How to enjoy yourself pleasuring more
The first technique that you can use to help yourself enjoy your self-pleasuring exercises more is relaxation. Relaxation allows you to get more in touch with your body, and to break down any muscular tension which you may be using as a defensive shield against the thoughts and feelings that make you uncomfortable.
As you learn to relax, you will discover more and more areas of your body in which you’re holding muscular tension – this will include the areas around your genitals, areas which you may cut off from your awareness because of their historical associations with unpleasant or unacceptable sexual feelings or experiences.
Learning to relax, and to apply the relaxation exercises twice a day for as little as fifteen minutes each time, will enable you to develop very much greater connection with your body, and so help your sensuous development progress at a faster rate.
The next way in which you can help yourself become more comfortable with your body and self-pleasuring exercises is to simply imitate some of the movements that are associated with sexual arousal!
When you overcome your inhibitions about moving your body in this way you may well be surprised at how much these movements and your sense of arousal, eroticism, and sensuousness increases. Simply do this as part of yourself pleasuring exercises, when you have private time and no-one will observe you. It’s important that you are comfortable with these exercises before you begin to share them with your partner.
One: Rock your pelvis backwards and forwards, and up and down. This, of course, is one of the basic movements of intercourse – the thrusting movement of the pelvis. Really practicing this movement can loosen up your sexual responses and get the energy flowing around your genital and pelvic area.
Two: Arch your back and thrust your hips and pelvis upwards as though you were meeting your lover as he thrusts downwards and into you.
Three: Bring your knees up to your chest, spread your legs and rock gently, imagining, if you wish, that your lover is making love to you and you are holding him firmly in an embrace between your legs.
Four: Bend forward from a standing position so that the upper part of your body is horizontal. Move your hips in a sensuous swaying movement as though you are enticing your lover to enter you from behind. Now move your hips backwards and forwards as though you are engaging in intercourse with your lover standing behind you.
Remember that you only need to do as much or as little of this exercise as is comfortable to you, but you may find that practicing these movements makes you feel more sensuous and sexy, and raises your curiosity about how it would feel to move your body in this way during sex.
A great way of becoming more comfortable with your body is to try Belly Dancing, which is the ultimate in female sensual dance. It’s actually a very sensual – if not sexual – expression of feminine grace and femininity. You can read all about the art of Belly Dancing here Belly dancing with Shira.
We have also mentioned Sensate Focus as a way to get greater comfort and pleasure with your body.
We mentioned above that sexual fantasy can be a crucial part of learning to feel more sensuous and sexy. Two excellent books which will help you to understand the importance of fantasy in women’s sexual lives – and thereby in your own sexual life – are My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers, both by Nancy Friday.
These are collections of women’s fantasies. As you read them you will discover more about what turns you on, about what you like and you do not like, and about the themes and ideas that make you feel sexual.
Bear in mind that there is no right or wrong as far as fantasy is concerned: fantasy is just that – fantasy. It’s kept inside your head, it is private, and although you may eventually choose to act it out with sexual partner, for the most part, fantasy is your private world, where you can do what you wish, with whom you want, whenever you like, and in whatever way you desire.
Pornography and erotica are not inherently bad. Whether or not they are morally correct is a decision that each individual must make. Where you draw the line about what is acceptable to you, and what is perverse to you, is based on your judgments and beliefs, and they will inevitably change over time. The same is true of course of your fantasies.
In this context we would just like to point out a study conducted by research scientists. This study demonstrated that some of the happiest sexual relationships are those in which the two participants fantasized about having sex with other people whilst making love to their own partner!
One problem with fantasy is that you may come across something you find highly arousing which is actually based on an idea you find unacceptable. This might, for example, include your becoming aroused by the idea of forced sex or humiliation during sex.
It’s possible that such connections represent a link you have made between negative past experiences and sex; hopefully you will find that as you become more comfortable with your sexuality these fantasies and thoughts fade and are replaced by other new sexual fantasies. If they do not fade, and continue to trouble you unduly, then you might wish to talk them through with a sexual therapist. Often such fantasies will disappear with a little discussion or when they are exposed to your conscious awareness.
Ways to increase your enjoyment of fantasy
Remember that your fantasy does not have to be a complete sexual story! It can be a quick word, thought, feeling, or image in your mind. Even the flash of some brief thought about sexy clothing can signal a fantasy. Furthermore, your fantasy does not have to be explicitly sexual. It can be romantic, sensuous, loving….whatever you wish.
You can also blend your reality – for example, when touching yourself – with your fantasy – for example, imagining that it is your partner’s hands which are touching you as you play with your own genitals.
The next step
Have five or six sessions over the next fortnight in which you use enjoy your fantasies, some erotic material, sensate focus, and relaxation exercises. Try one or two of these techniques during each self-pleasuring session so you begin to understand which are most useful for you.