What Does Sexual Satisfaction Mean to You?

Sexual Satisfaction

I guess most men would say that sexual satisfaction is defined by whether or not they have an orgasm – and perhaps by the power and intensity of that orgasm.

And I would guess men think that knowing how to give a woman an orgasm is a vital part of sexual satisfaction.

But would the same be true for women? Do they think that knowing how to give a man an orgasm is satisfying?

And as a man, making love to women, did you ever stop to consider what might make sex satisfying for your partner?

In another post on this blog you can read some things about women’s attitudes to sex which you might surprise you. Did you know, for example, about the “orgasm gap” between men and women?

Understanding Meaning

To investigate what people mean when they talk about “sexual satisfaction”, Sara I McClelland of the University of Michigan asked 40 US participants a series of questions to determine their satisfaction on various aspects of sex including their emotions, the quality of the relationship, and how focused they were on their partner as opposed to how focused they were on orgasm during sex. 

You see, it’s  all very well doing a piece of research and simply assuming you know what “sexual satisfaction” means, but unless you ask real people what they think it means, you might not be measuring anything real at all. 

Also, it’s pretty damn’ obvious that sexual experiences and relationships are inextricably linked to the cultural context in which they take place – for example, what’s acceptable in one society is far from acceptable in another society.

For example, knowing how to make a woman come by means of cunnilingus is commonplace in the west but some religions forbid this way of pleasing a woman in bed.

Pleasuring a woman in bed is easy
What she thinks of as satisfaction may be very different from what he thinks of as satisfaction!

Sexual Satisfaction Is Not Just About Giving A Woman An Orgasm

So, sexual satisfaction can definitely mean different things to different people. Even so, we all tend to assume that we know what it means (orgasmic pleasure or frequency, perhaps).

Indeed, studies which have been done in the past simply set out to establish the answers to questions such as “How sexually satisfied are you?” This question can become meaningless quite quickly. For one thing, as we’ve already mentioned, the socio-political culture influences what people think of as indicating sexual satisfaction.

What Makes You Satisfied?

 Previous work has shown that men define sexual satisfaction in relation to how often they have intercourse, as well as the difference between how often they want intercourse and how often they get it.

Women, by contrast, define sexual satisfaction in terms of how often intercourse happens, but beyond that, trust and mutual enjoyment are essential before a woman will feel that she’s enjoyed sexual satisfaction.

To put it bluntly, men’s sexual satisfaction tends to depend less on relationships and context, and more on the experience of orgasm, than women’s.

This is not to imply that emotional factors are completely absent from men’s sexual satisfaction, but it’s important to note that men regard the outcome of intercourse as more important, while women seem to regard the context of intercourse as a direct factor in sexual satisfaction.

And then you have lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and “questioning” men and women whose view of what constitutes sexual satisfaction may be different again.

At this point you might be forgiven for thinking that this was becoming an incredibly complicated question – and in fact you’d be right!

How to make a woman come in fifteen minutes
What does she mean by sexual satisfaction? That her partner knows how to make a woman come? Or that he actually does so?

But by asking participants in the study a number of different questions related to different aspects of sexual satisfaction, and then establishing which factors are correlated with each other, it becomes possible to analyze what people mean by “sexual satisfaction” (and, by implication, sexual pleasure).

We’ve already mentioned that men seem to be much more orgasm-oriented than women.

This does not mean women regard having an orgasm during partnered sex as unimportant, but it may suggest that women think the effort their male partner puts into making a woman come (or into giving a woman an orgasm) is more important that the orgasm itself.

The questions in this study covered a wide range of possible sexual behaviours, as well as the feelings that might come from them, and the experiences which a couple could have before they felt sexually satisfied.

She also interviewed the participants so as to establish what helped them to distinguish satisfactory and unsatisfactory sexual experiences.

What did all this demonstrate?

First of all, for men, feeling masculine as a result of their sexual experience was very important.

In addition there were a number of specific emotional experiences which provided men with sexual satisfaction – these included feeling safe, letting one’s guard down, and trusting a partner. Being able to “let go” involved exploring aspects of sexual behaviour which might not be or feel safe in other situations – such as eroticized aggression.

For women, emotional closeness and trust as well as sex within a monogamous relationship were important to feel sexual satisfaction. Women also wanted to feel “merged” with a partner – another aspect of relational closeness. 

Another quality emphasized by women was that “feeling close” to a man was important, and the way they saw it, the closest they could get to a man was to feel him inside them. (So they might be less concerned about your ability to give a woman an orgasm than you thought…..)

