

The experience of the Bs, at 52 and 50 respectively, shows up the dismal failure of Roger and Jane. Mr and Mrs B are a happy couple, very much in love, who have complete faith and trust in one another, not only sexually, but also in life generally. There is no dissatisfaction, no bitterness, and they show that sexual activity in later life can be just as rewarding as in earlier years.

 

Sex After Fifty Part 1

Men and sex after fifty

Most men in their fifties experience a gradual decline in fertility. In other words, their semen does not contain sufficient sperm or sufficiently healthy sperm to ensure that every time they make love to a woman in conditions otherwise favorable for conception, they would get her pregnant. Nevertheless, a lot of men in their sixties and seventies become fathers.

But even if a man produces no sperm at all, his sexual desire and his sexual ability to have satisfying orgasms do not disappear. The latter, however, is dependent upon his being able to have an erection. Unfortunately there are many possible problems: erectile dysfunction, weak erections that do not allow the penis to enter the vagina, retarded ejaculation, and oddly a reversion to a condition of the ardent days of youth, namely, premature ejaculation; all these are the troubles that beset the middle-aged male – or, more generally, the man seeking to enjoy sex after he is fifty or older.

Now, I don’t know why it is assumed that wild potency is needed for a man to regard himself as a sexual success. Certainly there are few woman who would agree that being a stud is necessary for sexual success.

There is a slowing-down in the frequency of sexual desire as well. If the man who made love four times a week in his peak years can, at fifty or sixty, make love satisfactorily both for himself and for his partner twice a week he is doing well: he is not the approaching the end of sexual activity.

However, he may feel emasculated by this reduction in sexual activity, and this can further undermine his sexual desire, his physical responses and his sexual performance.

A lot of men’s partial or complete impotence and of weak erections is due to anxiety – for example, anxiety about becoming impotent. In other words, a vicious circle develops, in which fear of becoming impotent actually creates impotence.

There’s also a need for good general health to ensure normal, healthy middle-aged sexual functioning. If a man’s general health is not so great, his sexual health is bound to suffer too. This, in its turn, adds to the psychological effects. The psychological effects can be dealt with by adding a suitable psychological self help program such as Capture His Heart to the standard techniques of dealing with relationship issues.

A Case History – the Story Of John and Katy

Let me try to illustrate some of these issues of sex after fifty by describing the case-history of John & Katy.

John was fifty-seven. He had been married for thirty-one years, and though the marriage had not been wildly romantic, his relationship with his wife had been a happy one. She was two years younger than he, and was completely over her menopause by fifty-one. She was also an intelligent woman, and had decided that she was going to respond to the changes with a new lease of life, gaining new qualifications and new employment.

When they’d married in their middle twenties, John and Katy had sex three or four times a week. John had been a capable lover: Katy had no complaints on that score, though she later admitted to me there had been times when she had wished for more exciting lovemaking, though not often.

After her menopause she gradually began to realize that she was becoming more preoccupied with thoughts of sex than she had been at any time during her earlier life, and her sexual desire was also increasing.

She was aroused more often, wanted to make love more often, and also wanted a deeper sexual experience than she had had before. John, on the other hand, had fallen into the habit of making love to her only on Saturdays or Sundays, perhaps every two weeks or so.

Video – sex after 50

Katy would have made love every other day if she’d had the opportunity, but she did not criticize John for his lack of desire, accepting that his greatly increased responsibilities at work made him too tired for lovemaking during the week. However, this did not solve the problem of her increased desire, and after a time, she made one or two tentative approaches.

 To her delight John responded, but on a couple of occasions rebuffed her gently but firmly. Her successes, however, encouraged her to a strong desire for oral sex. John was surprised, but delighted. On the other hand, he suddenly realized that Katy had changed.

For the first time for a long time, he really noticed how attractive she was, and it struck him that she was much more sexually active after fifty than she had ever been before.

His work was tiring and he often had to bring a case full of papers home with him, and by bedtime all he wanted to do was sleep.

That is what he had been doing: but now he was aware that he ought to pay more attention to the new Katy.

But he could not readjust to her increased desire for sex straightaway, and, in fact, though he kept telling himself he really ought to do something about it, he never did. Then another incident occurred. He went to bed very tired one night, and when Katy wanted to make love to him, he refused, turned over on his side and went to sleep.

A little later he awoke, and became conscious that Katy was masturbating. As a result of this incident he was shaken out of his rut. He really would do something about it. But almost immediately the increase in Katy’s desire for lovemaking struck him even more forcibly than before, and in a moment of panic he thought, “What if I can’t keep pace with her?”

Instead of telling himself that he would have no problem, he let the idea begin to get to him, and when he finally did take the opportunity to make love to her, he had some difficulty in getting a really firm erection, and this added to his anxiety.

Sex After Fifty – Video

Then the sex was a failure in his eyes, because, for the first time in thirty years, he ejaculated as she touched his penis to guide it into her vagina. This was a fatal experience. Almost every time, for several months when they made love, he either ejaculated prematurely or he could not get a firm enough erection to penetrate her. He did not even get an erection from fellatio.

For a time both were plunged into depression, which did not help John at all, and it was in utter desperation that he came to see me. “I don’t mind betting you’ve nothing physically wrong with you,” I told him, when he had told me his story. “Do you still have morning erections?” He seemed surprised by my question. “Well,” he said, “come to think of it, I do. Not so often, perhaps, but two or three times a week.” “In that case,” I replied, “I think counseling would be able to help you more than a doctor.” “You think I’m imagining I have erectile dysfunction?” he asked. “Yes,” I said. “If your impotence had any physical cause, that would prevent you having even an involuntary erection!”

As it turned out, there was no need for him to consult a counselor. He was able to get back to normal, just on the basis of what I’d told him: fear of failure really does breed failure.

This is a common problem. More often than not, the counselor rather than the doctor has the cure for middle-aged sexual disorders.

Viagra can help enormously!

Oddly enough I see the makers of Viagra have just put out a new TV ad which features almost exactly the above scenario! And with good reason – because we know that one or two experiences of getting an erection with the help of Viagra can really boost a man’s confidence and make it possible for him to make love with confidence after a spell with erectile problems that are psychologically based. This approach comes highly recommended. If it does not work, try counselling as suggested above.

Male hormone deficiency

In cases where a man is impotent, or has weak erections or retarded or premature ejaculation, and there is no traceable psychological origin, there may also be a definite absence of sexual desire. This stems from the fact that the testosterone output of the testicles which control sexual desire has greatly depreciated or ceased altogether.

This lack of hormone production can be corrected by testosterone replacement therapy. So there is really no need – except in a very small percentage of cases which will respond neither to hormone nor to psychological treatment – for a man or a woman to consider themselves incapable of sex in their later decades after their fifties.

To sum up, both the man and the woman do undergo physical changes, the woman apparently on a much greater scale than the man. The hormonal changes may, however, be similar in scale in each of them. But whatever the changes, whether it’s the complete menopause of the woman, or the andropause in the man, both sexes are normally quite capable of having great sex after 50 years of age, though perhaps slightly less often.

Where there are clear issues – thinning of the lining of the vagina, failure or partial failure of vaginal lubrication, hormone deficiency, and so on – there are many ways to correct them.

The best way of avoiding sexual failure of almost any kind is to maintain regular sexual activity throughout life. The more often a couple make love between twenty and forty, the longer they will remain sexually active after fifty and on into their middle and later years.

And if you are already 50 or over, then regular and fairly frequent lovemaking – sometimes even when you are not prompted by desire, when you have to start from scratch and get aroused – plus a new adventurousness in sexual techniques, is one of the surest ways of maintaining a satisfactory sex-life for most, if not all, of the rest of your life ….