When it comes to feelings of emotional closeness, women often report that their orgasm is less important than the man’s orgasm. And many women say that having an orgasm is not at all important for them to feel sexually satisfied.

(How interesting to read this,  in the light of another article on this blog which talks about the orgasm gap between men and women.)

The Same Old, Same Old

There’s another factor for the men here:  the importance of “giving a woman an orgasm”. The research showed it’s important for men to feel they’ve pleased their partner by giving a woman an orgasm or making a woman come.

Among the women, making sure that the man they were with was satisfied seemed to be important to their sense of sexual satisfaction.

To sum up this aspect of the research, men are happy to give a woman an orgasm, and they experience this as increasing their own sexual satisfaction (they speak of an increase in energy or an emotional payoff).

Women, however, especially young women, tend to describe partner satisfaction (specifically giving a partner an orgasm) as a key part of their own sexual satisfaction.

It’s hardly surprising that both men and women get some reinforcement of their sense of masculinity and femininity from prescribed sex roles, because nature evolved us this to be that way.

Video – Sexual intelligence

What’s slightly more surprising is the degree to which women get satisfaction from giving their partner an orgasm, rather than enjoying one themselves.

This may be something to do with sexual maturity, because the tendency was more marked in younger women than in older women.

However, with a clear understanding of gender differences, researchers can move ahead knowing what people mean when they talk about sexual satisfaction.

A final important note:  there is increasingly marked criticism of our sexual mores by feminist researchers who say that orgasm plays a role in maintaining patriarchal privilege in heterosexual relationships.

As an example of this from the study above, one man who was in a relationship said that if his partner had an orgasm he would feel “like he’d done his job.”

This is an interesting indication of how orgasm has become a kind of commodity within a relationship rather than a means to sexual satisfaction in its own right.

To sum it all up, what constitutes sexual satisfaction is as variable as individuals themselves.

For some, orgasm is an important component of sexual satisfaction; for others it is not.

Unsurprisingly, emotional closeness and emotional satisfaction tends to feature more in the sexual satisfaction of women than men.

A reinforcement in an individual’s sense of masculinity or femininity is also associated with sexual satisfaction.

And emotional closeness is both a route to satisfying sex and an outcome of satisfying sex. Perhaps this is hardly surprising when you consider how a woman has to be relaxed and trusting of her partner to be able to enter a space where the man knows how to give a woman an orgasm.

Last but not least, the research demonstrated the importance of the context of satisfaction as opposed to the simple measure of how much or how often someone is sexually “satisfied”.

Sex & Orgasms – Making A Woman Come

Would you like to see the easiest and best way to make a woman come?  Give any woman massive orgasms easily?

Yes? Then simply click on the link below to see a video explaining how to make any woman orgasm easily and quickly! (Warning – this is an explicit video with a loud soundtrack. Watch alone, maybe?)

orgasmartssquare

Now, let’s look at the process of sexual arousal.

Clearly sexual arousal is not just something that happens in the mind; it happens in the mind and the body together.

The sequence of events leading up to the point of having an orgasm is known as the sexual response cycle: it has four stages – excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

Each stage builds upon the last, in both men and women, so long as the right kind of stimulation is applied at the right time and with the right intensity.

The Process Of Arousal:
The Female Sexual Response Cycle

Step 1 On The Road To Orgasm (Climax)

The sexual response cycle often begins with foreplay. This promotes sexual arousal.

FemalesexualAs you know, foreplay can take many forms, ranging from simple loving look to a gentle touch, from a passionate kiss to a warm embrace, from gentle stroking of the skin to a vigorous massage. Most women would admit that if they are being brought to orgasm, foreplay is essential to promote desire.

Whatever the stimulation, there are changes in a woman’s body which make her aware of her growing sexual arousal.

These changes include an increased flow of blood to her genitals, with some engorgement of the erectile tissue of the clitoris, vulva and labia. At the same time her skin becomes more sensitive to touch.

Her breasts swell in size and her nipples become more sensitive to stimulation. But since the nipples are very sensitive anyway, an aggressive touch may not be pleasant, so men- beware!

If you are aiming to take a woman to orgasm, or force her to come with you on a sexual journey, make sure you touch lightly – or at least in the way she wants to be touched! 

For some women, it is not the destination (orgasm) but the journey (arousal, foreplay, intimacy) which is most exciting.

And perhaps the most obvious sign of her bodily arousal is production of vaginal lubrication, sometimes in large quantities, so much so that she may feel the wetness growing and seeping outwards into her underwear.

Advice on a sensual orgasm massage technique!

This is often accompanied by a sense of warmth. And finally her clitoris engorges and becomes more prominent as blood flow to the clitoral tissues increases.

Step 2: Sexual Arousal

As sexual stimulation continues, muscle tension increases throughout a woman’s body: this will be released at the moment of climax. Her rate of breathing increases, her blood pressure goes up, and her heart beats faster. As she becomes aroused, the man will also find his arousal mirroring hers. If he is aiming to manufacture her coming, he may have to control his own increasing arousal while she catches up with him.

100 Orgasms A Day – See It To Believe It!

There will be also be changes to her vagina, with the entrance tightening slightly and the inner parts ballooning and increasing in length.

As she becomes more aroused, her clitoris becomes larger and goes through a number of changes that cause the angle of the clitoral body to change. Such changes are useful signs for a man aiming to make a woman come quickly and easily – they can be the clues to what to do next in the process of sexual arousal.

gspotIt is at this point that the G-spot changes in texture from rough to smooth, a change which some people believe is caused by swelling of part of the clitoris, causing it to lie more closely on top of the vaginal wall.

The clitoral glans certainly disappears beneath its hood and remains there until the point of climax or orgasm unless exposed by pulling the skin back.

0rgasmAt the same time a woman’s uterus shifts upwards so as to allow the vagina to expand lengthwise, thereby allowing the penis to thrust more deeply.

Unless the clitoris is stimulated during sex, a woman is unlikely to climax during sexual intercourse. That is true whether she is stimulating herself or a man is trying to make her come during partnered sexual activity.

Step 3: The Plateau Phase – Making A Woman Come

In the plateau phase (see diagram above) a woman is highly aroused, both physically and mentally, and she can remain in that state for some time without reaching orgasm unless additional stimulation is applied to take her over into the orgasm phase.

During the plateau phase she may experience a skin flush, deeper breathing and a higher heart rate; certainly her genitals will change color, as her labia become flushed with blood and her vaginal tissues swell.

As mentioned above, with additional stimulation a woman will move from the plateau phase into orgasm.  It’s often the transition from the plateau phase to the orgasm which presents most difficulties for a woman when she is trying to have an orgasm.

Men, when trying to make a woman come, and familiar with the way in which they stimulate their own penis during masturbation, will often apply much more vigorous and rapid stimulation to a woman’s clitoris at this point.

While it’s certainly true there is a point where a woman may need this additional stimulation to reach orgasm, it has to be timed to perfection, otherwise a woman is likely to her climax slipping away from her.

What in fact is needed most is rhythmic regular stimulation at the right pressure, until the very last moment, and then some additional pressure or faster stimulation to tip her over the edge.

The climax itself involves a series of contractions of the muscles of the vaginal walls, the uterus, and the pelvic floor muscles.  These contract rhythmically at just under one second intervals.

All of these contractions are accompanied by a great sensation of pleasure and, in some women, the emission of a small amount of fluid from the vagina – a sort of female ejaculation, a process captured on video many times, and is a real phenomenon.

The number of contractions a woman experiences when coming varies from three to fifteen, although some women can experience prolonged contractions.

And many women experience their orgasm as a whole body sensation rather than just in their genitals. It’s probably safe to say that all women’s experiences of climax are different – both between different women and in the same woman over time.

For better sex, the website www.massivestayingpower.com may be helpful if you need more information on how to reach orgasm during intercourse, which often depends on the man’s ability to engage in long lasting thrusting.

Step 4 : The Resolution Phase

A woman’s body returns to her pre-aroused state. 

arousalThis process happens much more slowly in women than men.

Indeed, women can often have another orgasm soon after their first; which is distinctly different to men, who have a refractory period, during which it is impossible for them to become sexually aroused again.

This is the kind of information that a man trying to make a woman come needs to know – for example, it is often a better idea for him to give her an orgasm before entering her and enjoying his own orgasm.

Why do men want to sleep after orgasm and women to cuddle?

It’s down to the hormones we produce – after she’s had an orgasm during sex a woman is much more likely to want a period of cuddling and interaction; after his orgasm, a man is likely to want to sleep.

How To Reach Orgasm – Easily!

According to Cosmopolitan magazine, which isn’t perhaps the most reliable source of information about sex on the planet, but certainly is one of the most popular, around 10% of women have never had an orgasm with a partner.

sex techniquesAnd that is truly shocking! Considering that the basis of all male-female relationships is love and sex, what can be done about it? Well, obviously, one of the things that can be done about it is for women to take matters into their own hands — and yes, I’m speaking quite literally — women can give themselves an orgasm. They can make themselves come.

So here, courtesy of Cosmo, are some hot tips for female orgasms.

First of all, if you want to come easily, get on top during sexual intercourse. That way, if you lean forward, you can compress your clitoris between your pelvic bone and your  mate’s, providing clitoral stimulation – and hopefully sufficiently intense to make you come. But the exact angle you’re going to use to climax quickly will depend on how your bodies come together — for example, how much of a tummy you’ve got (and how much he’s got!)

sex techniquesHowever, if the man is lying on the bed, it might be necessary for him to arch his back a little bit so that his pelvis is raised, giving you the opportunity to “grind” your clitoris against his pelvis. Hopefully that will make you come.

Now, one of the most important things to remember is that sex isn’t just about finding the right sexual position or technique. The truth of the matter is that women can become far more aroused than men during sex, and although it takes a different set of skills to arouse a woman to the point where she’s going to come than it does to arouse a man to that point. The interesting thing is that a man’s arousal depends to a large extent on how aroused the woman he’s with is….

sex techniquesTherefore, if you’re faking orgasm he’s gonna know it at some level, and he’s going to enjoy sex much less than he otherwise would.

Which means that faking it helps no-one, even if you’re doing it with the best intentions in the world (like, for example, not hurting his feelings!)

So the key to stopping faking orgasms is to not go through a process of suddenly admitting that you’ve been faking orgasm all the while, but to show your partner exactly what you need him to do to make you come as a woman. You can say something like “I want to try something new and see if it makes reaching orgasm easier for me as a woman.” He’ll understand that! Or you could invite him to masturbate you, showing him exactly where to put his hand or tongue, to make your orgasm easy.

Or, you could use the coital alignment technique. Watch this video.

Now, one of the interesting things here, of course, is that it’s the techniques you discover when you’re masturbating alone that you can use when you’re having sex with your partner.

If you’re a woman who doesn’t come during intercourse — and very few women do — one thing you can do is to explain to your partner that you like clitoral stimulation, and you want more of this especially during sex with him, to make it feel better for you.

Here are some great sex positions for making women orgasm…..

More on faking orgasms

One of the ways that you can introduce the subject tactfully without hurting his feelings (or shattering any illusions he has about his power to make you come during intercourse) is by suggesting you enjoy some mutual masturbation to get things moving.

Having said all that, you know as well as I do that part of your responsibility is to make it easier for yourself to reach orgasm — and so you’ve no doubt heard of Kegel exercises, and believe me, Kegel exercises are one of the things that will make reaching orgasm a heck of a lot easier! You do need resistance, though, it’s no use just contracting the muscle as if you were stopping yourself urinating.

That means buying something like the Kegel Master, a device specially designed for women to increase the strength of their PC muscles and hopefully make achieving orgasm easier for them.
Are already mentioned, one of the ideal sex positions for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse is with her on top so that she can engineer the right clitoral stimulation she needs to achieve orgasm.

However – there are other approaches. In the classic missionary position, you can tilt your hips so that you’re directing his penis to the right spot inside your vagina — the “right spot” being the one most likely to make you come!

Alternatively, if he’s got big deal about making a woman come, you can grab hold of his hips and move him in exactly the way you want him to move so his cock stimulates your clitoris or vulva.

And while techniques are all very well, they are only part of the story. So, during sex, it’s always possible for you, or him, to “lend a helping hand”, in other words, for you or him to stimulate your clitoris, thereby helping yourself reach orgasm easily. Similarly, if you’re actually lying face down in the rather nice and comfy position that is called “reverse missionary”, then one option is view to grind your clitoris against a pillow or the bed itself.

The Elusive Female Orgasm

It’s Not Always Easy For A Man To Make A Woman Come!

Sometimes women can’t reach orgasm because of a poor body image (concept of one’s own body), particularly around genital issues.  And that even includes the changes they experience when they get aroused!

The importance of such body image distortions is not surprising in view of the fact seeing oneself as “normally” feminine is heavily implicated distorted attitudes about one’s body.

Laci Green On Fatness

human_bodyFreud spoke of fear about damage to the genital area, phallic envy, anxiety about vaginal penetration, and the holding unrealistic images about the nature of the vagina as things that could affect a girl’s ability to make her way successfully through her psychosexual development. That would also affect her ability to achieve orgasm.

Quite how these issues play out for a man wishing to make a woman come is not clear. But what is clear is that we need to look at the concept of “body image” in any discussion of the female orgasm.

A healthy individual’s identity and ego structure are founded upon body experiences. The first and primary core of self is the matrix of sensations linked with “my body.”

beautyFurther, the process of psychosexual development involves a series of stages during which energy is successively invested in different sectors of the body (oral, anal, genital) that correspondingly vary in their importance in the body scheme and their influence in coloring interpretations of the world.

Body image contributes substantially to relationship success, and in particular the ability of a woman to date successfully and enjoy sex to the full. It also has a significant relationship to her capacity to achieve orgasm (and so by implication to a man’s ability to make a woman come).

There are many internet programs which seek to help women in this regard, including Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever, which is reviewed here.

For men, it is probably more about emotional confidence or self-esteem that regulates his ability to date or to attract a woman and establish relationship.

Body Image

positive body imageClear evidence has accumulated that persons vary in the ways in which they integrate and interpret their body experiences and that, in turn, these adaptations affect their personality style.

For example, sexual arousal does not affect merely the sexual zones.

The whole body is involved… breathing, perspiration, vocalization and equilibrium sensations …. the ability to accept physiological changes is one of the Important prerequisites of sexual enjoyment.

Fear of such change is one of the greatest impediments to sexual functioning. So, of course, is the fear of the loss of relationship. And that may be why so many programs have offered remedies for broken relationships – not least Mike Fiore, whose program Text Your Ex Back is the primary resource for people trying to get back together with an ex-partner.

The effects of sexual arousal

An aroused person feels different all over their body. Expansions or distention in various body zones, not only in the genital area… and there are also changes in sensory acuity, throbbing of body parts, a temperature increase that suffuses over the body, muscle tension alterations, itching, sustained skin contact with another individual, and intense excitation emanating from mucous membranes.

As a man helps her come, or as she becomes more orgasmic, or as her level of arousal increases, a woman’s excited body is different to the body she knows most of the time from day to day.

It’s conceivable these changes may be frightening and therefore ultimately prevent the attainment of orgasm, either by herself or by a partner hoping to make his a woman come. 

But these distortions may, as appeal to another woman as being novel and enjoyably “different,” thereby facilitating orgasm. Indeed, as the internet has demonstrated, sexual perversions and novelty can be highly arousing and exciting, perhaps even forcing a woman to advance towards orgasm.

A lot of ideas have been put forward about body image and how it might render a woman vulnerable to being fear or shame or other negative emotions around sexual arousal.

A number of writers agree that fear of body penetration and of losing body boundaries causes sexual dysfunctions of one kind or another.

So if a woman thinks her body is too “open,” insufficiently protected, and incapable of resisting invasion, she may interpret sexual sensory experiences and the expectation of being entered by the penis in a negative way.

In other words, each individual woman needs to experience her body  as possessing a boundary which both delineates self-identity and serves as a protective shield against perceived dangers. Without an adequate boundary it becomes hard to distinguish between self and non-self. That can make sex threatening.

Making A Woman Come

Orgasm in women is, of course, a rather complex story.

We know that women vary considerably in the type of stimulation that is required to bring them to orgasm, and we’ve  already observed that many do not experience this pleasure through vaginal penetration.

When combined with the fact that women actually have a much more variable capacity to achieve orgasm during sexual activity than men, you’d expect the percentage of men and women reaching orgasm during sex to be very different. And, unsurprisingly, they are.

Lloyd scrutinized the literature reports on women’s orgasmic experience and summarized data from 32 research projects.

Unfortunately, as is so often the case with research into sexuality, many of these studies were poorly conducted with ill-defined terms in the research or unrepresentative samples of women. They certainly weren’t directed towards a study of how easy women find it to reach orgasm with a man who knows how to make them come!

However, using the best judgment possible in the circumstances, the proportion of women who report always experiencing orgasm during intercourse is 25.3%. The women who “sometimes” or “rarely” did so during intercourse is 19.7%.

Video on how to cause female ejaculation

Similarly, Lloyd found that the percentage of women who never come  (i.e. NEVER reach orgasm) during their lifetimes was reported as between 5 to 10% in a number of different studies. This broadly matches the figure of 10% in Kinsey’s pioneering research in 1953.

When you consider all kinds of stimulation during a sexual act with a partner, studies have demonstrated that around 27% of women say they will always achieve climax, 41.3% say they usually do so, 21.6% say they achieve it “sometimes”, and 10% say they do so rarely or never.

If this covers any kind of sexual activity with a partner it is incompatible with the research reported above, because this revealed that women claim to experience orgasm during intercourse 25.3% of the times they have it.

What we know is that it is definitely a good idea for a man to know how to make a woman come.

This aids sexual pleasure and satisfaction all round!

Intuitively it’s extremely improbable that only 2% of orgasms experienced by women during any kind of sexual interaction is accounted for by activities other than sexual intercourse.

This seems to imply that the real figure of women who are able to achieve orgasm during intercourse is much lower than 25%, and that would be broadly in line with our own unscientific research projects and informal e-mail enquiries that we’ve had from women on our websites over the years.

Broadly speaking, we would estimate that no more than 15%, and possibly as few as 10% or even 5% of women achieve orgasm on a regular basis during sexual intercourse. Men simply don’t make women come during sex by vaginal thrusting alone…. not usually, anyway.

There is certainly a widespread recognition in research projects that the cultural environment suggests that people are more sexually active than they actually are, and it may be that the over-reporting of orgasm during intercourse is a reflection of this cultural bias. Though of course it may be a sign of men’s deep desire to demonstrate that they know how to make a woman come!!!

Making A Woman Come Clitorally vs Vaginally

Nonetheless an important question arises: how important is orgasm is for women, and for men?

In a research project conducted in 1994, 49% of men agreed with the statement that “sex without orgasm or climax cannot be really satisfying for men” and 34% disagreed. In response to the same question 43% of women agreed and 29% disagreed. Interestingly, when the same statement was made for a woman,  29% of women agreed, and 50% disagreed, while 37% of men agreed and 35% disagreed. I think these figures reflect the importance that men attach to being able to make a woman come. 

This clearly emphasizes the different importance which men and women apply to orgasm during sex. In a more recent survey of women in heterosexual relationships by Bancroft, it was discovered that the frequency of orgasm which women experience during sexual activity with their partners did not have any correlation with how the women evaluated the success of their sexual relationship or indeed their own sexuality.

When asked how important it was to their sexual happiness to have an orgasm, or for a man to bring them to orgasm, only 29.6% of the women said it was important or extremely important.

 

Ways To Take A Woman To Orgasm

The success of sex: men knowing how to make women come!

Orgasm is a neurophysiological response which may have developed to allow orgasm and ejaculation in men but which remained as a potential response in women because there was no evolutionary reason why the neural pathways causing orgasm should be suppressed in the female of the species.

This isn’t merely a patriarchal view of the female orgasm, it’s a biological hypothesis which explains the presence of the orgasm rather in the way that evolutionary theory explains why evolution did not suppress the development of nipples in men.

The ease with which women achieve orgasm

This is clearly affected by a range of factors, including a variable genetic factor. And of course a social factor – how much she trusts her man will affect how easily he can make a woman come during sexual interaction.

statistics relating to female orgasmAlthough  work has been done on this, the research methodology was somewhat flawed, but in general it indicated that there is a genetic component of around 34% in the difficulty women have in reaching orgasm during intercourse, and 45% for any difficulty in reaching orgasm during masturbation.

Although this data is interesting, it’s not actually particularly helpful in understanding why women can’t reach orgasm and in offering them methods by which they can facilitate their achievement of sexual climax.

For example, the range of factors that impact on a woman’s ability to achieve orgasm or a man’s ability to make her come will include sociological factors such as the meaning and acceptability of orgasm in her culture and her social environment.

orgasm during intercourse may be important to many womenAnd we’ve already implied that some women feel more comfortable reaching orgasm during vaginal intercourse than through masturbation because of an association in their minds between clitoral stimulation or masturbation and unacceptable or otherwise negative behavior; it’s possible they even see it as a taboo activity.

Equally, any sexual activity which might threaten the intimacy of a sexual relationship could be potentially threatening for some women. It is not threatening, however, when a man knows how to make a woman come. She tends to approve of his investment in her sexual pleasure.

In addition, personality factors and the influence of religion are likely to be of major importance in the complexity of the variability of female orgasm capacity.

Needless to say, regarding women’s orgasm as a byproduct of human male embryonic development is contentious position, one that has been termed “politically incorrect”, if for no other reason than the fact that orgasm is an extremely important source of pleasure and a valued element of sexuality for many women, whether they come during intercourse or by a man making them come through masturbation.

Wanting a man who knows how to make a woman come?

In a survey of women in heterosexual relationships, Bancroft asked them how important various factors were to their beiug able to reach orgasm and sexual happiness. In order of importance, the percentage of women answering “very” or “extremely” important to the following questions were:

1) to feel emotionally close to your partner – 83.5%

2) to feel your partner is sexually satisfied – 78.9%

3) to feel talking comfortable but your partner about – 61.5%

4) to have an orgasm – 29.6%

shows how a man can make a woman come during intercourseThis clearly indicates that sex and orgasm has a different significance to women than it does to men, although again one has to ask to what extent woman’s limited expectation of orgasm is determined by socio-cultural factors. One woman will see orgasm as a very different objective to sexual satisfaction, another may want her man to make her come at every opportunity and may think sex disappointing if this does not happen.

Frequency of orgasm

Kinsey defined total sexual outlet in men as orgasm and ejaculation combined, regardless of what sort of stimulation produced it. On this basis he found that 2.1% of his male research subjects had a zero frequency of sexual outlet.

There is no data available about how many women fail to reach orgasm because of body image issues such as being overweight, and the attendant shame and embarrassment they feel about this.

However, the number of women who are dieting strongly suggests that a high proportion of women feel they are overweight and would like an effective 12 week diet plan to help them lose the excess pounds.

Among men who are sexually active, 72% claim that they always had an orgasm to climax and ejaculated during sex with a partner, 21.8% said they usually did, 3.7% said they sometimes did, and 2.6% said they rarely or never did.

This latter figure presumably represents the percentage of men who, at the time, were prepared to admit to having, or were identified as having, delayed ejaculation.

In a French research project in 1994 a group of men reported that they achieved orgasm most easily through vaginal penetration, while 47% of men said they always came that way and 49% said they came “rather easily” that way.

Interestingly enough, during masturbation by their partner, the percentages of men who always came were 22% and who “rather easily” came was 53%: the comparative figures for achieving ejaculation by fellatio are 22% and 43% respectively. The figures for the proportion of men who were able to make a woman come is not given, unfortunately.

Women’s Experience Of Orgasm

shere hite - the hite reportIn the majority of surveys, starting with the work by Shere Hite in 1976, one finding occurs consistently: a substantial majority of women require stimulation of the clitoris before they reach orgasm. 

So what do you do if you’re trying to make a woman come?

picture of the female g spotEven that assertion, a simple factual observation, can raise controversial conclusions, since some experts believe that only when the G spot has been awakened by sexual experience or emotional connection to the partner  can a man make a woman come through vaginal stimulation alone.

picture the clitorisCertainly there is an abundance of circumstantial evidence which suggests that there is some fundamental difference in origin and experience between sexual climax that’s achieved by clitoral stimulation compared to one achieved by stimulation of the vagina alone.

Even now, after all the work that has been conducted on the experience of orgasm, it’s not understood why orgasm produces such intense pleasure. This reflects the difficulty of associating subjective experiences such as orgasmic pleasure with neurophysiological events inside the brain.

Yet it is a good motivation for men and women to seek sexual interactions and mutual pleasure…. and certainly female orgasm is a good motivation for a man to learn how to make a woman come!

Certainly the production of endorphins in the brain has been implicated in the excitement and pleasure of the orgasmic experience.

There is however a major difference between men and women in terms of the return of the various physiological aspects of the body to normality after sexual climax.

The refractory period, that is to say the period after orgasm during which an individual remains unresponsive to further sexual stimulation, is much longer in a man than a woman. Indeed it’s not uncommon to find that a woman can experience repeated – or multiple – orgasms in a short period.

0rgasmThis doesn’t mean that women don’t have a refractory period; rather, it means we just don’t know what it might be or what it might look like. Kinsey reported that only 14% of the women in his research were capable of multiple climax on a regular basis. And men can learn how to make a woman come on a regular basis.

But although there may be many women who have not achieved their full potential in this area, the research has simply not been conducted to understand exactly how many women are capable of multiple orgasm, nor indeed how many would wish to experience them, nor has there been any investigation of the conditions under which this phenomenon might be achieved.

 

Female ejaculation during orgasm

Some women are worried by a tendency to release fluid during orgasm, often assuming that the fluid is urine. However, analysis of the fluid suggests that it contains chemical compounds which are reminiscent of prostate secretions in men.

Women who undergo the experience of female ejaculation, as men who learn how to bring a woman off, how to make her come, in this way, will well know, appear to develop a swelling in the anterior vaginal wall close to the area of the G spot which disappears when ejaculations taken place.

This swelling seems to be caused by the fluid collecting in the urethra at that point, before it is expelled from the body during sexual arousal.

Here’s our favorite sex educator, Laci Green, on How To Make A Woman Come:

Although there is considerable variability between different women in the degree to which they have paraurethral ducts around the urethra, it may well be that the fluid secreted by these ducts and the associated glands is the one that can be expelled during “female ejaculation”.

This is a process that appears to be similar to the ejection of semen from the body after the emission phase of sexual response (when semen is released into the urethra before expulsion) in men.

The function of a woman’s orgasm

Although one obvious function of male orgasm might be to encourage mating, with the consequent ejaculation of semen, it’s not quite so clear what the function of orgasm in women might be.

Suggestions include the simple emotional reward of pleasure “for” allowing sexual intercourse to take place, the resolution of vaginal tenting (ballooning of the vagina during orgasm) which allows the cervix to dip down into the pool of semen left in the vagina after ejaculation.

And also, it seems, stimulation of the man’s penis so that he ejaculates because of the stimulation of the vaginal contractions on his glans and penile shaft. Other ideas include the reinforcement of pair bonding, and the upsuck of semen into the uterus.

The problem with these explanations is that very few women experience orgasm as a result of sexual intercourse alone. This makes it difficult to explain how female orgasm came to evolve if it was a reward for allowing intercourse to occur!

But in the end does it matter? We know what orgasm feels like, and we know it bonds a couple closely. Maybe all we need to know is that it is wonderful to know how to make a woman come!

It’s much more likely there is a potential for orgasm during intercourse, but the success of reproduction is by no means dependent on female orgasm, and nor is the female orgasm dependent on the experience of sexual intercourse.

How To Make A Woman Come

Don’t Know How To Give A Woman An Orgasm?

A lot of sexual practice (i.e. having a lot of sexual intercourse) can help a man learn how to make a woman come consistently.

Years of  intercourse seem to increase a woman’s attainment of orgasm. But the elaborateness of the sexual stimulation delivered to women is not correlated with sexual responsiveness…. now, why would that be?

For example, the number of intercourse positions a couple use and the length of foreplay had no particular correlations with how to make a woman orgasm consistently.

photo of a woman reaching orgasmBeyond knowing a bit about a woman’s erogenous zones, the factors facilitating sexual arousal seem to be largely emotional and interpersonal, involving feelings of intimacy, closeness, trust, dependability and love.

Even so, women with orgasm difficulties may criticize their sex partners for not being sufficiently expert to stimulate them properly, for not knowing how to make them come.

Many questions about female sexuality are still not really understood. These questions include:

1. How does culture affect the social factors which make a woman orgasm more or less easily? 

image of women in different culturesA study here would provide an opportunity for directly evaluating the idea that cultural factors play a role in a woman finding she cannot orgasm easily.

Being unable to ejaculate is sometimes a problem for men, but it is not a condition which has any obvious counterpart in women, where anorgasmia or low libido are probably the most common sexual dysfunctions.

When a woman cannot climax she is much more likely not to have experienced her father as a dependable love object than a woman who reaches orgasm easily.

man making woman come - a western woman being made to come by her male partner3. A related question is around the possible role of the male partner: does he know how to make a woman come easily and quickly?

Her feelings about his lack of dependability as a love object may mean she cannot orgasm so easily.

A study on this would probably have to be carried out on married couples.

The attributes of the partner reflecting his dependability might well be correlated with his woman’s tendency to reach orgasm easily. You could evaluate the man with respect to traits such as conscientiousness and ability to identify with his woman, and you could also find out how much confidence she had in him.

Parallel to such inquiries, it would be informative to have a sample of men keep “diaries” in which they would record how often they know successfully made the woman come over a period of time. 

4 Does orgasm consistency decline when the partner is planning to be away from home for a while? Do crises in the family, such as illness of children or financial difficulties, make it more likely she cannot get off?

If a woman loses one of her close friends does this adversely affect her ability to get off by increasing her uncertainty about the dependability of objects?

Does successful achievement in life influence a woman’s orgasmic potential? Do periods of sexual deprivation make her less likely to get off? Check out this  personal account: I just do not know how to make a woman come!

5 How does sexual excitement build up to orgasmic levels?

One thing that certainly might make a difference to a woman’s capacity to reach orgasm is her husband’s ability to hold his ejaculation in check.

Any man who has a tendency to ejaculate too quickly should seek out help with some kind of program for premature ejaculation treatment which might enable him to last longer during intercourse before he ejaculates.

Furthermore, it might prove of value in helping to develop practical procedures that would enable a man to make a woman orgasm more easily.

6. What are possible treatment procedures for increasing orgasm consistency in women who have sexual response difficulties?

For example, one could compare joint counseling with a more complex therapy that focuses on the history of a woman’s relationships with her father.

7. How do different women experience their male sex partners when receiving clitoral or vaginal stimulation?

How much do the men know about how to make a woman climax? To what extent do sexual techniques and positions, and knowledge of female sexual anatomy and female sexual behavior, create a man’s ability to give her an orgasm?